Hi, celebrities. Hey, how’s life? Well, if you’re not Twittering, we have no idea how life is for you.
What’s that? You say you would like to tell us how your life is, but you’re afraid to?
- Are you ashamed of your atrocious grammar and/or spelling?
- Are you afraid you’ll accidentally tell everyone you compulsively urinate behind laundromats?
- Are you simply not interesting?
Well, I am offering my services to you. I will Ghost-Tweet your life.
I have knocked out over 1,000 updates at isplotchy, my main Twitter account.
Here are a few choice Tweets, to give you some idea of the quality of my Tweeting skills.
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I had a free Danish, and I am wearing ankle socks. Also, pants and two shirts. I’m chewing gum.
FUCK THIS SHIT I’M GOING TO PANERA
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I have even recently created a new, exciting Twitter game Name That Face! which has over TWENTY participants!
To begin Ghost-Tweeting for you, all that I need is:
A) Your name
B) Why you are a celebrity (in case I’m not sure who you are)
C) What kind of Tweets you would like me to do on your behalf
All the above are important, but it is crucial that you tell me about your Tweet preferences, because it gives the Ghost-Tweeter (me) insight into the flavor/essence you want to see your Twitter feed imbued with.
Do you want me to promote current and future projects?
Do you want me to go on and on about your stupid fucking dog?
Do you want me to simply retweet the barely coherent ramblings of other celebrities?
Well, I can do all those things and MORE.
Please drop me a line at i PERIOD splotchy AT gmail PERIOD com if you are interested.
Thanks, and God Bless.
Splotchy
I hardly ever see period written out when it is not referring to a lady’s cycle. That alone would sell me on your ghost tweeting deal.
But I’m no celebrity. Dang.
I am going to start introducing you at parties as “Splotchy, new media giant.”
Or maybe “new media juggernaut”
I suck at “Name That Face”. All I know is Johnny Depp.
The Ambiguous Blob, maybe this will inspire you to shoot for stardom.
Bubs, how about “new media giant juggernaut”. If you can work “fuckin’ awesome” in there somewhere, that would be great.
domboy, for you, tomorrow will be ALL JOHNNY DEPP.
Once your vast media empire engulfs that of dear old Rupert, who’s going to ghost-tweet you?
Once your vast media empire engulfs that of dear old Rupert, who’s going to ghost-tweet you?
Who’s to say someone isn’t already?
[cue scary music]
What a great humanitarian you are, providing this valuable service.