the continuing saga of …
THE BEAST OF BERWYN
“No, I really am okay. I have a tight deadline. I still don’t know if my squirrel saliva post successfully made it to my blog. Can’t we just do this in the morning?”
Bubs’ impossibly wide clown grin gets even wider.
“We can do this the nice way, or we can do this the not-so-nice way. It’s your choice.”
Do you…
the continuing saga of …
THE BEAST OF BERWYN
You see a bag of nuts, half-opened, partially covered by your svelte blogger thigh.
You daintily pull out a single nut, putting the bag containing the remaining nuts into your pants pocket. Enos looks at you with reptilian calm. He slowly opens his large, tooth-filled mouth.
You quickly toss the nut into his gaping maw as it snaps shut. CRACK!
Enos blinks a few times, then begins wheezing. He starts clawing at the upholstery.
Bubs turns his head around, “What the hell is going on back there?”
Enos’ clawing gets more violent. He rips your argyle sweater to shreds as he tries to scale the inside of the squad car.
“ACK! ACK! ACK!”
Enos falls back into your lap, looking up into your eyes with a puzzled expression. The wheezing gradually trails away as he dies.
Bubs cries, “Aw, man, the cap’n is gonna be so pissed!”
The car reaches the station. Bubs quickly gets out, and yanks open your door. “Help me carry him.”
The two of you carry Enos to a nearby drainage ditch and drop him into some shallow, brackish water. Bubs pauses for a moment. “Semper Fi,” he whispers. “Let’s go,” he says to you.
Minutes later, at the police station…
Crazy Lady is still unconscious, now in a holding cell.
Bubs sits at a desk, his clown eyes closely watching yours.
“So, what’s the deal with Crazy Lady? She with you?”
Do you say…
the continuing saga of …
THE BEAST OF BERWYN
“Let’s go!” Bubs shouts.
“Time for some mobile blogging!” you yell.
Bubs guns the squad car down the street.
“Take Maple Street!” you shout to Bubs.
“Why?” asks Bubs. “That’s out of the way!”
“They have good Wi-Fi there!” You open your laptop.
“The squirrel spit post made it!” you exclaim. “Now for a quick post to whet my readers’ appetites.”
Bubs yells, “You better hurry! We’re almost out of road!”
You strain your mind for an appropriate topic. Ah-ha!
You direct your browser to take an online quiz — ‘What Kind Of Action Hero Are You?’ You fill out three fields, hit Submit. An image slowly loads, indicating…
‘YOU ARE JAMES BOND’
You smile to yourself. A quick copy-paste-submit and the rest of the world knows you are James Bond, too.
Bubs slows down the squad car. The last bits of daylight recede into the horizon as you pull up to the water treatment plant.
“What now, Arny?”, Bubs asks.
You close the laptop, a stone cold gaze on your face.
Do you…
the continuing saga of …
THE BEAST OF BERWYN
Your thoughts immediately turn to the blog post of the preceding night. You fumble in your pocket for the bag of Enos the Alligator’s peanuts, paralysis almost completely overtaking your body. With every ounce of effort you empty the nuts into your open mouth.
“Another clown poleeeeessssssssssssssssssssman?” Bill hisses. “I told you to come alone, Crankowissssssss!”
In the corner of your eye you a spot a squirrel prancing just a few feet from you. Its nose twitches and it hops a little closer.
“I hope you can sssssssssssswim without the use of your armssssss and legssssssss! Ha ha ha!”
The squirrel jumps on your face and begins eating the nuts out of your mouth. A small rivulet of spit drops from the squirrel’s lips onto your tongue. You feel the paralysis fade slightly as the saliva starts reacting with the jellyfish neurotoxin.
“Jussssssssst what do you think you are doing? I read your posssssssssst, Crankowissssss! Ssssssquirrel sssssspit won’t ssssssssave you!”
Suddenly, Bubs jumps up, a bottle of seltzer water gripped tightly in his hand.
“Take this, you tentacled, weenie-waver freak!” He turns the nozzle on the bottle and sprays Bill with a full, dead-on blast.
“AAAAgggghh! Carbonation! Horrible, horrible carbonation!”
Do you…