It’s probably me, but I am not ruling anyone out at this point.
Monthly Archives: June 2007
Exciting Advancements In Male Underwear Technology
We recently received an International Male catalog in the mail. If you are not already aware, International Male is on the cutting edge of male bikini thong technology.
Fellas, do want a little more pizazz? Would you like a little help down there?
Look no further than the push-up thong.
It has hidden padding that “lifts you up and out”.
Adopt-An-Actor
I call on the bloggers of the world to adopt an actor.
I would recommend you pick a character actor, as they are the unsung heroes of the entertainment world.
By adopting Character Actor X you are not expected to be an exhaustive resource on X, nor are you expected to have seen all movies in which X acted. No, none of that crap.
I would only ask that you promote the actor from time to time, and occasionally keep tabs on their progress (assuming he or she isn’t dead). If you want to do it up nice, make a l’il space on your blog where you can have a picture of them.
Now that we have that out of the way, if you’re thinking about adopting David Patrick Kelly, FORGET IT. I have adopted him.
David Patrick Kelly is the best part of a lot of movies that he has acted in. His first movie role was in The Warriors where he delivered the immortal line “Warriors, come out to play-ee-ay!”
Directors Walter Hill and Spike Lee cast Mr. Kelly on a regular basis.
He’s got this knack for being very natural, no matter how cheesy the lines he’s given, whether it’s in sorta silly sci-fi movie Dreamscape or the wonderful Ahnold movie Commando.
I had thought up until today that Mr. Kelly was the person who fired the gun that killed Brandon Lee during the filming of The Crow, but after doing a little bit of research it appears that it was another actor that pulled the trigger.
This makes me feel better.
This is the first post devoted to my adoptee, but not the last.
Go, David, Go!
Shocking Sopranos Series Finale
Was everyone as shocked as I was that the family ordered onion rings in the final restaurant scene instead of mozzarella cheese sticks or french fries?
I didn’t see *that* one coming, lemme tell you!
I Would Like My Audition Tape Back, Please
When the Smashing Pumpkins were getting ready to tour in support of their album “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness”, they placed an ad in the Chicago Reader looking for a keyboardist.
I wasn’t that familiar with their music — I knew a couple people who were really into the Pumpkins in college, but at that point from what had I heard of their music I didn’t strongly like or dislike them.
I thought it might be cool to play keyboards on a large tour with an established band, so I (like probably hundreds of other aspiring musicians) gave it a shot.
The instructions in the ad were to submit a demo cassette to an address, so I went through some tapes of practices with a couple bands I played keyboards for, picked out the best parts, and assembled them into twenty minutes of material.
In an attempt to make my tape pop out at them, I asked my brother, who is a very good cartoonist, to make up a cover for me. He graciously did this, and off the tape went into the mail.
Well, no call ever came. I was scanning the local papers for progress of the ongoing keyboardist search. I believe I saw a brief interview with guitarist James Iha who said that they received a lot of crappy tapes. He was kind of an a**hole about it, if I remember correctly.
I wouldn’t presume to say that my audition tape was the best tape submitted, or that I was the most talented keyboardist to try getting on this tour. However, I certainly think I would have had no problem filling their keyboardist slot. I don’t need to argue my position here, though.
The Pumpkins ended up filling the spot with Jonathan Melvoin, who in the middle of the Melon Collie tour promptly overdosed on heroin and died while hanging out with fellow drug user and Pumpkins drummer Jimmy Chamberlin.
As a result of Melvoin’s death, Chamberlin was fired from the Pumpkins (though later on Billy Corgan rehired him, and he is currently the only other original member in the newly-reformed band).
There are a few conclusions I am going to draw from this sequence of events:
1. The Pumpkins probably didn’t hear my cassette tape.
2. If they did hear the audition tape, they probably made fun of it.
3. Jonathan Melvoin, an already established professional musician, probably did not submit an audition tape.
4. Jonathan Melvoin was probably not a good choice of a keyboardist to bring on tour, unless you want a tour that involves a drug O.D. and firing 1/4 of your band.
If I, through some freak circumstance, was instead the person picked to tour with the Pumpkins, the biggest trouble I would probably have gotten into would be to eat too many cheese waffle fries. And how bad is that, honestly?
Someone I work with overheard a recent conversation with Corgan and a fan at a restaurant. Apparently there is a new album coming out in July of this year.
Now that the Pumpkins are revving up again, I feel like it’s an appropriate time for to me ask.
Can I get my audition tape back now?
Please?
Al Pacino, Master Thespian
You’ve been an actor all your life, devoting yourself to your craft.
If you’re lucky, you are revered for your works and accomplishments.
If you’re unlucky, some snarky blogger with no business critiquing others will copy and paste your IMDB page and insult your career.
Congratulations, Al Pacino. You have been selected for a Two Buck Schmuck Career Retrospective ™!
Deadly Circle of Violence (1968) TV Episode
Didn’t see it.
“N.Y.P.D.”
Wuzzah? Sorry, didn’t see it.
Me, Natalie (1969)
Me, no see it.
Out of It (1969)
Me: Can I see this movie? Them: Sorry, we’re out of it.
The Panic in Needle Park (1971)
This is what put the Pachinko Radinko on the map. Didn’t see it.
The Godfather (1972)
Hey, I like this movie! Mr. Pacino shoots Sterling Hayden in the neck, speaks Italian and wears a bowler hat. He’s good in this.
Scarecrow (1973)
Supposedly a good character study with Pacman and Gene Hackman. Haven’t seen it.
Serpico (1973)
I like this movie. Al is good in this, too. He has quirky hippie clothes when he’s an underground cop, owns a cute sheepdog and sports a full beard.
I think they should issue plush dolls for this movie. Y’know, for the kids.
The Godfather: Part II (1974)
I haven’t seen this in ages, but I liked it when I saw it. A little known fact about the scene between Michael Corleone and Fredo — they tried different body parts before settling on “Fredo, you broke my heart!” There’s an easter egg on the 30th Anniversary DVD edition in which you can see deleted scenes where Michael says “Fredo, you broke my pancreas!” and “Fredo, you broke my uvula!”
Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
So starts the scenery chewing. I still like this movie. I like Pacino in this, and I like his interplay between him and John Casale, Chris Sarandon and Charles Durning.
Bobby Deerfield (1977)
Some crappy car racing movie, right? I haven’t had the pleasure.
“The Godfather Saga” (1977) (mini)
This doesn’t count. Next!
…And Justice for All. (1979)
Saw a little bit of it. It sucked. Pacino wasn’t much better.
Cruising (1980)
Haven’t seen it, but I’ve definitely snickered at stills from the movie a few times.
Author! Author! (1982)
Due to the miracles of pay television in the 80’s, I probably have seen this movie more than any other Pacino movie. Scary, huh? He’s actually not that bad in it. Something in its favor — Eric Gurry plays one of his kids. Eric G.’s next movie would be the Sean Penn prison movie Bad Boys, where he blows the face off of Carnivale and Highlander bad guy Clancy Brown with a homemade explosive. Was that a tangent I just wandered down?
Scarface (1983)
I dunno, overacting in a Spanish accent is very similar to overacting with a New Yawk accent, isn’t it? Still, haveta always catch the chainsaw scene when I come across this movie on TV.
Revolution (1985)
Probably a sucky movie. I saw a clip of Pacino pontificating and that was all I needed to see.
Sea of Love (1989)
Supposedly a bright star in Pacino’s 80’s repertoire. I — wait for it — haven’t seen it.
The Godfather: Part III (1990)
Terrible film. Performance not so good, and the crappy old guy makeup they put him in at the end didn’t help.
Frankie and Johnny (1991)
I actually saw it at a cheap theater. I guess he was okay, I guess. Skippable movie.
The Godfather Trilogy: 1901-1980 (1992) (V)
Didn’t I already comment on the Godfather movies?
Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Pacino in a David Mamet-written film makes his acting a little less conspicuous. He was fine in this. This whole movie is a little too show-offy for the actors to my taste — particularly Kevin Spacey and Ed Harris. I liked Jack Lemmon, though.
Scent of a Woman (1992)
I paid to see this in the theater. Why? I have no idea. I think it’s like 5 hours long, and Pacino is really, really terrible as a blind a-hole. But, this film did give us the interjection “HOO-ah!”
Carlito’s Way (1993)
Crappy Brian De Palma movie. Sean Penn is worse in this than Pacino is. The whole movie is cliched, but Pacino isn’t awful in it.
Two Bits (1995)
A customer of my Dad’s movie auction wrote this. He was the guy who adapted the screenplay for Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho as well. Haven’t seen it, though Pacino does look a little silly in his old guy makeup (see Godfather III above).
Heat (1995)
This Michael Mann movie was a little long, but I liked it, mostly for the stuff with Robert DeNiro’s gang. Al Pacino is sucky in this as a gum-chewing cop. One of my favorite bad Pacino lines is in here. Pacino’s cop is talking to Hank Azaria’s character about his girlfriend. I can’t do the line justice in print, but he says, “She’s got a great Big ASSSSSSS! And you’ve got your HEAD…. all the WAY… UP IT!!!” Azaria just gives Pacino a “what the f*ck?” kinda expression after this. I read somewhere that this was a line Pacino had improvised, which would explain the genuine confused and disgusted look on Azaria’s face.
City Hall (1996)
Probably sucky? Didn’t see it.
Donnie Brasco (1997)
I saw this in the theater. I thought Pacino was understated, but not particularly good. This movie was boring.
The Devil’s Advocate (1997)
Al Pacino? As the Devil? Should we even ask him to tone it down?
The Insider (1999)
I haven’t seen it since its release, but I really liked it. I remember being really impressed with Russell Crowe’s performance. Pacino was okay, but the only thing that sticks in my head for him is “ARE YOU A BUSINESSMAN OR ARE YOU A NEWSMAN???!!”
Any Given Sunday (1999)
Al Pacino? As a pro football coach? Should we even ask him to tone it down? To be fair, I have only seen pictures of this movie, not the movie itself.
Chinese Coffee (2000)
Huh? What is this?
Insomnia (2002/I)
Saw it. Blah blah blah.
S1m0ne
Saw 5 minutes of it. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
People I Know (2002)
Didn’t see it.
The Recruit (2003)
Boring thriller. At one point, Pacino says “You have to admit, I’m a scary judge of talent.” I thought he should shorten it to, “You have to admit, I’m a scary.”
Gigli (2003)
I obeyed the hype and shunned this movie. It’s probably a diamond in the rough, no?
The Merchant of Venice (2004)
I saw a little of this. It was okay.
Two for the Money (2005)
I stayed away. Did you?
Cicada Update – The Courtship Begins
Despite being absent from my blog for a week or so, cicadas are still very much a part of our lives.
The main thing we’re experiencing now is the extreme volume of the male cicadas, who are generating noises in order to attract females.
The sound is not deafening everywhere, but can get quite loud when you’re under a tree that’s particularly thick with them. The cicadas are generally only making noise during the day — it’s quiet at night (perhaps a little too quiet?)
Even when you’re not very near a tree full of cicadas, there is a kind of eerie background noise in Brookfield, similar to the sound of the alien ships in the 1953 War of the Worlds. According to its trivia page, the spaceship noises in the movie were actually created by backwards electric guitars (maybe cicadas playing backwards electric guitars?).
(Not Really) Misheard Lyrics, Vol 3
My profanity post reminded me of one of my favorite word substitutions I came up with when singing a song.
To be honest, I never heard it this way. I just enjoy my line more.
Depeche Mode – “Personal Jesus”
What I Say
Your own…. personal…. pizza
Actual Lyrics
Your own…. personal…. Jesus
Your Own Personal Profanity
Do you have a phrase that has at least something profane in it, that you have adopted as something near and dear to you?
A foul phrase that you carry some affection for?
Here’s mine.
In the mid-90’s, I was puttering about on a text-based virtual world called LambdaMOO with my brother.
One of the sorta cool things about this world was that individual users could construct environments — rooms, outside spaces, etc., and have them link together, which you could then travel about as if they were real physical spaces. Keep in mind that this *was* a text-based world, so really you were just reading someone’s description of a room or place, not seeing any visual representation of it.
My brother and I were wandering around, when we came to a place where its description was not in English.
I then said: “It’s in fucking French.”
This phrase has stuck with me over the years, and makes me smile on the inside when I think it after seeing something written in French.
Anyone care to share their own pet swear words or phrases?
We Are The Village Green Preservation Society
We are the Village Green Preservation Society
God save Donald Duck, Vaudeville and Variety
We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties
Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do?
We are the Draught Beer Preservation Society
God save Mrs. Mopp and good Old Mother Riley
We are the Custard Pie Appreciation Consortium
God save the George Cross and all those who were awarded them
We are the Sherlock Holmes English Speaking Vernacular
Help save Fu Manchu, Moriarty and Dracula
We are the Office Block Persecution Affinity
God save little shops, china cups and virginity
We are the Skyscraper Condemnation Affiliates
God save tudor houses, antique tables and billiards
Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do?
We are the Village Green Preservation Society
God save Donald Duck, Vaudeville and Variety
We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties
God save the Village Green