It’s been a while since Two Buck Schmuck has saddled up to the LaGrange Theater, so I reckoned… ack, why I am typing like Sam Elliott? I decided to go see a movie.

Showtimes are a little funky at the four-screen LaGrange this week, so there are only three movies being shown starting at or after 9:00pm.

Here were my choices:

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer – NO! We talked about this already!
Waitress – It has Felicity (Keri Russell) in it. If it’s not a movie where she gets a brain hemorrhage triggered by a gadget implanted in her head by Philip Seymour Hoffman, I’ll take a pass.

And that leaves us with this star-studded shitty piece of shit:

The best part of Ocean’s 13 was when a blonde chick got herself bitten on her big boob. Let me explain. As I was heading out the door, my wife found the movie Snakes On A Plane on a pay channel. She called after me, “Hey! A chick’s gonna get her boob bit!” We were both aware of the high points of the movie, although neither of us had seen it. “Pause it!” I yelled, as I finished getting my keys, wallet, etc. together. I ran downstairs and watched the aforementioned big-titted blonde get bit on the boob by an eerily muppet-like snake, and then, I was off to the LaGrange, knowing I would most likely be having the inferior cinematic experience.

I didn’t have any paper cash money on me, so I had to rummage through some loose change. I somewhat proudly presented my eight quarters to purchase my ticket.

Tonight was a first for me! Theater 4! Theater 4 actually has brand-new seats, as well as new red runner lights down the aisle. Theater 4 also has murals containing some rather amateurish and disturbing patriotic paintings running the entire length of both sides of the theater. There’s awkward eagles, badly-proportioned army grunts, marines with dark sockets where their eyes should be. And to top it off, “We The People” is scrawled in what appears to be a dying man’s last message written in his own saliva.

The house lights of Theater 4 were actually fluorescent, and gave off a fair enough wattage that I could read my Movie Fun Facts. For those not familiar with Movie Fun Facts, they are a free pamphlet full of movie synopses and advertising. And hey, they have a website. Say hi to their mascot, Seymore Flix for me, wouldja? And please don’t call him Seymore Dix, that’s just plain rude.

As I was reading the various movie blurbs, it struck me how many recent mainstream movies are drawing on the same nastiness that Hostel II did.

Here’s the blurbs that stood out to me:

THE BRAVE ONE Action/Thriller
Unable to move past the tragedy of losing her fiance during a brutal attack, a New York radio host prowls the city at night in a dark and anonymous quest for justice against the men she holds responsible.

DEATH SENTENCE (R) Drama
A vengeful father sets out on a mission to kill the thugs involved with a heinous gang-initiated attack on his family.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (R) Thriller
After escaping a sadistic serial killer, a young woman struggles to convince anyone that she is not who she appears to be and that the person they all think she is may still be in mortal danger.

THINGS WE LOST IN THE FIRE (R) Drama
After an unspeakable act of violence tears her world apart, a grieving widow forges an unlikely relationship with her late husband’s best friend from childhood, who has also lost everything because of his addiction to heroin.

TRADE (R) Drama
A young Mexican girl is abducted and forced into becoming a sex slave, leading her brother to team up with a police officer who has learned his own daughter has been kidnapped.

Holy shit! You know what’s more disturbing than all these movies combined? The fact that there are movie studio executives having serious discussions that this is the kind of crap that the moviegoing audience wants and/or needs. Yucky, yucky, yucky.

However, I’m not saying we need more movies like Ocean’s 13. Oh, God no.

The plot for this movie is the following:

1. Elliott Gould’s character does something stupid — he trusts a tanned Al Pacino, who obviously will go on to doublecross him. Pacino can’t help it. That’s what he does when he’s tan.
2. Gould suffers a heart attack as a result of the tanned Pacino’s actions.
3. The Ocean Consortium of Slumming Actors bands together to seek revenge on the tanned Pacino.

That’s it.

Can I just say right here and now that I hate Elliott Gould? Not that I hate him as a person. And, I hope he never reads these words that profess my hate for him. I would feel awful. I mean, hate is a strong word, and I would never, ever wish him any ill will. Still, every time he pops up in a movie or a TV show, I just say, “Man, I hate that guy.”

The 1970’s were an interesting time for actors. Unconventional looking actors that used to be relegated to bit parts suddenly had opportunities to play leading roles. Many times this worked out great. But then there was Elliott Gould. Just as you can have an actor or actress coast on his or her good looks, Gould somehow coasted on his quirky appearance in the 70’s. And is Gould capable of any expression or emotion other than a bemused smirk? I THINK NOT. There’s this neat little thriller from 1978 called Silent Partner. Christopher Plummer is insanely good in it as an antagonist to, who is it? Oh, crap. Elliott Gould. Fuckin’ Elliott Gould. How much better would it be without Gould? A shitload better.

Okay, sorry, enough about that jerk.

I don’t really have a lot to say about this boring, pointless movie. I’d put Ocean’s 13 in the same category as films like Cannonball Run and Smokey And The Bandit 4. It was probably a lot more fun making the movie then it was to watch it. On second thought, I can’t imagine much fun being had in the making, either. After all, Al Pacino is in it.

Oh, by the way, everything works out for Danny Ocean and his crew. The earthquake they started as a diversionary tactic didn’t end up killing anyone. Well, no one onscreen, at least. And isn’t that what’s really important?