Hi!
Are we already at the last assignment? Yes? Wow, my inflated sense of power and self-worth are already diminishing. Before these feelings completely leave my body, I will leave the following tasks for you. These are not required to be completed by today, but if it could happen over the next couple weeks, it would be appreciated.
Thanks.
SPLOTCHY SAYS:
Dr. Zaius, you will use your mad photoshopping skills to make me a “Call Me Splotchy” version of the pulp paperback copy you created (based on the Sleestak original). After it has been completed I will gladly contribute my own pulp story.
Bubs, you will have your picture taken in Vegas in your Elvis getup, either in a karate pose, or giving a karate kick.
Cowboy The Cat, you will find a public place in Carbondale on which you write “Splotchy Is Nifty”. It doesn’t have to be big, visible to the casual observer, and it doesn’t have to be there forever, etc. Extra points if you take a pic of it.
Tim, you will lend me your copy of Sonic Youth’s Rather Ripped.
SamuraiFrog, you will write a limerick that rhymes Carla Gugino and neutrino. An acceptable alternative to this is simply posting pictures of Carla Gugino and neutrinos (in the same post, obviously).
To the NYC bloggers meeting tonight (including FranIAm and Distributorcap): at some point during the festivities you will toast me, Splotchy!
The Idea Of Progress – you will dedicate next year’s The Idea Of Progress Day to me, Splotchy.
Tenacious S – you will add me to your blogroll! I was there before, and I will be there again!
Grant Miller – For one day, you will change your avatar to a picture of you in a Hawaiian shirt.
Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein – You will let me hold the Crunky.
Jin – you’re wearing my doodle. What more could I ask for?
Anandamide – You will wrap up your contest. The suspense is killing me!
The Drunken Severed Head – Three letters – DPK.
Jess – You’ll make one more taint post, for old time’s sake.
Dguzman – You will dedicate a small piece of the sidebar on your blog, where you will keep a picture of a fluffy cloud. This will potentially keep the winter blahs away for both you and your readers (well, me definitely).
To those not specifically given a task to complete, please add a comment to this post to indicate the largest mammal you believe Splotchy could physically subdue, using only his bare hands. People who have been given tasks are also welcome to comment on this as well.
Thanks to everyone who made this nonexistent holiday existent!
A grizzly bear. I’m assuming you are a first-degree master of hypnosis.
I didn’t get an assignment and I didn’t get invited to the blogger meeting.
Does anyone have the name of a good therapist?
Someday I’ll blog about this, but for now a preview:
Once I was at my local hangout bar and the owners would not sponsor a touch football team. Drunk, I said “I’ll sponsor your team, as long as you name it ‘What Jess wants Jess gets’.” The team said Okay. so I sponsored them.
I went to one game and got a huge thrill out of hearing their moms and wives and girlfriends yell “Go Jessies go!!!”
Largest animal? I think you could take down a rabid kangaroo, a gang of biker squirrels, an anorexic hippo, and a three legged rhino. Hell son, that kinda thing needs to be on Pay-Per-View.
I understand why I didn’t get an assignment. The iSplotchy story was enough.
Doc
A walrus.
But, pretty much iSPlotchy could bludgeon most any large mammal. The question is why he would want to. Hopefully, not to bring down an ape and a monkey. Beware!
randal g, I have a yellow belt. Does that translate to a first degree master?
beckeye, dammit, there are isolated NYC blogger enclaves that must start talking to each other. Otherwise, this planet is doomed. DOOMED I tell you!
jess, that sounds like it was worth every penny.
doc, indeed, the story you wrote was a testament to the iSplotchy. If I could somehow leave my body so I wouldn’t have to suffer the gnawing of mean squirrels, I’d happily watch the fight on pay-per-view as well.
freida b, I prefer to fight monkeys and apes with the they poo they fling at me. But if I have to use my fists, I use my fists.
Geez, I’m chopped liver.
Well, if it is any consolation Splotchy, while virtually attending the NY Bash (over Skype), I toasted to your very good health.
And I did it with a real Bombay Saphire Gibson.
Regards,
Tengrain
Bar chyc zrzr pbzvat hc! Tvir zr n yvggyr gvzr, gubhtu. Vg vf uneq gb svaq n gerapupbng gung vf funcrq yvxr n yhzc bs przrag.
splotch — you were the target of many toasts!
(see my avatar)
😎
a good time had by all…….
I’m trying to think of a Carbondale landmark that will appease your need for public exaltation. I think I have one.
I’m a lazy linker. I’ll think about it. No offense intended. I’m just really, really lazy.
Hey- I brought my damn iSplotchy over the river and into the borough of Brooklyn.
When Morse met us downstairs he was astounded as the size and the fury of this device. I think you may soon have another customer.
I’m not sure if I should be insulted or relieved that I don’t have an assignment….
A little late, but I’m on it, sir!
tengrain, thanks for the toast. I’m sorry I didn’t have an assignment for you. I will work up an elaborate one for next year.
dc, thanks for the toast, both at the party and in your avatar.
dr z, gunaxf n ybg.
CTC, I look forward to seeing what you come up with!
sharon, I’m happy that you at least managed to briefly overcome your laziness to comment on this post and say you were possibly too lazy to add me.
mr yen, I certainly hope it was relief you felt. I really would not like it if you felt insulted. No slight was intended at all. You are the bee’s knees to me.
d, wonderful!