Frank Lloyd Wright: “There is no way in hell I am giving you a rumpus room.”
Monthly Archives: August 2007
In Case You Were Wondering…
To jon and kirby, who were kind enough to leave a comment here — the Interrupting Cow knock-knock joke killed.
It killed.
Reliving The Nightmare Of Fractions
Hey, I like commenting on other people’s blogs. If that makes me a schmoozer, I guess I am schmoozer.
I have been bestowed a lovely “Schmooze” award by two esteemed bloggers — Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein and SamuraiFrog.
Unfortunately, there is a catch.
Apparently the strict, brutally-enforced rules of the Schmooze award specify that only five awards may be given in an Official Schmooze Award Ceremony ™.
In both cases of my schmooziness recognition, I was given a “partial schmooze” award (which is actually illegal in several states, I believe). The good doctor gave me 1/3 of an award (sharing with two other people), while The Frog gave me 1/2 of an award (shared with the incomparable Johnny Yen).
Oh, great. A GODDAMN FRACTION PROBLEM.
1/2 + 1/3 = ?
(1/2 * 3/3) + (1/3 * 2/2) = ?
3/6 + 2/6 = ?
The answer is 5/6.
I am a 5/6 schmoozer.
Seeing that I am not a full-blown schmoozer, I will bestow five awards upon other bloggers, but they will unfortunately be “partial schmooze” awards. I’m sorry. That’s all I can do. If I tried to give you a full schmooze award, my life would be forfeit.
1. kristi receives 4/7 of a schmooze award because she has more than once dropped a wittily-punned comment here that just bounced off my dullard skull.
2. It might be tacky to award an award to an awardee that was an awarder that awarded an award to me, but I have to throw 1/19 of a schmooze award to Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein, who by his comments here seems to think I am occasionally funny.
3. I have to throw some schmooze love out to Johnny Yen. Unfortunately, I can only give Mr. Yen 1/4 of a schmooze award. Please correct me if I am wrong, but with the 1/2 of an award given to him by SamuraiFrog and this 1/4 award from me, his total schmooze adds up to a 3/4 partial schmooze. If my calculations are correct, this is a mere 1/12 less than my current schmoozosity.
4. Bubs, you totally get 2/0 of a schmooze sailing out your way. I treasure each comment you drop here, but seeing as you already got a complete schmooze award from Doctor Von Monkerstein, I feel like I can give you a fraction that will break a calculator.
5. Lastly, I must give each of the following bloggers 1/423 of a schmooze award:
Manx
Jess
Anandamide
Chris
Frank
J.D.
Tim
Beckeye
To anyone not mentioned above, I HATE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART.
No, seriously, it’s really a warm feeling when someone leaves any kind of comment. If you ever have left a comment (and it wasn’t an advertisement for an exciting new widget for my blog), have the knowledge you brought a smile to my pustule-covered, hideously-disfigured face.
Love,
Splotchy
The Spreading Virus of Shy Avatars
Advertising I Can Get Behind
For the most part, I absolutely despise advertising. I hate it.
Okay. But, let’s say it was an old ad painted on a building.
Keep talking…
Let’s say it was an ad in disrepair, where the paint was peeling, and in its dilapidated state it somehow conveyed an improbably-pleasing aesthetic.
Hmmmm… I’m listening…
And how about the ad is for a product that, despite being heavily marketed at the time, died a sad, uneventful death, so much so that most people who glance at this ad today have no clue what the product’s purpose was?
I am so there!!!!
A Like Cola ad seen on a building on the north side of Ogden Avenue, on the western edge of Brookfield near the cross street of East Avenue.
Free Movie Titles! (Romance)
These titles are most suited for love stories.
01. You’ve Got Cancer
02. My Vagina On Ogden
03. I Married A Hooker
04. Our Dogs Like Each Other
05. Mom And Dad Will Be So Mad
06. Phineas H. Loofapuff’s Curious Love Contraption
07. The Ostensibly Erotic Affair
08. Tender Nipples
09. Givin’ It My Best Shot
10. If This Isn’t Love, Then I Don’t Know What Love Is
Hypothetical Quotes By People of Distinction
Dee Dee Ramone: “5-6-7-8!”
Spaced
Kristi is going to talk about the latest TV series she is catching up with after-the-fact, and she expects a throwdown like that to go unchallenged?!
What the hell am I talking about? I don’t rightly know. I guess because of the fact that she was writing about catching up with a show she had never seen, and I am in the midst of doing the same thing, I thought I would share. I’m a sharer, you know.
After seeing Hot Fuzz at the LaGrange, and rewatching Shaun of the Dead recently on the teevee, I thought I’d dig a little deeper into the history of their creators, Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright.
Way, way back in 1999 they put together a slackerish pop-culture rich sitcom called Spaced. It took me a couple episodes to get into it, but I’m at the end of Season 1 now, and liking it very, very much.
I’m not going to go into the details of the show — from what I can tell, every episode of the damn show is up on YouTube (though the episodes *are* split into bite-size chunks).
Still, I’ll give you a scene from my favorite episode thus far. Simon Pegg’s character gets a visit from his bike messenger friend Tyres, who is also a hardcore rave music freak that can’t help but feel the rhythm.
Free Movie Titles!
This installment focuses on Horror/Suspense
01. Dank
02. The Very Bloody Blood
03. Help! My Head Is About To Explode!
04. The Lady Wore Underpants
05. Death Soybean
06. I Tattoo You To Death
07. Ping Pong Pete
08. Scamper [note: mutant squirrels]
09. Senator Very Deadly
10. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Knock-Knock
Inspired by Johnny Yen, who made a little room in his blog for the wit and wisdom of his son Adam, I too shall on occasion post in awe of the wit and wisdom of my own kids.
Not too long ago I introduced the kids to the wonders of the knock-knock joke, including the justifiably-praised “banana” gag.
So, my four year old daughter comes up to me the other day.
____________________
“Knock, knock,” she says.
“Who’s there?” I reply.
“Toot.”
“Toot who?”
She turns around so I’m looking at her back, squats slightly, and produces a large wet, mouth fart.
____________________
She will probably outgrow this kind of humor at some point, but I have a sinking feeling that I will not.
Hey, if you have a good knock-knock joke, I’d love to hear it. I’m always looking for new material.