Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

Hello once again!

Steve Jobs here!

Normally you know me in my role of esteemed visionary of this planet that we call Ceres, Demeter, Earth Goddess.

However, a lesser known role (though no less valuable) is my constant striving to imbue common everyday objects with unbridled sexuality.

Laptops, music players, telephones. These are all boring objects that fill the functional bookshelves of our lives. These everyday objects are resistant to econosexualization. It is a herculean effort to find features to make these products appealing — add a glowing apple here, make a screen adjust horizontally there — dreadful, boring drudgery.

Yet, once in long while, an object comes pre-sexed, alluring and awe-inspiring, only requiring me to convey to the public in the simplest terms, what the product is and what it can do.

Of course, I speak of the iSplotchy.

And so, I am radiantly proud to announce the inception of a clothing line featuring the iSplotchy.

The iSplotchy at Cafe Press

Now you, the average man and/or woman, can walk the streets, advertising this wonderful product, and your own implicit approval of said product. Not only will the unwashed public see your support of the iSplotchy, but by wearing its apparel the iSplotchy will support you.

The time is now. It is time to advertise the product that is transforming reality for the deserving denizens of this planet. Do you want to be one of the few who is left behind, as the technological rapture sweeps the chosen away, leaving you to sit around and wonder with your boring little lives, “What did I do wrong?”

The time is now. The t-shirts are cotton.

The iSplotchy.