Monthly Archives: October 2007

links

Just A List Of Links

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I recently found a few things I liked so much I thought I should share, so here goes — my first links post.

Comcast screws with its subscribers (link via Slashdot)
Investigation into practices Comcast has been engaging in to hamper filesharing for its subscribers. Yes, there are legal forms of filesharing, smartass.

Van Halen keyboard “Jump” travesty (link via BoingBoing)
The backing recording of the keyboard to “Jump” Van Halen has been using in its latest slew of concerts is played at the wrong pitch, creating an avant garde mess.

Comedian Doug Benson’s MySpace blog
Doug Benson is just a comedian I admire. He makes a point of posting something every day, and usually it’s very, very funny. Dig into the archives, why don’tcha.

Uncategorized

Alternative Smashing Pumpkins Bandname Suggestions

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I saw a half-gnawed pumpkin on my walk to the train today, which of course made me think of the 1993 album Siamese Dream.

Billy Corgan recently revived his old group Smashing Pumpkins for a new album. I thought it might be nice to give the band a new name, as it represents a different lineup from the earlier Pumpkins incarnation.

Here are some suggestions. You can take them or leave them.

01 Smooshing Pumpkins
02 Squeezing Pimples
03 Pickled Beets
04 Tickling Squash
05 Fisting Watermelons
06 Counting Crows
07 Billy Corgan’s Ennui Featuring Jimmy Chamberlin On Drums
08 Weeping Thunder
09 Baldy
10 After-Zwan

Oh, and I still want my audition tape back.

career retrospectives, two buck schmuck

Finally, An Outlet For My Pent-Up Feelings Towards Joel Schumacher

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There aren’t many film directors out there that routinely provoke such a visceral reaction in me, but Joel Schumacher is one of them.

Let’s take a look back at a long, fruitful Hollywood career.

The Virginia Hill Story (1974) (TV)
Didn’t see it.

Amateur Night at the Dixie Bar and Grill (1979) (TV)
Didn’t see it.

The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981)
Lily Tomlin, right? I don’t remember it being bad, but I used to regularly watch game shows hosted by Wink Martindale around that time, so my tastes aren’t necessarily trustworthy.

D.C. Cab (1983)
This is the one with Mr. T, right? Didn’t see it.

St. Elmo’s Fire (1985)
Everything sucked except for the part when Rob Lowe was pretending to play the saxophone, which may be the funniest thing ever recorded on film.

The Lost Boys (1987)
Like a vampire, it sucked.

Cousins (1989)
This had Ted Danson, right? I’m guessing it probably sucked.

Flatliners (1990)
Sucked.

Dying Young (1991)
Didn’t see it, but am 90% sure it sucked.

Falling Down (1993)
Sucked!

The Client (1994)
I think I saw part of this. It sucked, if memory serves.

Batman Forever (1995)
This was the Val Kilmer one, I think. Oh yeah, with Jim Carrey butchering The Riddler (R.I.P. Frank Gorshin) and Tommy Lee Jones completely missing the point about Two-Face. I only saw bits and pieces of it, but it sucked worse than getting a long rod stuck into your urethra (and I speak from experience).

A Time to Kill (1996)
Didn’t see it, but it has Sandra Bullock in it, hence it sucks.

Batman & Robin (1997)
This was the George Clooney one, I believe. It sucked more than having a hot wire stuck into your urethra, but in this case, I can’t speak from experience.

8MM (1999)
Disgusting, misanthropic twaddle. And it sucked.

Flawless (1999)
I didn’t see this. It stars Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robert DeNiro. If any movie made by Joel Schumacher didn’t suck, this might be the one. But I doubt it. It probably sucks.

Tigerland (2000)
Didn’t see it. Don’t know anything about it. It probably sucks.

Bad Company (2002)
Wow, I forgot about this one. I caught ten minutes of it on cable. Boy, did it suck.

Phone Booth (2002)
An intriguing premise run through a suckifier.

Veronica Guerin (2003)
Didn’t see it.

The Phantom of the Opera (2004)
Didn’t see it. I’d wager a fiver it sucked hard.

The Number 23 (2007)
Saw the trailer. It sucked.

a peek into the exciting life of splotchy, meme

The Cool Lame Nexus

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The Idea Of Progress recently tagged me with a task I thought might be fun to attempt.

I am acutely aware of my own idea of coolness and how it often intersects with what others would consider lame.

To fulfill my task, I now present to you five I’m-cool-yet-lame-to-you facts about myself.

1. I geeked out with a couple Apple II graphics programs in junior high.

In what was perhaps foreshadowing of my current career in IT, I was really into playing around with some Apple computers in the computer lab at my junior high school.

There were two different graphics programs I played with — lo-res (GR) and high-res (HGR).

In HGR, I mostly did weird things where I would have shifting lines I created by plotting lines using X-Y coordinates, set by counter variables I would decrement and increment. Ah ha! I can see already that you have no idea what the hell I am talking about. In plain English, the stuff I created in HGR kind of looked like the Qix.

In GR, I was even more geeky. The GR screen consisted of a screen of 40 by 40 blocks. In GR you could issue commands to make horizontal lines, vertical lines and individual dots. I actually had graph paper where I would draw out pictures, which I would then painstakingly render in a GR program.

My pièce de résistance was a nighttime scene with a red sports car, with an animated shooting star falling from the sky. Wicked! Unfortunately, I have no idea where my original graph paper or programs are. Your loss, I guess.

2. I made Billy Bob swear.

Here’s another computer anecdote showing how cool/lame I am, also from around the time I was in junior high. I was a big fan of arcade games in my youth. Chuck E. Cheese’s was about the only place within walking distance of my house that had any arcade games (and those weren’t even all that good), so every once in a while I’d go there.

At the time there was a computer terminal there on which you could play some various games. I think the games were free (they were educational, and not that popular with Chuck E. Cheese patrons). One of the activities on the computer was a somewhat primitive voice synthesis program. You typed in some words, and “Billy Bob” the bear would say the words in his eerily synthetic voice. Obviously, the first thing I tried to do was make him swear.

Oh, those clever computer programmers! Whenever you typed in “shit” or “fuck” the voice synthesizer would instead say “Billy Bob Will Not Say That”.

I immediately rose to the challenge, typing “shiht” and “phuck”, which Billy Bob promptly pronounced. I think that’s when I started to insanely cackle.

Then I typed “fuck phuck” which made the program say “Billy Bob Will Not Say That Fuck”.

Man, I still smile thinking about that. Good times.

3. I was a kickass Dungeon Master for a day.

I have already documented my limited experience with Dungeons and Dragons here. However, I have not mentioned that I DM’ed a game once. A DM (Dungeon Master) is the guy who is responsible for guiding player’s characters through an adventure. He or she (aw, who the hell am I kidding, it’s just “he”) plays all the Non-Player characters (NPC), he rolls dice for monsters fighting the characters, he is the characters’ eyes and ears in the world they are experiencing. My short time as a DM was at the University of Illinois in Urbana. With me being lame and living in a twelve floor male-only dorm of concentrated lameness, I am assuming that the probability of me playing Dungeons and Dragons in some capacity there was very high.

Anywho, it was just one game, with me as the DM and two other people playing characters. It actually was just the start of an adventure we never finished. For preparation, I had scribbled to myself some very basic details about the world I was having these people move their characters through. I was pretty much flying by the seat of my pants. But, here’s the coolness. I realized I was good. I reacted very quickly to their characters’ actions. I was rapidly painting a world as their characters walked into it, and it was a nice, vivid world fraught with danger and excitement. I was confident, and knew I could be a decent DM if I wanted to be.

But, that’s as far as I took it. Which I’m fine with.

4. A band I was in got a record released in Italy.

Wow, that sounds cool, don’t it? It does until I tell you the band was one of the most stinkingly pretentious, dumb-dumb lyric, cheesy bands that ever reared its head in Southern Illinois.

I guess I carry the coolness/lameness duality within myself for this experience. It was great to be on a record in another country, but I just wish it wasn’t the lame album that it was.

If you play your cards right, I might upload one of the songs I was on.

5. I still remember the plotlines of my Amazing Spider-Man comics.

I stopped collecting comics over twenty years ago. My favorite title was The Amazing Spider-Man. I have a pretty damned good memory for things I like.

I am proud that I still remember the one-off villain Mindworm made his first appearance in issue #138. Oh, who can forget the sadness that is issue #121? Poor, poor Gwen Stacy.

If you check out the Amazing Spider-Man Wikipedia article and scour through the revisions, you may note that I corrected the first appearance of The Lizard.

Damn, I am cool/lame!

I tag all the lame people! Cool people, relax!

movies, two buck schmuck

Oh, The Death You’ll Sentence!

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I’m not going to even tell you my choices at the LaGrange tonight. I knew what I wanted to see and I saw it.

I was quite excited about tonight’s movie. It had all the components of a perfect two-buck movie:

1. A white-collar revenge drama bringing unholy punishment on a bunch of dirty gangbangers
2. The avenger is Kevin Bacon.
3. The director is James Wan, the writer/director of the completely ridiculous Saw franchise.

Of course, I speak of the magnificent Death Sentence.

Wow, check that poster out! That’s something. I don’t know what that something is, but it’s definitely something.

What we have in this film is a white suburban male revenge boner fantasy. Wait, that’s really not fair. What we have here is a hacky writer/director’s silly notion of a white suburban male revenge boner fantasy.

This movie was so darned silly and implausible, I heartily enjoyed it.

Kevin Bacon is a well-to-do risk analyst with a loving wife and two kids he adores (well, he loves one of the kids at least – he’s really good at hockey). As he and the loved son head home from a hockey game, Bacon makes the biggest mistake a white person can make when driving a car at night — flashing his headlights as a friendly reminder to another driver that their headlights are not on. BIG MISTAKE, MR. BACON. The next thing you know, he’s watching his #1 Son get his neck sliced open by a gangbanger wielding a machete.

Wait, don’t feel sad! It’s clear that the filmmakers don’t want you to feel any sense of loss. What you need to feel is the white suburban rage coursing through Kevin Bacon’s thetans.

Through a series of incredibly silly plot twists, Bacon goes to machete dude’s place of residence and kills him with a rusty knife. But wouldn’t you know, he was spotted by the sister of a gang member, who fingers Bacon as the rusty knife-wielder.

Bacon gets home and informs his family that the gang member that killed #1 Son was killed, perhaps by some sort of rival gang violence. And please ignore his rumpled clothes and the deep, bleeding slice on his hand! He fell on the driveway!

Meanwhile, the gang members are stewing at their favorite bar, trying to determine whether pouring your drinks on the floor or drinking them constitutes more respect to the departed. What they do agree on is that they are going to kill Mr. Bacon.

So, the following day, as Bacon is walking out of work, the gang members attempt to ambush him. A reasonably exciting foot chase ensues. One thing I found amusing was the chase was the flipside of something you would find in a Friday the 13th movie. In the Friday the 13th films, Jason walks at a steady but unhurried pace after some dimwitted victim. The victim is invariably hauling ass, but it makes no difference. No one can escape the plodding of Jason, despite how close to the speed of light they are traveling. In the chase scene in this film, seven or eight guys in their physical prime are sprinting after the middle-aged Bacon, but they just can’t seem to gain on the fellah.

Bacon manages to get away to his home. Now, you’d think that now that he realizes the gang members are aware that he killed their buddy, and are out for his blood, that he might warn his family, or at least say, “Hey, let’s go on a ROAD TRIP!” Well, you would be wrong. What does he do, the day after he was ambushed at his place of work? HE GOES BACK TO WORK.

A gang member delivers Bacon’s briefcase (he had dropped it in the prior day’s chase) to him, with a picture of Bacon’s family with their faces crossed out. Holy cow! I didn’t take the previous day’s ambush seriously, but they have crossed my family’s faces off! That’s a red flag! My family and me are in DANGER!

Bacon finally calls the cops, who put a car outside his home. No, the detective that keeps on popping up throughout the film doesn’t ask him any hard-hitting questions about why his hand is sliced up, etc. What, is that a detective’s job? Figuring shit out?

There is a brief interlude between Bacon and his wife. She doesn’t give him ANY crap for putting their entire family in jeopardy, and doesn’t give him ANY crap for killing a guy. She says, “No matter what happens, you’re a good father.” HOLY SHIT. What a gal.

Of course, the next thing you know the gang members have slit the throats of the patrolmen parked out front and have entered Bacon’s house. Shortly after they shoot Bacon, his wife and their son. Just remember, no matter what happens, Bacon is a good father.

I have already recounted much of the plot, but I must really stop, to give you something to look forward to. How about John Goodman as a body shop owner and gun dealer? How about a police force that feels no need to arrest anyone in relation to the throat-slitting of a couple patrolmen? You’ll have to wait and see for yourself Bacon’s heartfelt confession to his comatose Son #2 that he really didn’t like him as much as hockey-playing Son #1.

Oh my God this was a cheap movie to warm the heart and soul.

gmmp

Splotchy’s Contribution To ABC

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Here’s a discussion of my selections for the ABC mix, Volume 9 of the Green Monkey Music Project.

This was a really fun mix for me, because when I first announced the mix, I didn’t have my songs already picked out. I didn’t know what letters I would be responsible for until all the rest of the participants had gotten assigned their letters. If fact, I believe on this particular mix I ended up being the last guy to pick his songs. It’s nice to be last sometimes!

So, the letters I had were K through O (Metallic K-O!!!).

I was actually a little depressed when I put my songs together, which definitely had an influence on my choices. I’m still satisfied with how my choices turned out. It’s nice to occasionally have a particular emotion influence the selections.


King’s Lead Hat – Brian Eno
This is a very nice rockin’ song from Before And After Science. The title is an anagram for “Talking Heads”.

Love Action (I Believe In Love) – Human League
Off the great album Dare. You can find the Human League’s biggest hit, “Don’t You Want Me” on the same record, but in my opinion, “Love Action” kicks the holy crap out of it. A really great synth pop song. I was a little reluctant to include it here, as I have a future mix planned for synthesizer music where this would surely have had a spot. Oh, well. It starts with ‘L’, I reckon.

Midnight – Kramer
Wow, choosing an ‘M’ song was incredibly difficult. There are so many songs I love that start with ‘M’ — there’s “Move On Up” by Curtis Mayfield. There’s a great song by Stephin Merritt’s band the 6ths called “Movies In My Head” (with vocals by Yo La Tengo’s Georgia Hubley!). And there were many more I won’t list here. I decided to go with a song I like a lot, but you might have not heard before. Kramer is a man of many talents (no, he wasn’t on Seinfeld). He ran a great independent record label, Shimmy Disc. He produced albums for bands like Galaxie 500. He was one-half of Bongwater, with actress Ann Magnuson. He also put out a few solo records. My wife actually had this CD, which I borrowed when we started dating. I hadn’t heard any of his music before. I think this is just a really nice pop song. I really love how the harmonica kicks in at the end.

Nighttime – Big Star
It’s an unwritten law of the music hipster. You must own a copy of Big Star’s Third/Sister Lovers. It’s a really strange, haunting album. This is one of the best tracks off the record, beautiful and melancholy. An FYI: if I was assigned the letter ‘J’, I would most likely have included the song “Jesus Christ”, also off this same album.


Oblivious – Galaxie 500
One of my all-time favorite Galaxie 500 songs, off their first album, Today. A really pretty song, with some nice slightly sad, defeatist lyrics.

And now you’re right all the time
And I’m just oblivious
I’d rather stay in bed with you
Till it’s time to get a drink

gmmp

Presenting the ABC Mix!

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Volume 9 of the Green Monkey Music Project has been completed, and is available for download!

If the participants of this mix want to discuss their own selections, please feel free to do so! I’ll put a pointer on this post if you end up posting about it on your own blog (or you could always just add comments here, I suppose).

==========================
ABC!
==========================

Rules and Theme Details

The Participants Discuss Their Selections:
J.D.!
Barbara!
Splotchy!
Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein!
Tim!
Beth!

The Songs:

Get the mix in chunks!

Zipfile of Songs 01-05 (All of J.D.’s songs)
Zipfile of Songs 06-10 (All of Barbara’s songs)
Zipfile of Songs 11-15 (All of Splotchy’s songs)
Zipfile of Songs 16-20 (All of Dr Monkey Von Monkerstein’s songs)
Zipfile of Songs 21-25 (All of Tim’s songs)
Zipfile of Songs 26-30 (All of Beth’s songs)

No thanks, I’ll just pick at the songs!

01 – Amazing Grace – Hayley Westenra [j.d.]
02 – Beep – The Pussycat Dolls feat. Will.I.Am [j.d.]
03 – Cloud Nine – Evanescence [j.d.]
04 – Disenchanted – My Chemical Romance [j.d.]
05 – Everything – Fefe Dobson [j.d.]
06 – Fee Fie – The Hidden Cameras [barbara]
07 – Go to Sleep – Radiohead [barbara]
08 – Hyper-ballad – Bjork [barbara]
09 – I Fought in a War – Belle and Sebastian [barbara]
10 – Just One More – John-Rae and the River [barbara]
11 – King’s Lead Hat – Brian Eno [splotchy]
12 – Love Action (I Believe In Love) – Human League [splotchy]
13 – Midnight – Kramer [splotchy]
14 – Nighttime – Big Star [splotchy]
15 – Oblivious – Galaxie 500 [splotchy]
16 – Passionate Fight – Ute Lemper [drmvm]
17 – Quit Hollerin’ At Me – John Prine [drmvm]
18 – Respectable – The Rolling Stones [drmvm]
19 – Senior Service – Elvis Costello and the Attractions [drmvm]
20 – The Rose of England – Nick Lowe [drmvm]
21 – Up North Kids – Papa M [timdrussell]
22 – Velouria – Pixies [timdrussell]
23 – War – Tones on Tail [timdrussell]
24 – X-Flies – Mouse on Mars [timdrussell]
25 – Young Man Blues – The Who [timdrussell]
26 – Zither – R.E.M. [beth]
27 – Zurna Preserve – Brooklyn Funk Essential [beth]
28 – Zap – Guided by Voices [beth]
29 – Zazueira – Stan Getz feat. Astrud Gilberto [beth]
30 – Zebra Trucks – Young Marble Giants [beth]

It is my great honor to award a Green Monkey Master Badge to Beth!

This is her third time participating in GMMP, which makes her a bona fide Green Monkey Master!

Congratulations, Beth!

scanners

Cody and Cary

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As of late, Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein has been scanning things like a bat out of hell (a little known fact: bats out of hell are prolific image-scanners). Having been inspired by the good doctor, as well as recently purchasing a nifty all-in-one printer/fax/scanner, I have tentative plans to assemble a few choice items at Casa De Splotchy for your viewing pleasure.

So, here is the first item in my small to-be-scanned collection — the cover to the 1994 paperback edition of Keith Hale’s Cody, a piece of juvenile fiction dealing with gay issues, which I picked up several years ago at the wonderful Brown Elephant thrift store.

I would normally comb the shelves of the Brown Elephant for cheap sci-fi and mid-80’s Spy Magazines, but when I saw the cover of Cody, I had to pick it up.

This particular cover is apparently only on the 1994 edition. If Cary Elwes did not receive a quarter every time this book was sold, I think he has grounds for a lawsuit.