Monthly Archives: September 2007

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So Disgusting, So Delicious

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Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein has been of late posting some very lovely cooking posts.

I’ve been a l’il inspired by him, as I so often am.

I’d like to share a little recipe that I made up all by myself when I was a youngun. I haven’t actually made this dish (if you can call it that) in probably twenty-five years or more.

Those of you with young children might want to teach this trick to them. Hey, forget the kids, this is a treat for children of all ages.

Warning: This post contains potentially disgusting pictures. I assure you that nothing unsavory was done in the making of this post. And the ingredients only consist of M&M’s and water.

You will need: M&M’s and a paper cup full of water

Pour the M&M’s into the water.

Wait.

At a certain point, the water gets saturated with M&M detritus, so you must empty the water out and refill with fresh stuff. My wife grudgingly looked at these pictures shortly before I uploaded them. She asked me, “What do you do with the water?” I replied, “You drink it, of course.”

Immediately after refilling the cup with water, it turned this murky green color.

Empty the water again, to reveal the delicious milk chocolate remaining.

Bon Appetit!

google

More Fun With Google!

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The Internet is a huge swamp of information. Google is like a poking stick you lower into the swamp, attempting to bring forth the nasty, squirmy things you’re searching for.

It’s always interesting when someone comes my way through the use of a Google search.

Here’s an exercise you may have fun doing. Supply some Google searches where your blog comes at the *very* top of the list.

Here’s ten of mine.

squirrel spit paralysis
green monkey stevie nicks
meaningless cherry
youdude.com
cockroach rabbit carcass
cat mushroom goose poo
ringdinging
zombie finger dexterity
magic tainted adult-oriented bodybuilder
pretzel choking gravitas

UPDATE!

Matty Boy did this exercise over at his neck of the woods, giving it an excellent name: “Google Likes Me Best”. Give it a try, why don’tcha?

gmmp

The Monkey Awakens For Volume Six

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Okay, the green monkey what lives in my brain has had sufficient rest. I have urged him to take it a little easier, not lift anything heavy, etc.

I am proud to announce Volume 6 of the Green Monkey Music Project – Can’t Wait For Halloween.

All the songs must have some tenuous connection to Halloween, or things of a spooky nature. I’m going to allow up to seven people to join in this time, for a total participant count (including me) of eight.

The number of songs that someone can contribute will depend on how many people participate. That being said, participants will be able to contribute five songs no matter what.

I’ll be starting off the mix this time. Here is my song list (which might expand if we get less than eight people playing).

01 – Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – Red Right Hand
02 – Echo and the Bunnymen – The Yo Yo Man
03 – Roky Erickson – Creature With The Atom Brain
04 – Pink Floyd – Lucifer Sam
05 – Flaming Lips – Ice Drummer

I’m reserving one slot for Lulu because she asked so nicely.

The rest of you, please sign up via a comment on this post. You don’t haveta provide your songs yet if you don’t want to, just say you’re interested in joining.

Happy Early Halloween!

UPDATE!

We have our nine(!) participants signed up!

Splotchy!
The Idea Of Progress!
Frank Sirmarco!
Chris!
Lulu!
Barbara!
Manx!
Matty Boy!
Dale!

If Lulu opts to not take part in this mix, I’ll reopen her slot, so to speak. To anyone who may have asked ahead of time to be in the mix, my apologies for not holding a spot for you — I didn’t want to have to go hunting through the comments in my archives.I guess I’m still working out the kinks (or is that The Kinks?).

Since we have a full number of participants in this mix, I ask that you choose no more than five songs for your selections.

For those who haven’t played before, simply leave a comment on this post, indicating the artist and song title of your selections. I’ll attempt to obtain the tracks from my magical jukebox. If I have difficulty getting a song, I’ll ask you to send me a copy. There’s a good chance I’ll be able to find whatever songs you pick.

Thanks to everyone for signing up!

movies, two buck schmuck

Die Hard Or Suck Harder

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Two movies after 9:00pm this week at the LaGrange.

Knocked Up – I’d seen this and liked it in a first-run theater, but didn’t feel like seeing it again.

Live Free Or Die Hard – Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

So, it was the Die Hard movie I subjected myself to, and yes, it sucked harder than all its predecessors.

The bad guy in this movie was computer superdude Thomas Gabriel, played by Timothy Olyphant, probably most recognizable as Seth Bullock on the HBO series Deadwood, where he displayed a wide palette of emotions — agitated hostility and hostile agitation. He plays basically the same character here, except without a mustache.

Mr. Gabriel creates havoc via his team of hackers to shutdown the US, in order to get money, or teach us a lesson, or be a jerk, or something. Ah, the action movie that uses computers as a major plot device. Excepting WarGames, these movies never work.

Here’s some tips for Hollywood types thinking about making an action movie centered around computers:

1. Watching someone hit a Delete key, even if it results in an explosion causing their death, is not exciting.

2. Having a closeup shot of a cable being plugged into a USB port is not exciting.

3. Watching people sweating under pressure typing on a keyboard is not exciting.

4. Building up suspense to reveal the ultimate uber hacker (which invariably leads to a “comical” revelation that he lives in his parents’ basement) is not exciting.

5. Having that uber hacker be Kevin Smith is not exciting.

John McClain, now an unstoppable action machine, has a nerd dork in tow for the entire movie — it’s that asshead Mac guy, Justin Long! I still blame you for making me go out and buy a new wireless router, jerk!

I don’t know. I really enjoyed action movies in the 80’s where all sorts of physical laws were routinely violated by the hero, and much destruction was done to anonymous henchman, but here it just left me cold.

Bruce Willis is just such a humorless smarmy wiener, it’s impossible to enjoy this movie. And, I’m no strapping young buck, but the man’s head is approaching some sort of strange four-sided polygon shape. I’m a little concerned for the man’s health. Maybe he should eat more circles.

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True Employment Pictures

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I took my camera to work yesterday, with the half-assed idea I’d take pictures at the Chicago Cubs game I was going to later that night (they lost!).

I ended up just leaving my camera in the car, so I have no lovely photos of their loss or my drinking of much beer.

I *did* take some pictures of my work area earlier in the day. Several people have privately urged me to share photos of my workplace. Okay, no one has actually done this. But here they are!

First something to grab your attention!

If I turn around from my ‘puter, this is what I see. A guy on my team recently retired, and I moved into his “cube” with the spectacular view. I like me a starin’ window.

Old Man Programmer didn’t just leave me with the view. He also left me with this crazy-assed plant that I almost killed (plants need water, apparently).

I have a reasonably-sized section of wall dedicated to all things artistic:

On the wall I have some pics from the kiddies, as well as my previously mentioned yellowed clipping of a post-pretzel-choking Dubya.

Just below him are my cherished foreign monkey (well, chimpanzee, actually) postcards. If you ask really nicely, I’ll scan them so you can see them in their “hilarious” glory.

My bookcase (partial view)

Here’s some books I rarely look at, along with some various doodads.

Doodads
The red buddha on the left was given to me by a coworker coming back from a trip to China. The Beast and Hulk action figures were presents given to my superhero-lovin’ daughter. They turned out to be die cast, and really heavy, so I, being the anxious daddy that I am, took them to work. The snowglobe I got in Rome. It’s gradually losing water, I think probably just due to evaporation. Nestled behind the globe is Duke, the completely unnecessary and slightly disturbing mascot of Java. If you look at the bottom left of the picture, you can just make out the plastic wrestler dude that sits atop my PC, guarding it with fists raised. Lastly, I can’t remember where that lion toy came from. It’s a bonafide mystery.

Books
A lot of the books I got for free. Some I got at the various JavaOne conferences I have attended. My brother used to work for a publishing company, and he would be able to get some free programming books as well, which he’d give to me. That Idiot’s Guide To Linux is one of them. On principle, I would never spend money on a book that insults my intelligence in its title.

My favorite book out of these is Joshua Bloch’s Effective Java:

I saw Bloch give a lecture at JavaOne, basically taking samples out of his book. I liked the lecture so much I bought it.

His next book was done with Neal Gafter, called Java Puzzlers:

I didn’t like Java Puzzlers so much. It felt more like a “I know squirrelly things about Java that you don’t know, and would never be able to figure out” book. But, I did get them to autograph the book for me when I was at my last JavaOne:

I had specifically asked one of them to write “Keep On Rockin'” and the other to write “Keep On Rollin'”. I thought it was funny. They didn’t seem to think so, but obliged me.

They no longer work for Sun Microsystems — they’re bigshots at Google now. May they rock and roll and understand my sense of humor far into the future!

david blaine

David Blaine’s Blog Spectacular

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We, the humble folks at I, Splotchy are proud to announce our participation in the latest event in the eventful career of illusionist and stunt performer David Blaine.

Mr. Blaine has consented to occupying a small 1 inch square area on this blog (located on the top of the right sidebar) for two uninterrupted weeks, subsisting on nothing but pure oxygen, crackers, and filtered urine. Mr. Blaine’s liquid sustenance will be provided by the green monkey what lives in our brain (strained through cheesecloth to eliminate pollutants).

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Blaine in what we hope to be a lifetime of cooperation with I, Splotchy, where together we can provide the blogreading public the sensational, awe-inspiring whimsy it so richly deserves.

iSplotchy

Presenting the iSplotchy

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Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

I am proud to have been given the opportunity, NAY! — the honor, to present the latest entry in technological devices that will change the landscape of human existence.


The iSplotchy.

A combination of concrete, steel and nanotechnology, the iSplotchy pushes the envelope in its enrichment of the everyday banal existence of the human race.

To answer your first question, yes, of course it plays music.

The iSplotchy’s numerous concrete nanoridges are capable of storing over 17 terabytes of information.

Numerous nanoports also allow for features hitherto unseen on technological devices available to the consumer.

So you are thinking, of course I love to have fun, but where can I find a babysitter?

With its 6 GHz tri-core processors, the iSplotchy is perfectly capable of acting as a caretaker for up to 5 children, with ages varying from infant to ten years old (note: iSplotchy does not change diapers).

The iSplotchy represents a cultural revolution in the making. Even before its official release, many websites and humorous memes have sprung up spontaneously to celebrate its inception.

With a “brain” that far surpasses any organic entity on earth, its numerous features which have only begun to be discovered, this post regarding the iSplotchy is not just a product announcement. It is far more than that.

The iSplotchy is running for the office of the President of these United States. America has done far worse. Now is the time for change. Time for the iSplotchy.

that's not funny that's sick, youtube

While I’m Being All Preachy

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Ack, there have been two posts I have made thus far that I felt I were a bit too obnoxiously strident. The McDonald’s post was one of them (here’s the other).

I really need to leave the moralizing to the professionals. And they don’t get any more professional than Florrie Fisher. If she looks eerily like Amy Sedaris in Strangers With Candy, it’s no coincidence. She was the inspiration for the show.

Now, thanks to the kind folks at YouTube, and the generous people who uploaded it, here’s a moving, heartfelt documentary from Fisher and Company:

The Trip Back

(Note: If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, at least watch the Q&A in Part 3).

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3