Wow, all the Two Buck Schmuck columns at my fingertips?
Yes. Yes, they are.
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MOVIE REVIEWS
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January 16th, 2011 – The Social Network
I have no idea what happened in this review. I went batshit crazy.
November 24th, 2009 – Couples Retreat
As soon as I recover from how bad this movie was, I’ll think of something amusing to put here.
November 19th, 2009 – Law Abiding Citizen
What did it take me to get me back to the LaGrange? Apparently, a shirtless Gerard Butler.
June 19th, 2009 – Obsessed
Beyoncé punches marital difficulties in the throat.
May 15th, 2009 – Adventureland
Contrary to popular belief, it is not a cinematic adaptation of the Atari 2600 game Adventure.
November 26th, 2008 – Eagle Eye
What’s that smell? Oh, it’s this movie.
October 28th, 2008 – Righteous Kill
Finally, a dream of mine comes true. DeNiro and Pacino in a shitty movie together!
September 24th, 2008 – Get Smart
Get Stupid is more like it. AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!!
June 27, 2008 – Iron Man
Director Jon Favreau evokes my irrational, bitchy wrath by his mere existence.
June 16, 2008 – 88 Minutes
Al Pacino hits another one out of the park. And by out of the park, I mean a foul ball that kills a stray kitten.
April 30, 2008 – The Bank Job
Not to be confused with The Italian Job or The Bank Dick.
April 12, 2008 – Juno
I didn’t like this movie. Honest to blog!
March 26, 2008 – National Treasure: Book Of Secrets
The Book Of Secrets, As Seen In A Crappy Movie
February 21, 2008 – The Golden Compass
I’m suffocating from all the whimsy!
January 31, 2008 – The Darjeeling Limited
It’s cute, it’s precious, it’s altogether wretched.
November 21, 2007 – Halloween (2007) with addendum
Look Helen, there’s a seven foot tall man wearing a mask and covered in blood, holding a big knife and walking down the street. Do you think we should call someone?
November 13th, 2007 – The Brave One
Jodie Foster’s boring as hell and she’s not going to take it anymore.
October 28th, 2007 – The Bourne Ultimatum
Most likely, this is the only review of the latest Bourne movie that starts with a magic wall guarded by a geezer and a star falling from the sky.
October 18th, 2007 – Death Sentence
Watch out, Kevin Bacon is gettin’ MAD!
October 7th, 2007 – Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
The magic of sitting in an uncomfortable seat for 2+ hours.
October 4th, 2007 – The Invasion / Transformers (partial)
A main course of vomiting pod people, followed by a small dessert of CGI robots with attitude.
September 19th, 2007 – Live Free Or Die Hard
Do you think Bruce Willis will save the day? Do we dare to dream?
September 12th, 2007 – 1408
The fear of sharing a hotel room with John Cusack for an hour and a half.
August 28th, 2007 – Ocean’s Thirteen
Some superstitious people view the number 13 with dread, which now makes perfect sense to me.
July 24th, 2007 – Hostel: Part II
Life imitates art, as the Schmuck is violently pelted with cherries.
July 17th, 2007 – Spider-Man 3
The Schmuck dons the sweat-soaked red and blue tights.
June 27, 2007 – Fracture
Wake me up for the scene where Ryan Gosling wears a Starved Rock t-shirt.
June 18, 2007 – Wild Hogs
What’s funnier than Tim Allen riding a motorcycle? Plenty.
June 13, 2007 – Hot Fuzz
The Schmuck is in luck to see a movie that doesn’t suck.
May 31st, 2007 – Shooter
Introductions, declaration of purpose, Mark Wahlberg shooting people in the head.
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CAREER RETROSPECTIVES
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BEFORE HE WAS THE SCHMUCK
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