Hey, it’s LaGrange time!

What were my choices?

What Happens In Vegas – Y’know, I’m sure I’m as starstruck as many of my non-celebrity brothers and sisters out there. That being said, if Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz came to my house and offered to put on this show in person in my backyard, I’d be hiding out in the bathroom until they left. They would leave, wouldn’t they?

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian – I didn’t like the original Narnia movie when I watched it on a washed-out bootleg DVD a couple years ago. Also, I am prejudiced against talking lions.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall – STILL NO!

Iron Man – Okay!

So, I was feeling a little Paranoid. I felt the Hand of Doom upon me, the War Pigs were on TV, and the night was buzzing like an Electric Funeral. I was wearing sneakers, as everyone knows Fairies Wear Boots.

Agh! Out, Black Sabbath’s second album track listing! Trouble this review no more!

Let me start off by saying Iron Man’s director Jon Favreau annoys the bejeebus out of me. I haven’t seen any of his other movies, but I have seen far too much of Dinner For Five, his questionable series on IFC. I was going to try and find a choice clip on the YouTube of Dinner For Five to assist me in conveying the essence of this show that rubs (actually, scrapes) me the wrong way. But by searching for a clip I was watching Dinner For Five. My eyes burned. They burned! In short, no clip for you.

I don’t like Dinner For Five, and I don’t need to justify my strong dislike of Dinner For Five to you chuckleheads. Okay, just a little. Dinner For Five is a horrible Hollywood circle jerk (usually taking place, appropriately enough, at a round table) full of pontifications and fuckhead cigar smoking. There are lots of people who have appeared on this show that I respect and/or admire. These people are not the problem, although they may have made the questionable decision to appear on the show. The show is the problem. And Jon Favreau is at Ground Zero of the show. He calls movies “pictures”. He smirks. He smokes cigars. He calls movies “pictures” while smoking cigars and smirking. I DON’T CARE IF I AM COMING ACROSS AS UNREASONABLY HATEFUL TOWARDS JON FAVREAU. Fuck that guy (but in a nice, back-handed Hollywood kinda way)!

In Favreau’s defense, a friend of mine saw an interview with John Frankenheimer from a couple years ago where Mr. Frankenheimer talked in a very similar manner to Favreau. So, perhaps it’s not Favreau himself that I find issue with, but some sort of shitfuck Hollywood filmmaker archetype that grates on me.

Deep breath.

Okay. Iron Man. It wasn’t a badly-made movie, so kudos to Mr. Favreau for that.

I got into the theatre early and saw the Hi – I’m – Samuel – Jackson – and – we’re – going – to – be – coming – out – with – an – Avengers – movie – in – 2011 little teaser at the end of the earlier showing of the movie, so I didn’t need to wade through fifteen minutes of end credits to see it again. I did stick around for the end of the film for the little bit of Black Sabbath, but from what I could discern there was no Ozzy singing! It was just the “I AM IRON MAN” thing followed by the instrumental end of the song. What a gyp.

I did not like this movie. Bob Downey was fine in the lead (I call him “Bob” when I do impressions of Favreau speaking about making the Iron Man “picture” — yes, Favreau annoys me enough that I mock him by doing ongoing impressions of him with a buddy of mine). I do love me some Jeff Bridges, though he had the unfortunate burden of playing a likable character that illogically morphs quickly into a Snidely Whiplash kinda guy. Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow, Terrence Howard and Stan Lee were all in this movie. Do you want me to list the stuntmen, too?

I dunno about the movie. It’s just, man this movie was so militaristic. That shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, I guess, given the trailer with Iron Man shooting rockets, etc. But still, the whole movie felt like weapons porn. The only solution to violence is making something that is more efficiently violent. The bodycount surprised me. The destruction surprised me. Some of the antagonists were centered in Afghanistan. Hey, don’t *we* have ongoing military operations in Afghanistan? I don’t know, the whole movie felt kind of shitty. I didn’t like it.

I never really liked Iron Man in the comics, but I had nevertheless wanted to see the film. I was into the Marvel comics as a boy, and definitely had a fair amount of Iron Man issues that I had read. The villains were often boring, and an indirect expression of American xenophobia or paranoia. There was the Mandarin (China), and Titanium Man and the Crimson Dynamo (Russkies!). The only Iron Man issue I remember wholeheartedly liking was when he went back in time somehow with Doctor Doom. Do I need to remind you of the huge pile of shit Doctor Doom was turned into in a previous Marvel comics film adaptation? I certainly I hope I don’t.

What is Tony Stark? Tony Stark is Bruce Wayne without the craziness. What is Iron Man? Iron Man is Batman without the theatrics.

What is The Dark Knight? The Dark Knight is the summer movie that will shove a rocket down Iron Man’s tin pantalones. ka-BOOM!