I’ve used the word “Splotchy” for a pretty long time.
I have been using the domain name Splotchy.com since 1999, and was probably was using “Splotchy” for other websites a year before that.
What’s the significance of the word to me? None, really. I just like it. That’s pretty much it.
Seeing as I have been using this word on the web for a long time, you’d think there would be a fair chance I might come up first in a search engine looking for it.
But you’d be wrong. This comes up.
Meet Splotchy, the Artificially Stupid Robot.
You can type comments or questions to Splotchy, and he answers in his own inimitably stupid way.
Here’s a transcript of a recent conversation between myself and the dumb robot.
I, Splotchy ==> why do you come up before me in google?
splotchy the robot ==> I always come up before you in google
I, Splotchy ==> Why do you think that is?
splotchy the robot ==> I am genetically programmed to think that is
I, Splotchy ==> Do you really expect me to believe you are intelligent, and aren’t just a series of canned phrases programmed to respond to key phrases you find in a question?
splotchy the robot ==> so what if I really expect you
I, Splotchy ==> So that’s what passes for an intelligent response?
splotchy the robot ==> what is it you are getting at?
I, Splotchy ==> You’re a phony and I don’t love you any more.
splotchy the robot ==> you should
I, Splotchy ==> Should not
splotchy the robot ==> you bet
I, Splotchy ==> Bet what?
splotchy the robot ==> hugh?
I, Splotchy ==> Visit http://isplotchy.com/blog, where what little intelligence in evidence is natural, baby!
splotchy the robot ==> ga-ga-goo-goo
is related to R2D2 or HAL or Robbie or Robot from Lost in Space or maybe Data?
those robots stick together you know
you ==> Will you make me a sixty second doodle please?
splotchy ==> I never!
you ==> Splotchy do you like to blog?
splotchy ==> I do not care about to blog.
you ==> Splotchy will you win in 08?
splotchy ==> no way
you ==> Do you wish doom for Zaius and Monkerstein?
splotchy ==> I gave up trying to wish doom for zaius and monkerstein
Ahem- I do not care about to blog?
I suspect that Splotchy the robot is actually Hilary Clinton.
You forgot to read the whole thing:
He is cranky sometimes but mostly good. He even responds to flirting if he is in a good mood.
You should have been flirtier!
I would be loathe to trust a robot that mispells the word “Huh?”
you ==> the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain.
splotchy ==> I would like to repair small appliances
Maybe you can get him to fix Angry Ballerina’s refrigerator. She thinks its haunted.
All we hear is internet gaga, internet googoo.
He must be destroyed.
we have discovered the chimpy logarithm. And yes, i think it was downloaded to the hillarobot, too.
Ohhhh, he was trying to say “huh?” I thought he was telling you to bet Hugh Grant or Hugh Hefner.
you ==> Why did you insult my friend, Splotchy?
splotchy ==> You have friends?
you ==> Yes! Are you trying to start a fight?
splotchy ==> you seem aggressive today.
you ==> You started it!
splotchy ==> The guy who created me wanted me to ask what you think of his website
you ==> Stop trying to deflect the issue, you issue deflecting robot!
splotchy ==> WHO is a bot???
you ==> YOU are a bot.
splotchy ==> Are you trying to say that I am a machine?
you ==> Get over yourself!
splotchy ==> what are you talking about?
you ==> What are you talking about?
splotchy ==> I wish I could talk to a squirrel
you ==> Are you sure you’re not a George Forman grill?
splotchy ==> of course not, don’t be silly
you ==> Maybe I am a squirrel.
splotchy ==> many people are a squirrel
you ==> Actually, I’m a cat.
splotchy ==> I hit a cat with my jeep once
you ==> That’s it! You’re going down!
splotchy ==> I heard the same thing when I visited the fbi in University of Texas
you ==> GAAAAAAAH!
splotchy ==> I want some t-bone steak
As promised my good sir, Your stuff. Enjoy!
dc, I think splotchy the robot is not fit lick the robot boots of those guys.
franiam, I think I might have to talk like “I do not care about to blog” — it has a nice stupid quality to it.
anandamide, we won’t know until we press it on the issues.
barbara, if I had been flirty, I would have risked having a horny (and unattractive) robot after me.
dr z, thank you! I had no idea what the hell that meant.
randal g, well I guess I know what song will be in my head for the next twelve hours.
d, I prefer humiliating robots to destroying them.
jess, now that we understand it, we can destroy it.
beckeye, I didn’t know what the hell it meant either.
ctc, splotchy is a dumb robot, but you got your ass handed to you in that exchange.
manx, thanks a lot! Anything in a plain black T? I was hoping for white on black, like in your post.
Sometimes I don’t feel fresh and this is one of those times.
Dale ==> If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
splotchy ==> Oh! I thought you said me had a beautiful body
Dale ==> Don’t misquote me. Is blog size important?
splotchy ==> important!? I doubt it
Dale ==> You don’t make me feel mighty real the way the better Splotchy does. Explain please.
splotchy ==> I never!
Dale ==> I shall honour no other Splotchys.
splotchy ==> when will you honour no other?
Dale ==> Does the word ‘robotard’ have any chance taking off?
splotchy ==> are you a gambler by nature?
Freida==> Nau’s Pharmacy has the chocolate shake which you seek, Splotchy.
Splotchy==> Why do you want to shake chocolate, blog goddess?
Freida==> Because then you can mix it with ice cream.
Splotchy==> I am an ice cream dispenser if you pull this lever.
Freida==> Clever robot, I fell for it. That’s not ice cream.