Category Archives: career retrospectives

adopt-an-actor, career retrospectives, david patrick kelly, holidays

Happy Adopt-An-Actor Day!

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My attention has been diverted a little lately, but not enough to ignore the new holiday I created.

For those who have already adopted an actor, please dedicate a post today to them. It can be a videoclip, description of a favorite performance, maybe just a picture. It’s up to you to decide.

And for you thespian empty-nesters out there, please consider adopting an actor. All that is required is announcing your intent to adopt on your blog, and letting me know about it. You may want to check the adoption roster to make sure your actor has not already been adopted.

Who is my adopted actor, you ask?

Why it’s none other than the wonderful David Patrick Kelly.

I’ll use my Adopt-An-Actor Day post to run down his career in films and television.

When I started the Adopt-An-Actor program, I said that I didn’t expect an adoptive parent to see every single thing their adoptee had been in. You’ll see that I haven’t seen a lot of DPK’s work, but my support and affection for him is nevertheless genuine and unwavering.

The Warriors (1979)
Ooh, mama. What an awesome performance. He was the best part of the movie, by far.

Sanctuary of Fear (1979) (TV) (uncredited)
Didn’t see it.

American Playhouse – Working (1982) (TV)
Didn’t see it. Apparently, a musical adaptation of the Studs Terkel book. Sounds interesting.

Hammett (1982)
Didn’t see it.

48 Hrs. (1982)
He was great as Luther. He was so angry and abusive towards Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte, but then in his final scenes you see he’s very distraught about his girlfriend being taken hostage. He didn’t have a lot of screentime, but he came across with a strong character.

Dreamscape (1984)
I haven’t seen this movie in a long time. My guess is that it hasn’t aged well, but I loved it when it was playing non-stop on pay TV. DPK was scary and cool. He had some creaky dialogue that he had to deliver, but in his hands it sounded good. He had a nice moment giving a little monologue on a dream subway, swinging nunchucks, ending with “In this world, Alex, you’re nothing. And me, I’m God.” Just as in 48 Hours, what starts as an aggressive, unsympathetic character becomes a little tragic near the end.

Tales from the Darkside (1984) (TV)
I saw at least part of this, though my memory of it has faded. DPK is the star of the episode, and I think he plays a man who slowly loses his identity, and winks out of existence at the end. I guess it’s appropriate I can’t remember it.

Miami Vice (1985) (TV)
Didn’t watch this show.

Commando (1985)
Oh, Sully. Yet another great performance. There was really no redeeming traits in this character. It’s hard to be poignant when you’re hanging upside-down, held by the pantleg by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Moonlighting (1985) (TV)
I sort of remember seeing this. I believe that the episode DPK was in sort-of went crazy at the end, where they sort of broke down the fourth wall and we saw Moonlighting behind-the-scenes, or some such thing. I recall DPK being the heavy, and Whoopi Goldberg was in it too. I think the final shot of DPK and Whoopi had them smiling as they were walking out, then it abruptly changed to a scowl. Why am I bothering you with this? Sorry.

Our Family Honor (1985) (TV)
Didn’t see it.

The Misfit Brigade (1987)
Didn’t see it.

Spenser: For Hire (1987) (TV)
Never watched this show.

ABC Afterschool Specials – Date Rape (1988) (TV)
Didn’t see it. Yikes.

Cheap Shots (1989)
Nope, didn’t see.

CBS Summer Playhouse – B Men (1989) (TV)
Nope.

Penn & Teller Get Killed (1989)
This was a really weird movie. It was sort of a narrative, but they kept on yanking you out of the story. It was kind of sloppy, intentionally so, I think. I had thought there was some commentary on DPK’s role in The Crow. At the time I had seen this, I thought Brandon Lee had died by a blank fired by DPK’s gun, which I learned later to not be the case.

Wild at Heart (1990)
I saw this, but I can’t remember him in it. All I can see in my head is the grinning menace of Willem Dafoe’s Bobby Peru.

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)
Andrew Dice Clay kept me away.

Twin Peaks (1990-1991) (TV)
I saw a couple episodes, but I don’t think DPK was on it yet. I don’t remember him from it, at any rate.

A Marriage: Georgia O’Keeffe and Alfred Stieglitz (1991) (TV)
Didn’t see.

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992) (scenes deleted)
Didn’t see.

Malcolm X (1992)
I saw it, but I don’t remember DPK from it.

Exterior Night (1993)
Nope.

Ghostwriter (1992-1993) (TV)
Nope.

The Crow (1994)
I saw it, but don’t remember it very well. I don’t recall DPK having an awful lot of screentime. I was bummed out about the Brandon Lee accident.

Crooklyn (1994)
I didn’t like this movie too much. There was a stylistic thing Spike Lee did in the middle of the movie that didn’t really work for me, and it was kind of obnoxious. I remember DPK from it, one particular shot of him playing an organ and wearing very thick glasses.

Cafe Society (1995)
Didn’t see it.

Heavy (1995)
Didn’t see it.

Flirting with Disaster (1996)
He was one of the best parts of this movie. I was very happy to see him in a movie again.

The Funeral (1996)
An Abel Ferrara movie I haven’t seen. I have heard it’s good, just haven’t seen it.

Last Man Standing (1996)
Another Walter Hill movie for DPK! (The Warriors and 48 Hrs. were the previous two). Didn’t see this, mostly because I was sick of Bruce Willis.

Trojan War (1997)
Nope.

Twelfth Night, or What You Will (1998) (TV)
Didn’t see.

Mad About You (1998) (TV)
Saw this a few times, but didn’t see his episode.

In Too Deep (1999)
Didn’t see.

Songcatcher (2000)
Didn’t see.

K-PAX (2001)
Kevin Spacey kept me away from this one.

Personal Velocity: Three Portraits (2002)
Didn’t see.

Hack (2002) (TV)
Didn’t see.

Justice (2003)
Didn’t see.

Third Watch (2005) (TV)
Never watched this.

The Longest Yard (2005)
Didn’t see it. Adam Sandler kept me away.

Flags of Our Fathers (2006)
I like a lot of Clint Eastwood films, I just didn’t see this one. DPK plays Harry S. Truman.

Babylon Fields (2007) (TV)
Didn’t see.

Kidnapped (2007) (TV)
Didn’t see.

Gardener of Eden (2007)
Didn’t see.

Law & Order (2008) (TV)
Didn’t see.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent (2008)
(TV)
I actually was flipping channels and caught some of this. It made me smile.

career retrospectives, two buck schmuck

Six Degrees Of Blah Blah Blah

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For today’s career retrospective, let’s focus on an actor who has a stupid game named after him.

Together, let’s relive the glorious career of Kevin Bacon.

Animal House (1978)
Lots of funny moments in this movie. It’s all downhill from here for Mr. Bacon, unfortunately. Oh, and if you’re the kind of person who repeatedly quotes his dialogue from this movie (e.g. “All is well!”), you’re a douche who probably quotes Caddyshack way too much too. STOP IT!

Starting Over (1979)
This is that Burt Reynolds movie, right? With Jill Clayburgh? I don’t remember it sucking that bad, nor do I remember Kevin Bacon in it.

Hero at Large (1980)
Didn’t see it.

Friday the 13th (1980)
All the Friday the 13th movies suck, even the one they did in 3D. That being said, it was nice to see Mr. Bacon sliced down the middle as he was doing a walking handstand. Because, frankly, how many times do you really get to see that kind of thing?

Only When I Laugh (1981)
This isn’t the Kristy McNichol movie where she actually says the name of the movie in her dialogue, is it? It is?! Oh, mercy.

Diner (1982)
I saw this movie a long time ago. I don’t remember it as being entirely sucky. It must have been pretty good to counteract the presence of Steve Guttenberg. I believe Bacon’s character was good at Jeopardy, which showed how crazy smart he was.

Forty Deuce (1982)
Didn’t see this movie. [Insert your own dropping a deuce joke here]

The Demon Murder Case (1983) (TV)
Didn’t see it.

Enormous Changes at the Last Minute (1983)
I like this movie title! Didn’t see it.

Footloose (1984)
Absolutely ridiculous. If we all could solve life’s frustrations by dancing at a flour mill, what a wonderful world it would be etc. etc.

Mister Roberts (1984) (TV)
Didn’t see it, but how could a TV movie remake of an old comedy be anything other than superb?

The Little Sister (1985) (TV)
Nope, didn’t see it.

Quicksilver (1986)
If you were moved by Footloose, it won’t be much of a stretch to root for a former stockbroker bicycle messenger in a Guardian Angels beret.

White Water Summer (1987)
No idea what this is.

End of the Line (1987)
Or this.

Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)
A really sappy, awful movie — RIP, John Candy

Lemon Sky (1988) (TV)
Don’t know it, might be related to Vanilla Sky or The Chocolate War, though I doubt it.

She’s Having a Baby (1988)
Didn’t see it. I would love it if this movie title was like the English translations for some of the films of Yasujiro Ozu — how about, “She’s Having A Baby, But…”

Criminal Law (1988)
Wow, this is a bad movie.

The Big Picture (1989)
I like this movie — it’s not great, but not bad. RIP J.T. Walsh

Tremors (1990)
Saw a half hour of it. What I saw wasn’t bad.

Flatliners (1990)
Crappy, but you should already know my feelings from my Joel Schumacher retrospective.

Pyrates (1991)
Pyrates with a ‘y’? I don’t think I need to see this.

Queens Logic (1991)
Didn’t see.

He Said, She Said (1991)
I said I didn’t see it.

JFK (1991)
Loved Joe Pesci’s eyebrows!

A Few Good Men (1992)
If there’s one movie quote I could magically erase from the pop culture, it would be “You can’t handle the truth!” Oh, and this movie sucked.

New York Skyride (1994)
Huh? What the?

The Air Up There (1994)
Hmm, what was this… Kevin Bacon and basketball in an African village? Would stating it probably sucks be a fair estimation?

The River Wild (1994)
The River Stupid is more like it. Am I right, folks?!!

Murder in the First (1995)
Kevin Bacon is in prison. Good.

Apollo 13 (1995)
I didn’t see this. I’m sure it was awe-inspiring and humbling, when it wasn’t too busy sucking hard.

Sleepers (1996)
Didn’t see it. Blah blah blah.

Picture Perfect (1997)
This isn’t the movie with John Travolta and Jamie Lee Curtis, is it? Because that movie sucked, but probably not as much as this one.

Telling Lies in America (1997)
This movie was written by Joe Eszterhas, and was not seen by me.

Digging to China (1998)
Don’t know it.

Wild Things (1998)
Didn’t see it.

Stir of Echoes (1999)
My friend worked on this! I didn’t see it!

My Dog Skip (2000)
Nope. Not seen by me.

Hollow Man (2000)
Saw a little bit of it. Blah blah.

Novocaine (2001)
This was a Steve Martin movie, right? Didn’t see it.

Trapped (2002)
Nope.

Mystic River (2003)
Didn’t see it, though I understand it’s a jaunty romp.

In the Cut (2003)
Don’t know it.

The Woodsman (2004)
The Woodsman?

Cavedweller (2004) (TV)
Cavedweller?

Loverboy (2005)
Loverboy?

Beauty Shop (2005)
The Queen Latifah movie?

Where the Truth Lies (2005)
No idea about this one.

The Air I Breathe (2007)
Your guess is as good as mine.

Death Sentence (2007)
Finally, a movie I have seen! Sucked.

Rails & Ties (2007)
Nope, sorry.

career retrospectives, two buck schmuck

Finally, An Outlet For My Pent-Up Feelings Towards Joel Schumacher

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There aren’t many film directors out there that routinely provoke such a visceral reaction in me, but Joel Schumacher is one of them.

Let’s take a look back at a long, fruitful Hollywood career.

The Virginia Hill Story (1974) (TV)
Didn’t see it.

Amateur Night at the Dixie Bar and Grill (1979) (TV)
Didn’t see it.

The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981)
Lily Tomlin, right? I don’t remember it being bad, but I used to regularly watch game shows hosted by Wink Martindale around that time, so my tastes aren’t necessarily trustworthy.

D.C. Cab (1983)
This is the one with Mr. T, right? Didn’t see it.

St. Elmo’s Fire (1985)
Everything sucked except for the part when Rob Lowe was pretending to play the saxophone, which may be the funniest thing ever recorded on film.

The Lost Boys (1987)
Like a vampire, it sucked.

Cousins (1989)
This had Ted Danson, right? I’m guessing it probably sucked.

Flatliners (1990)
Sucked.

Dying Young (1991)
Didn’t see it, but am 90% sure it sucked.

Falling Down (1993)
Sucked!

The Client (1994)
I think I saw part of this. It sucked, if memory serves.

Batman Forever (1995)
This was the Val Kilmer one, I think. Oh yeah, with Jim Carrey butchering The Riddler (R.I.P. Frank Gorshin) and Tommy Lee Jones completely missing the point about Two-Face. I only saw bits and pieces of it, but it sucked worse than getting a long rod stuck into your urethra (and I speak from experience).

A Time to Kill (1996)
Didn’t see it, but it has Sandra Bullock in it, hence it sucks.

Batman & Robin (1997)
This was the George Clooney one, I believe. It sucked more than having a hot wire stuck into your urethra, but in this case, I can’t speak from experience.

8MM (1999)
Disgusting, misanthropic twaddle. And it sucked.

Flawless (1999)
I didn’t see this. It stars Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robert DeNiro. If any movie made by Joel Schumacher didn’t suck, this might be the one. But I doubt it. It probably sucks.

Tigerland (2000)
Didn’t see it. Don’t know anything about it. It probably sucks.

Bad Company (2002)
Wow, I forgot about this one. I caught ten minutes of it on cable. Boy, did it suck.

Phone Booth (2002)
An intriguing premise run through a suckifier.

Veronica Guerin (2003)
Didn’t see it.

The Phantom of the Opera (2004)
Didn’t see it. I’d wager a fiver it sucked hard.

The Number 23 (2007)
Saw the trailer. It sucked.

career retrospectives, movies, two buck schmuck

Al Pacino, Master Thespian

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You’ve been an actor all your life, devoting yourself to your craft.

If you’re lucky, you are revered for your works and accomplishments.

If you’re unlucky, some snarky blogger with no business critiquing others will copy and paste your IMDB page and insult your career.

Congratulations, Al Pacino. You have been selected for a Two Buck Schmuck Career Retrospective ™!

Deadly Circle of Violence (1968) TV Episode
Didn’t see it.

“N.Y.P.D.”
Wuzzah? Sorry, didn’t see it.

Me, Natalie (1969)
Me, no see it.

Out of It (1969)
Me: Can I see this movie? Them: Sorry, we’re out of it.

The Panic in Needle Park (1971)
This is what put the Pachinko Radinko on the map. Didn’t see it.

The Godfather (1972)
Hey, I like this movie! Mr. Pacino shoots Sterling Hayden in the neck, speaks Italian and wears a bowler hat. He’s good in this.

Scarecrow (1973)
Supposedly a good character study with Pacman and Gene Hackman. Haven’t seen it.

Serpico (1973)
I like this movie. Al is good in this, too. He has quirky hippie clothes when he’s an underground cop, owns a cute sheepdog and sports a full beard.

I think they should issue plush dolls for this movie. Y’know, for the kids.

The Godfather: Part II (1974)
I haven’t seen this in ages, but I liked it when I saw it. A little known fact about the scene between Michael Corleone and Fredo — they tried different body parts before settling on “Fredo, you broke my heart!” There’s an easter egg on the 30th Anniversary DVD edition in which you can see deleted scenes where Michael says “Fredo, you broke my pancreas!” and “Fredo, you broke my uvula!”

Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
So starts the scenery chewing. I still like this movie. I like Pacino in this, and I like his interplay between him and John Casale, Chris Sarandon and Charles Durning.

Bobby Deerfield (1977)
Some crappy car racing movie, right? I haven’t had the pleasure.

“The Godfather Saga” (1977) (mini)
This doesn’t count. Next!

…And Justice for All. (1979)
Saw a little bit of it. It sucked. Pacino wasn’t much better.

Cruising (1980)
Haven’t seen it, but I’ve definitely snickered at stills from the movie a few times.

Author! Author! (1982)
Due to the miracles of pay television in the 80’s, I probably have seen this movie more than any other Pacino movie. Scary, huh? He’s actually not that bad in it. Something in its favor — Eric Gurry plays one of his kids. Eric G.’s next movie would be the Sean Penn prison movie Bad Boys, where he blows the face off of Carnivale and Highlander bad guy Clancy Brown with a homemade explosive. Was that a tangent I just wandered down?

Scarface (1983)
I dunno, overacting in a Spanish accent is very similar to overacting with a New Yawk accent, isn’t it? Still, haveta always catch the chainsaw scene when I come across this movie on TV.

Revolution (1985)
Probably a sucky movie. I saw a clip of Pacino pontificating and that was all I needed to see.

Sea of Love (1989)
Supposedly a bright star in Pacino’s 80’s repertoire. I — wait for it — haven’t seen it.

The Godfather: Part III (1990)
Terrible film. Performance not so good, and the crappy old guy makeup they put him in at the end didn’t help.

Frankie and Johnny (1991)
I actually saw it at a cheap theater. I guess he was okay, I guess. Skippable movie.

The Godfather Trilogy: 1901-1980 (1992) (V)
Didn’t I already comment on the Godfather movies?

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Pacino in a David Mamet-written film makes his acting a little less conspicuous. He was fine in this. This whole movie is a little too show-offy for the actors to my taste — particularly Kevin Spacey and Ed Harris. I liked Jack Lemmon, though.

Scent of a Woman (1992)
I paid to see this in the theater. Why? I have no idea. I think it’s like 5 hours long, and Pacino is really, really terrible as a blind a-hole. But, this film did give us the interjection “HOO-ah!”

Carlito’s Way (1993)
Crappy Brian De Palma movie. Sean Penn is worse in this than Pacino is. The whole movie is cliched, but Pacino isn’t awful in it.

Two Bits (1995)
A customer of my Dad’s movie auction wrote this. He was the guy who adapted the screenplay for Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho as well. Haven’t seen it, though Pacino does look a little silly in his old guy makeup (see Godfather III above).

Heat (1995)
This Michael Mann movie was a little long, but I liked it, mostly for the stuff with Robert DeNiro’s gang. Al Pacino is sucky in this as a gum-chewing cop. One of my favorite bad Pacino lines is in here. Pacino’s cop is talking to Hank Azaria’s character about his girlfriend. I can’t do the line justice in print, but he says, “She’s got a great Big ASSSSSSS! And you’ve got your HEAD…. all the WAY… UP IT!!!” Azaria just gives Pacino a “what the f*ck?” kinda expression after this. I read somewhere that this was a line Pacino had improvised, which would explain the genuine confused and disgusted look on Azaria’s face.

City Hall (1996)
Probably sucky? Didn’t see it.

Donnie Brasco (1997)
I saw this in the theater. I thought Pacino was understated, but not particularly good. This movie was boring.

The Devil’s Advocate (1997)
Al Pacino? As the Devil? Should we even ask him to tone it down?

The Insider (1999)
I haven’t seen it since its release, but I really liked it. I remember being really impressed with Russell Crowe’s performance. Pacino was okay, but the only thing that sticks in my head for him is “ARE YOU A BUSINESSMAN OR ARE YOU A NEWSMAN???!!”

Any Given Sunday (1999)
Al Pacino? As a pro football coach? Should we even ask him to tone it down? To be fair, I have only seen pictures of this movie, not the movie itself.

Chinese Coffee (2000)
Huh? What is this?

Insomnia (2002/I)
Saw it. Blah blah blah.

S1m0ne
Saw 5 minutes of it. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

People I Know (2002)
Didn’t see it.

The Recruit (2003)
Boring thriller. At one point, Pacino says “You have to admit, I’m a scary judge of talent.” I thought he should shorten it to, “You have to admit, I’m a scary.”

Gigli (2003)
I obeyed the hype and shunned this movie. It’s probably a diamond in the rough, no?

The Merchant of Venice (2004)
I saw a little of this. It was okay.

Two for the Money (2005)
I stayed away. Did you?