Hi-di-ho.

This is a post about me. I’m trying to make myself feel better. I don’t really like talking about personal stuff too much, but since I am thinking of little else besides what’s on my mind, I figure I would unload on anyone reading this.

I can be a pretty anxious fellow. I don’t handle stress that well. I guess I have struggled with anxiety all my life.

I’m doing something about it now. I am taking some anti-anxiety medication. I’m seeing someone to talk about it.

My problems are not earthshaking problems. I mean, they’re huge in my mind, in my emotional mind, at least. But they’re not that big, intellectually speaking. There is rain forecasted for Saturday and Sunday this weekend. That’s what got me all worked up now — that’s what has my anxious mind firing on all cylinders.

We have had seepage in our basement several times in the last few months, most recently last Thursday. That fucking basement is the definition of anxiety and stress and terror for me. I know, I know, compared to most any other problems, it’s not that much. We have living space down there, so that’s one thing. If we didn’t have living space there, *maybe* I wouldn’t be so freaked out about it (but I doubt it).

The last two days I have been obsessively checking Weather.com, Accuweather.com, Wunderground.com, ocdweatherwatchers.org (okay, not that one), etc. I’m constantly checking for updates on the weather situation. I guess I’m doing it in hope that the situation will mellow out, that the predicted amount of rainfall will decrease. If that happens, I feel a little better. If the forecast changes to be for heavier rain, I get more upset. If the forecast does not change at all, I keep on going back until it changes. Holy shit it’s a fucking awful cycle I get myself into.

Oh shit, I’m a fucking prisoner to my anxiety. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

BUT….

We are doing something about it. On May 11 we are having the perimeter of our basement dug up to lay down drain tiles, and we will have a sump pump put in.

Yesterday I bought some bigass rain boots, so next time we *do* get seepage (hopefully not this weekend), I won’t be traipsing through the standing water in my sneakers.

And, like I said, I’m trying to deal with my (sometimes) crippling anxiety.

What about it is so goddamn terrifying for me about the seepage? I don’t know — I have this idea of having a personal space, which unfortunately includes the fucking basement. When water comes through, I feel like my personal space is being violated. I feel like I am losing control, which is a feeling I really can’t stand. I can get all funky when I get sick, because of the same feelings of loss-of-control.

The anticipation of the seepage is in some ways worse than dealing with it. Oh, don’t get me wrong, dealing with it can be pretty fucking awful, too. I have had a couple meltdowns during the seepage situation when the rain just WOULD. NOT. STOP. FALLING. I didn’t scream at the sky, but I certainly thought about it.

The way we did it last time was MizSplotchy was handling the seepage in the basement, while I was outside trying to get some standing water away from the house. A lot of rain fell in a short period of time last Thursday, so there was a lot of standing water. I felt a *lot* better being outside getting water away from the house, rather than working downstairs. It was kind of that whole personal space thing again. By dealing with the water outside, I was defending our personal space, as opposed to coping with my space being violated. Weird, maybe, but true.

We have a couple pumps that we can use, with attachments for garden hoses. MizSplotchy just picked up another 100 foot hose, as well as some hose wranglers. I think tonight I will probably get everything set up for the possibility of seepage. I might go to Home Depot later today to try and get some cement to seal any cracks I can find in our sidewalk. I AM SERIOUS ABOUT NOT WANTING RAIN IN MY HOUSE NOW. I AM VERY SERIOUS.

I have bothered my family with my anxiety regarding this weekend’s rain. And now I am bugging you.

Sorry, phew, but it helps me to write it out. I’m looking forward to the sump pump — if it truly does fix our basement problem, I can find some other stupid shit to get worked up about.

LOVE,

SPLOTCHY