Why describe Eiffel 65’s gay video for their song “Move Your Body” when I can show you?
For those concerned about the blue-skinned girl that is abducted early in the video, please don’t worry for her. The aliens just need her to teach their aerobics class.
No, I’m not kidding.
jalopy
panoply
Mizbubs and Bubs are always busily brewing up new fanciful drinks at their well-appointed compound, among them the Don Ho Motherf*cker.
I don’t know that I have the mixological knowledge or inspiration to create my own drink, but I’ll try to contribute in my own fashion by providing drink names in search of a recipe.
Seeing as you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a cutely-named mixed drink, I imagine some of these already exist (I did try Googling them before including here, however).
The Apoplectic Lizard
The Merle Haggard
Behind The Deadly Wheel
The Golden Boner
Orange Squirrel
The Gender Bender
Ridin’ The Pony
The Sweaty Taint
Heavy Lifting
A Bloody Mess
Foo-Foo Fubar
THX-1138
Waukegan Dynamite
Well, I warned you. Now, here it is.
The Gay Side Of Splotchy.
I don’t know if I have enough gay in me to warrant attributing a whole “side” to gayness, but here goes anyway.
Some gayish facts about me:
1) My first apartment in Chicago was just east of Broadway on Grace, at the northern edge of what is affectionately known as “Boys’ Town”. You want Girls Town, you haveta go up to Clark and Foster, ladies. I really liked the neighborhood. It had a nice vibe (but parking was for shit!).
2) Being originally from the relatively homophobic (or at least homoambivalent) Springfield, Illinois, I was initially taken aback by the sex shops and horribly-punned gay bars (“Manhole” anyone?), but quickly got used to it. I realized how it must suck to be gay in some small town where this kind of environment doesn’t exist. There was a palpable “gayness” (as in happiness) around this neighborhood. I can certainly understand the desire of many people to flock to a large metropolitan area for this kind of stuff.
3) On one of my nightly walks around the neighborhood (it was always buzzing) I was asked, “Do you want to earn a hundred bucks?” I paused for a second, and very politely said, “Nah.” To which, the man asking me incredulously said, “Really?!!” I’m not sure what he was wanting for the money he was offering. I’d like to think he found me attractive and wanted to have sex with me.
4) My crotch was grabbed by a black transvestite hooker as I was walking up Broadway. I loudly said, “No thanks!” as I pushed his/her hand away. I’m very polite on my walks.
5) I had a man-crush on Jude Law, mostly after seeing him in Wilde and eXistenZ, and before he got all ubiquitous and creepy. I later had a man-crush on Clive Owen after seeing him in Sin City and Children of Men.
6) I have some gay tastes in music.
Which brings us to the latest hits in the Splotchy jukebox (which you can access over on yonder right side of this here blog)…
1) Shirley Bassey – Goldfinger
I have an unhealthy love for this song, and I *am* Shirley Bassey when I am singing along with it.
2) The Left Banke – Pretty Ballerina
Okay, okay, not all of these songs are gay. This song is more twee than gay, but gay and twee songs inhabit the same place in my heart. So sue me. I really wish when I’m singing with it that I could hit all the high notes. I’d love to do this song in a band.
3) Belle And Sebastian – Me And The Major
More beautiful tweeness. But it rocks hard.
4) Eiffel 65 – Move Your Body
Okay, I think I can call this one pretty gay. I first was exposed to this song via its music video. One of the band members is dressed in black and does high kicks to hit small robots that explode. That’s pretty gay, isn’t it? Plus, I heard this song in a gay bar, which makes it gay, as is my understanding.
5) Antony and the Johnsons – Divine
I love Antony. He sings like a drag queen. This song is about John Waters’ friend and oft-used actor Divine, and is pretty powerful.
6) The Smiths – Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now
Now, I hadta put a Smiths song on here. In my humble opinion, this is the gayest one.
7) ABBA – Fernando
Ah, Fernando. I really love this song. For some reason I made up my own lyrics for the chorus, which I get so much joy from singing:
There was something in my eye
It burned
“Oh God,” I cried, “Fernando!”
8) Sufjan Stevens – Casimir Pulaski Day
This song is all sensitive and shit, and it really affects me. It’s so twee that it rolls over into macho.
9) Young Marble Giants – Wurlitzer Jukebox
Another song that would get you beaten up at a roadhouse bar if you tried playing it (assuming the bar was stocking the Young Marble Giants on their jukebox).
Wow, I am a little disappointed with my gay taste in music. I *was* trying to find some stuff that you might be unfamiliar with. At least that’s the argument I am going with.
Oh well.
Y’know that Choose Your Own Adventure story I was playing around with?
Well, I finished it. Does that mean I have OCD? Possibly.
Please give it a whirl if you have a couple minutes.
I had a lot of fun writing it, and I think it turned out rather well.
Okay, peace out.
The concert that I wanted to attend has happened.
From the Chicago Tribune:
Rock, where is thy Sting?
Every little thing they do is mellower now, but fans are as well
The denizens of Wrigleyville, accustomed to bars and baseball, are choosy when it comes to rock shows, unwilling to let a band with overly raucous followers invade their friendly confines.
So when The Police’s reunion concert arrived Thursday night at Wrigley Field, there was excitement but not mania, a comfortable buzz but a distinct lack of edginess.
More here.
Tribune rock critic Greg Kot also weighs in:
The members of the Police are now multimillionaires, men of leisure who played leisurely versions of many of their hits Thursday in the first of two sold-out concerts at Wrigley Field.
“Sold out” is a relative term, as scalpers were dumping tickets at well below face value outside the ballpark. Inside, the Police occasionally played as if they were mentally counting up the $100 million they will pile up on their current tour, the band’s first in 23 years, rather than focusing on the task at hand. The crowd took its time getting into the show as well; while waiting for the Police to heat up, the fans applauded the hits politely and otherwise made as much noise as a typical summer theater crowd.
More of Mr. Kot here.
I spoke with my coworker (I’ll call him “B” for sanity’s sake) about his efforts to sell his tickets. He confirmed that it was very difficult to part with them. He said to me he had been a little concerned about his success in selling them, as the crowd that was going to the show was probably not made up of people that are going to go on the night of the show to score some tickets.
I joked, “Honey, I’ve got a wild hair I need to scratch. What say we drive down from Barrington to Wrigley Field, park the minivan, get something to eat, then score us some Police tickets? I’m feeling a little crazy tonight.”
“B” ended up selling his four tickets to a scalper. The scalpers had a racket, where they would give you money for two, then turn around and try to severely undercut you on the remaining ones, figuring you were just trying to unload some tickets and were still going to the show. The first scalper tried this on “B”, but he wouldn’t sell his remaining two tickets for the price the scalper wanted.
So, the scalper then tries to get his money back, saying he is a cop! “B” wasn’t buying that, but the guy was several inches over six feet, so he did give the money back.
All told, after over an hour wandering around the outside of Wrigley Field, “B” sold his four tickets for a grand total of $100. But it’s all rock ‘n roll, idn’t it?
Today, I ask my coworker who offered to sell me Police tickets, “Did you sell those tickets for tonight’s show?”
“No.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to go down to Wrigley.”
“You’re going to see the show?”
“No, I’m going down to see if I can sell the tickets there.”
“Be careful. I’m sure the Police will be there.”
Purpose: Determine a band’s leader by analyzing one of their publicity photos.
Band: Styx
Genre: Fantasy Rock
Website: Styx World
The Verdict:
We Can Also Accept:
Band: Smashing Pumpkins (original lineup)
Genre: Wounded Rock
Website: smashingpumpkins.com
The Verdict:
To the anonymous piece of turd that put some redirect JavaScript on a comment that was a bitch and a half for me to remove, I say, may you and yours die a slow painful death by superintelligent spiders.
Now, I don’t allow anonymous comments.
Goddamn anonymous so-and-so’s.
IMAGINARY INTERVIEWER: First, thank you for taking the time to talk with me.
SPLOTCHY: Oh, my pleasure.
II: Why the self-referential post?
S: Well, I had just thought of it on the train ride into work this morning. I like the occasional non-sequitur post once in a while. For example, my all caps post went over well, I thought.
II: As of this interview, 14 comments.
S: Yeah. Better than all my arcade sound quizzes and answer posts combined.
II: Yes. Not very popular, were they?
S: No. Do you think you can provide links to the quizzes?
II: Sorry, I can’t. Let’s get back to the self-referential post. Were there any fears you had with regards to it? That you would alienate readers?
S: Yeah, I did have some fears, but not really related to alienating anyone. In all seriousness, I thought putting a link in a post that referred to the post itself might cause some sort of problem with the software that Blogger runs on.
II: Really?
S: Yeah, for a fleeting instant. But I guess we’re okay. The sky has not fallen.
II: Anything else you’d care to add?
S: Oh yeah, I forgot. There is actually another reason for my self-referential post. I’m all excited about my “Who’s In Charge Here?” posts, where I analyze the power dynamics of a band via one of their publicity photos.
II: Yes, I have seen it. It’s probably been done before, and better.
S: I don’t know anything about that. Anyway, I already have some choice photos of Styx and the Smashing Pumpkins lined up, but I don’t want to inundate my blog with-
II: One second… Yes? Yeah. I’ll pick him up at school today. No, I’m done. I’m done with the interview. No, it’s done. He’s just going on about something. Okay, bye. Sorry, please go on with whatever you were talking about.
S: Okay. So, I don’t want to overload my readers with my “Who’s In Charge Here?” posts that I am itching to get to, so I need to provide some posts in between them.
II: Filler, as it were?
S: Well, sort of. I’d like to think of the self-referential post as not being just filler, but also entertaining.
II: Is that what this interview is? Filler?
S: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaayybe…….
II: THIS POST IS OVER!