Monthly Archives: June 2007

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Wow, I Have A Stopwatch Now!

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Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

–Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy”

How long did it take me to walk from work to my train in Union Station?
10 minutes, 26 seconds, and .71 hundredths of a second.

How long did it take me to walk from my train in Brookfield to home?
16 minutes, 23 seconds, and 64 hundredths of a second.

How long did it take me to write this post?
4 minutes, 22 seconds and 13 hundredths of a second.

two buck schmuck

Wild Hogs Couldn’t Drag Me Away

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Lessons learned that are unlearned must then be learned again.

My teacher? Wild Hogs.
The lesson? Unfunny comedies have little to no redeeming value.

But, wait. I get ahead of myself.

I rolled my shitty minivan into LaGrange a little early this windy, humid night. I popped over to Walgreen’s for a “king”-size M&M’s, dropped over to Border’s to pick up a new collection of Noam Chomsky essays, then ambled down to the cinema.

I noticed that the stretch of LaGrange Road that the theater sits on has not one, not two, but three fancyish ice cream cafes. Isn’t that a sign of a corrupt and decadent society prior to its imminent, violent collapse? “Let them eat Cold Stone Creamery…”

So, I lay down 2 bucks for a ticket, and 3 bucks for a large RC cola. I tried reading my book in the several minutes before the theater went dark, but the lights were just too damned dim. So, I watched the advertising slides. Many of the slides were those dumbish word puzzles by Coca-Cola, which struck me as odd since the theater has Royal Crown on tap, not Coke.

There were some local ad slides which drew my attention. I’m going to be so nice as to give these local establishments some free advertising. A realtor had what I would consider an unfortunate name and slogan for her business – “Thinking Real Estate?? Think Katrina”. I’m sure she is quite a competent and lovely person, and would never be party to the destruction of a major metropolitan area. The National Weather Service hurricane names are a bitch, ain’t they?

Hey, guess what else I saw a slide for? An ad for local movie reviewers Kaplan Vs. Kaplan! I checked out their review of Hot Fuzz to compare it with my own. Goddammit! They use words like ‘panache’ and ‘madcap’ and never stoop to use the word ‘balls’. Oh, balls.

I saw another ad indicating that one can rent a slide on a LaGrange Theater screen for as little as $8.00 per week. Is this something the Two Buck Schmuck would be wise to invest in? I’m thinking about doing it, maybe for a month. But then I’d haveta come up with an ad, maybe a slogan. Here’s a few I’m considering.

Two Buck Schmuck – Like A Monkey’s Ass In Your Face
Two Buck Schmuck – Belittling Movies You Might Like Because I Am Filled With Bitterness
Two Buck Schmuck – Not Affiliated With Kaplan Vs. Kaplan

Okay, okay, enough of that now. To the review.

Wild Hogs was everything you thought it was when you had the misfortune of accidentally stopping on a commercial for it as you fast-forwarded your DVR to get to the final scene of Law And Order, where Sam Watersten sputtered out a ridiculous legal argument as the strings swelled up behind him. Yes, it’s pretty bad.

It’s like City Slickers, but on motorcycles and without the live calf birth. I can’t imagine any guys in the midst of their own midlife crisis getting any comfort from four middle-aged guys riding bikes, coming into confict and eventually triumphing over a real motorcycle gang led by a tattooed Ray Liotta. Who was this movie made for? The family of six that sat in front of me, four of which were children under nine?

Why did anyone else attend this movie? Are they writing snarky movie reviews on the Internet, too? Man, I thought I was the only one.

I literally felt the motion of plodding through the various jokes of this movie — setup, expectation, punchline, setup, expectation, punchline.

Kyle Gass of Tenacious D was at a carnival giving a homoerotic spin on various current pop songs. Someone please give me the hormone injection that makes me think he is funny. I am Vitamin-D deficient, apparently.

John C. McGinley plays a small part as a gay motorcycle cop that comically hits on the gang. Ah, the gays. What can’t they funny up? At one point McGinley pulls off his shirt, revealing a very muscular body, which kind of surprised me. I was thinking, man, did this guy get pumped up for this role? You have critically-acclaimed movies like Raging Bull where everyone goes on about how DeNiro trained to get his boxer’s physique, then ate all that food to become the fat Jake LaMotta at the end. But, man, to do all that work for a piece-of-crap movie? Somehow, the silliness of it all becomes overwhelming.

There were a few bright spots in the movie. M.C. Gainey, who plays Tom Friendly, the *only* mildly good thing about Season 3 of Lost, shows up in this movie as a biker dude. He doesn’t have a great performance; I was just happy to see him.

There was a kung fu biker I recognized from the only Walker Texas Ranger I have ever seen, Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire. His name is Arnold Chon. I just had come upon the Walker TV movie and had to watch it, primarily due to the amazingly hammy expressions made by Mr. Chon. You catch a brief glimpse of him giving one of those goofy grins of his in this movie. I am not exaggerating — it’s truly amazing to see someone intentionally look so goofy.

Probably the most positive aspect of this film is that it’s a road movie. I am a sucker for road movies. I think I could watch an hour-and-a-half of stitched together driving scenes from various godawful movies and I would say, “Y’know, it really isn’t that bad.”

products i'd like to see

Get Off Your Ass, Vol 1

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Hi, here’s an initial list of items, that, while I’ll probably never have the resources, desire or inclination to follow through on, doesn’t mean *you* shouldn’t.

1. Candy Conspiracy Blog
Create a blog which engages in careful, ongoing analysis of the conspiracy of the candy companies to gradually shrink the size of candy bars.

I get angry whenever I pick up a Snickers or a bag of M&M’s, and it’s noticeably smaller than one I got several months prior.

In the back of my mind, I’m always thinking, I am going to save this goddamn wrapper, so I have concrete proof of this maneuvering by these candy-pushers. Of course, I never save the wrapper.

I know Andy Rooney has done this kind of thing with coffee, but screw him.

2. Celebrity Hand Signs – Start a blog devoted to pictures of celebrities giving hand signs — the peace sign, the devil sign, the Latin Kings sign, etc.

3. Far From The Madding Boobs
Film a teenaged sex comedy where two horny adolescents addicted to Internet porn accidentally get sent back in time into the Victorian era, and spend most of their time trying to get a look at Victorian boobies. I mean, who doesn’t love Victorian boobies?

4. Hail To The Beef
Broadcast a reality show where the members of rock ‘n roll group Radiohead work at a Detroit McDonald’s. Wouldn’t you like Thom Yorke being harrassed about the amount of ice he put in a customer’s Diet Coke?

5. pure joy
A Feelies reunion already. C’mon.

yeehaw

A Happy Father’s Day

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I hope every father had a good Father’s Day yesterday (and to everyone else not into the Father’s Day thing, I hope you had a good Sunday).

Yesterday was better than I could have imagined.

My family picked me up in the early afternoon — I hadn’t seen the kids since Saturday morning, because I was working on a friend of mine’s short film during most of the weekend.

We went over to my father-in-law’s place and had a cookout, followed by a lovely dessert – a tasty turtle ice cream pie from Oberweiss.

There was an Atari 2600 “flashback” game hooked up down in their basement — basically a replica of the old-school Atari 2600, but with games preloaded on the system rather than cartridges you plug in. So, I got to show my twins some choice games from my youth. I played Dodge ‘Em, Combat and Outlaw with them, then let the kids play each other.

It’s embarrassing, but it was along the lines of a dad-showing-his-kid-how-to-fish moment. Really neat.

Then, back home for some unexpected presents. The kids all made me cards — my daughter drew a snowman on her card! Tres cool!

I got a smoking Casio digital watch (I’m sick of looking at my cell phone for the time), and some kicking iPod speakers.

My eldest son had a little freakout when he spilled some water on his bed as he was getting ready to go to sleep. He was tired and/or unexpectedly emotionally attached to his sport sheets. After we got his bed changed to some cartoon monkey sheets, I was able to calm him down after describing sheets I had as a child, and convinced him how cool monkey sheets really are.

After we put the kids to bed, collapsed on the couch and watched a DVR’ed Mythbusters show, we called it a night.

I dunno, just a nice day. They happen from time to time.

adopt-an-actor

Many Kittens Still Looking For Good Home

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The first actor adoptions have gone through successfully. Many actors are now settling into their new blogosphere homes.

Still, there are so many more in need. Won’t you please help?

Below is a list of adoptions thus far. Keep in mind that I did not include any person that said in a comment, “Yeah, I’d adopt Actor X.”

Until you make the declaration of an intent to adopt on your own blog, it will not be recognized in the eyes of the law.

***************************************
THE ADOPTERS AND THE ADOPTEES
***************************************

Our apologies for only now noting the adoption of the delightful Michael Rappaport! A warm congratulations to Michael and his adopter, Ricky Shambles!

FINALLY! HE’S ADOPTED! Congrats to Scott for adopting character actor powerhouse David Warner!

Matty Boy has adopted the the adorable, gifted Amy Ryan!.

SamuraiFrog has unadopted the already once-unadopted Ashley Jensen!.

Pete has adopted the intensely gifted Vincent D’Onofrio!

Linda has adopted the sparkling Bradley Whitford!

Roger Owen Green has adopted the multi-talented Victor Garber!

Scott has adopted the dependably fantastic David Strathairn!

Congrats to SamuraiFrog who has adopted his FIFTH actor, the vivacious David Rappaport!

DGuzman has adopted the scintillating Ali Larter!

Dr MVM has started out Adopt-An-Actor Day right, embracing the exceptional Sarah Polley!

Gizmorox has adopted the eerily intense Cillian Murphy!

Blueberry has adopted the wonderfully eccentric Johnny Depp! If Blueberry could ask her adoptee to answer a question I posed to him back in May of 2007, I would be most grateful!

Open up some canned peaches! Stella has adopted Ian McShane!

Agi has adopted the incomparable Harry Dean Stanton!

DivaJood has adopted the wily Chris Cooper!

Cowboy the Cat has adopted the delightful Ron Perlman!

3vil Genius insists that 1) Shirley Manson is an actor and 2) He is adopting her. I certainly won’t stand in the way of someone so brilliant and evil.

Film festivals adopting actors? Why the heck not? Congrats to the Southern Appalachian International Film Festival and its new adoptee Amitabh Bachchan!

Dr. MVM has adopted the elegant Eva Birthistle!

Matty Boy has adopted the superb Chiwetel Ejiofor!

Was there any doubt that this was destined to happen? SamuraiFrog has adopted William December Williams!

Two more actors have found a home thanks to the kindness of Johann! — the versatile John C. McGinley and the radiant Judy Reyes!

Only one blogger could handle an adoptee that is a robot/spaceship pilot/athletic pirate. Congrats to McGone and his new little bundle of actorly joy, Alan Tudyk!

Make up another bed! DGuzman has adopted the brilliant Alan Rickman!

May the Force be with Freida Bee and her new adoptee, Mark Hamill! (We all know the tragedy that befell his previous caregivers on Tatooine).

Congratulations to the folks at the ultra-mundane, who have adopted the talented (and sadly, recently deceased) Stanley DeSantis!

Here’s some fried gold for you: Bluez has adopted Nick Frost and Simon Pegg!

The lovely Liberality has adopted Keanu Reeves!

Hoist the Jolly Roger for Cap’n Dyke, and her new adoptee Kathy Griffin!

Burgess Meredith Remembrance Day has pushed Beckeye over the edge. Say hello to her new adopted grandfather!

Johnny Yen has adopted the effervescent Lupe Ontiveros!

Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein has used the auspices of his new blog to adopt the talented Adrienne Shelly and Michèle Laroque!

Blowing Sh*t Up With Gas has adopted the actor I had to look up several times in order to spell his name properly — Colm Meaney (according to his Wikipedia entry, his Irish name is Colm Ó Maonaigh — oh sweet merciful spelling Jesus)!

Manx has adopted a second actor, the mischievous rapscallion Bill Pullman!

Henry K. Duff has adopted Hilary Duff (no relation)!

J.D. is no stranger to adoptions — he already has taken four actors under his wing. But, let’s face it, any actor *not* adopted through the auspices of this blog can (and probably will) be challenged in court. But enough veiled legal threats, please welcome his new legally-recognized adoptee, Kelly McDonald!

SamuraiFrog is a softy at heart. He has adopted Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein’s previously discarded adoptee, Ashley Jensen.

Dguzman has stepped up and adopted her second actor, the gifted and enchanting Rachel Weisz!

Say it ain’t so! Dr Monkey Von Monkerstein has unadopted two actors, Ashley Jensen and Cloris Leachman.

Reel Fanatic adopted the formerly crazed preacher from Deadwood, Ray McKinnon!While he was at the orphanage, he picked up Ellen Page as well!

Bob has adopted the immeasurably charming Richard E. Grant!

After almost two months to the day of announcing an intent to adopt, Slave to the dogs has finally waded through the enormous red tape to bring home the blue-eyed , dashing, mustache-sporting Tom Skerritt!

The Idea Of Progress has adopted the scintillating Zooey Deschanel!

FRANK-ROCK has adopted the seductive and sophisticated Thaao Penghlis!

Matty Boy has adopted a second actor, Christopher Guest! Excepting their disposable drummers, only the bassist and keyboardist of Spinal Tap remain unadopted!

pezda has adopted Wallace Shawn? Inconceivable!

bigshoulders has adopted the backwards-talking nosrednA .J leahciM!

Glückwunsch, Julius Firefly! Er hat Jonathan M. Woodward adoptiert.

Holy frijoles! Is it true? It is?!!! Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein has adopted Shirley Henderson and Ashley Jensen, bringing up his total number of adoptees to four!

Give a tender round of applause to Matty Boy. He has adopted one of the brightest lights in the actorly constellation, Jeffrey Wright.

You said you’d like Hugo Weaving to leave you a message on your answering machine as Elrond of Rivendell? I dunno — you better first ask his new adoptive parent, dguzman.

Flannery Alden has reached out to the sweetness that is Tony Hale.

Doc has quietly adopted the sophisticated Denholm Elliott.

Dr. Zaius has adopted another actor, and this one has got a mouth on her — Mae West!

Jess has brought the living and the dead into her welcoming home. Give a wave and a smile to her new adoptees, Mary Wickes and Paul Reubens!

The big-hearted Johnny Yen has adopted a second actor — B.D. Wong! With the current trend of adoption of abbreviated-name actors, could R. Lee Ermey be next?

SamuraiFrog has totally adopted another actor — P.J. Soles!

I know, it’s sometimes overwhelming how many actors there are out in the cold, uncaring world. But when big-hearted bloggers like Becca announce not only one, but an additional actor adoption, don’t you feel like we’re all going to get through this? Oh, and say hello to her happy new family members — Rutger Hauer and Jason Isaacs!

If you think the only notable thing Boris Karloff did was stagger around the countryside scaring villagers, you’re sorely mistaken. Why not talk to his proud new adoptive parent, Dr. Zaius?

The Urban Recluse has adopted the larger-than-life Brian Thompson.

Coaster Punchman has given the weary spirit of Kim Walker a safe, loving home.

Romius T. assuming he doesn’t get struck down with a bolt of lightning for the questionable actorly vocation of his adoptee, or his intent to marry said adoptee, has adopted Kerry Howley.

SamuraiFrog has adopted Clancy motherf*cking Brown.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein wants to adopt a second actor, Cloris Leachman. Who am I to argue with our next President?

Big Orange has adopted the dreamy-eyed Bill Bixby.

Chris has adopted William Zabka. Take that, Ralph Macchio!

Deadspot has adopted the hard-working Corinne Bohrer.

After all this time, had no one snatched up Bruce Campbell yet? Well, it’s too late now, as Manx has adopted him.

Grant Miller has adopted leggy South African beauty Charlize Theron.

Beckeye has adopted Joe “Joey Pants” Pantoliano.

Kim has adopted the cute, unassuming, unmistakably awesome Jeff Daniels.

Frank Sirmarco has adopted the hairy-yet-undeniably-gifted Dan Hedaya.

Dystopia has adopted the eerie-eyed Udo Kier.

Justacoolcat has adopted the adorable Albert Finney.

Kelsi has adopted the crazy insane Klaus Kinski.

Tim has adopted David St. Hubbins, aka Michael McKean.

Bubs has adopted notorious ringdinger and prolific thespian Dick Miller.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein has adopted the lovely and talented Archie Panjabi.

Johnny Yen has adopted the lovely and talented M. Emmett Walsh.

Lulu has adopted all-around nice guy Bruce Altman.

GETkristiLOVE has (when her cat doesn’t divert too much attention from him) adopted Mark Harmon.

Splotchy has adopted the splendiferous David Patrick Kelly.

comix, movies

My, How The New Fantastic Four Movie Will Suck

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Wow, did the previous Fantastic Four suck.

I borrowed a copy of the DVD (I knew well enough not to pay money to see it in a theater) and I could not even sit through the whole thing. I had to fast forward through it.

I was especially pissed off at how they completely crapped on the great villain Doctor Doom.

The movie was worse than Daredevil. It was worse than The Hulk.

If we can apply the Law of Movie Sequel’s Diminishing Returns, the new Fantastic Four movie will, improbable as it might seem, suck even harder.

This movie will follow you home from the theater, kill your family then take a dump on your kitchen floor. It will be that bad.

And they turned the Silver Surfer into a T-1000 (search the web for images of what they did to the surfer, you won’t find images of that cinematic travesty on this here blog)!

Bastards.