Category Archives: iSplotchy

iSplotchy, politics

Yes, the iSplotchy Can Make You Tron

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The unwarranted and slanderous attacks on the iSplotchy have increased recently.

This comes as no surprise to me, because despite its very late start in the 2008 Presidential campaign race, the iSplotchy is already pulling far ahead of both the failed iSplotchy hacker Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein, and the combined IQ of 70 that is the Zaius/Gregarious ticket.

The latest smear comes from Germaine Gregarious, who attempts fearmongering tactics to imply that being in close proximity with the iSplotchy can turn you into Tron.

Let me attempt to unravel the latest lies Ms. Gregarious has foisted on the naive public.

Falsehood #1: Proximity to the iSplotchy will turn you into Tron.
Not true! The iSplotchy has the capability of turning its owner into Tron. This does not happen without the consent of the user. It is also possible to de-Tron using the iSplotchy. In short, it’s a feature, not a side effect.

Falsehood #2: Being Tron is a bad thing.
I quote from Ms. Gregarious’ ill-informed post:
“Seriously, if [handsome man, pictured above] can be turned into a digitized tool of the Master Control Program, what hope have you got?”

Ms. Gregarious, are you even familiar with the story of Tron?

Tron, played by heartthrob Bruce Boxleitner, is the program that topples the Master Control Program (MCP)! He speaks truth to power, not for it!

Falsehood #3: Germaine Gregarious is Open Source.
Really, Ms. Gregarious? You expect us to believe that?

Why have you incorporated? What are you hiding?

***

I apologize for once again taking time from my daily work on nanoenhancements for the iSplotchy product you know and love.

However, you must understand that baseless attacks made by Ms. Gregarious and her ilk will be answered swiftly and aggressively.

iSplotchy in 2008!

iSplotchy, politics

iSplotchy Firmware Upgrade Gives More Functionality To Consumers

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Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

Hello!

To those proud new owners of the iSplotchy, who have made the commitment to joining the technology revolution in earnest, I congratulate you!

To those yet to make the leap, I am proud to announce a recent firmware upgrade that will soon be available on this site, providing ever-expanding functionality to an already spectacular product.

I routinely ping the gadget-savvy community, visit message boards, and scan the Usenet archives for ways I can improve upon this product.

Three requests continually appear in my ongoing investigations:

1. Food

People who love technology also love food. Food is what keeps us going. But a problem arises — how can we have a home-cooked meal on-the-go?

With the latest firmware upgrade, we have programmed the iSplotchy with nanofrying receptors that can convert solar energy into localized temperatures hot enough to cook food.

The iSplotchy, in direct sun on a cloudless summer day, is hot enough to fry eggs.

2. Games

The loud clamor of gamers echoed through the iSplotchy forums, and now this “Marco” has been effectively “Poloed”.

Those getting the new upgrade will find the iSplotchy capable of roughly approximating the experience of many classic arcade games, from Pacman, to Ms. Pacman, to Donkey Kong III (Galaga scheduled for 2012).

iJoysticks and iScreen available separately

3. Romance

Ah, the human condition. We all long for love. For companionship. For MAGIC.

The iSplotchy’s core nanotechnology has expanded to fully engage the appetites of the discerning adult.

For his and her “pleasure”

*****

As you can see, there is no time like the present to jump on the iSplotchy train.

Lastly, and I really do apologize for bringing this up — there have been unfounded criticisms leveled at the iSplotchy, the like of which you can find here.

I will not sit idly by as less-than-scrupulous individuals tarnish the image of this amazing product.

While the iSplotchy is the pinnacle in consumer gadgetry, there will always be people that attempt to “hack” into whatever technology they can get their grubby little hands on.

The situation described in the scurrilous post above is evidence of a failed hack into the iSplotchy. When the iSplotchy senses an attempted hack, it will be “rubbled” useless to prevent the hacker from using the iSplotchy for unsavory purposes.

As it rubbles, it also notifies the manufacturer of the nature of the attempted hack. The report on this particular iSplotchy indicates that its owner, Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein, attempted to do the following with the product:

1. Gold coin creation
2. Penis enlargement
3. Monkey desmellification

This kind of hackery will not be tolerated. The fact that Dr. Monkerstein is currently running a fruitless candidacy for the 2008 Presidency makes this affront even more serious.

How can you stop this kind of inside-the-beltway shenanigans? Vote for the iSplotchy in 2008.

adopt-an-actor, iSplotchy

Let’s Make It To Fifty, A Nice Round Number With A Five In It

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If my current count is correct, we have a total of 46 actors adopted thus far as part of our ongoing program — that’s 48 minus 2 actors returned to the orphanage.

Would any of you kind people step up and push us to the completely arbitrary round number of fifty?

Peace and Love,

Splotchy

P.S. The iSplotchy would never treat actors with the brutal viciousness displayed by Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein. Vote iSplotchy! For the children! For the actors! For the future!

iSplotchy

Presenting the iSplotchy

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Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

I am proud to have been given the opportunity, NAY! — the honor, to present the latest entry in technological devices that will change the landscape of human existence.


The iSplotchy.

A combination of concrete, steel and nanotechnology, the iSplotchy pushes the envelope in its enrichment of the everyday banal existence of the human race.

To answer your first question, yes, of course it plays music.

The iSplotchy’s numerous concrete nanoridges are capable of storing over 17 terabytes of information.

Numerous nanoports also allow for features hitherto unseen on technological devices available to the consumer.

So you are thinking, of course I love to have fun, but where can I find a babysitter?

With its 6 GHz tri-core processors, the iSplotchy is perfectly capable of acting as a caretaker for up to 5 children, with ages varying from infant to ten years old (note: iSplotchy does not change diapers).

The iSplotchy represents a cultural revolution in the making. Even before its official release, many websites and humorous memes have sprung up spontaneously to celebrate its inception.

With a “brain” that far surpasses any organic entity on earth, its numerous features which have only begun to be discovered, this post regarding the iSplotchy is not just a product announcement. It is far more than that.

The iSplotchy is running for the office of the President of these United States. America has done far worse. Now is the time for change. Time for the iSplotchy.