Thought I’d break up my labor-intensive, exhausting NOLA posts with a little levity, especially since my next post will be titled “Despair and Hope” (zoiks!).

Herein please find seven completely untrue facts about me.

1. I can spit a watermelon seed with enough force that it shatters glass.
2. I coined the phrase “God don’t make no junk” (well, I was part of the phrase’s steering committee, at least).
3. My real name is Ted Lange, and I played Isaac the bartender on TV’s Love Boat.
4. I have faithfully visited a tanning salon for daily one hour treatments since I was fifteen. After getting cancer of the hair in the late 90’s, I now wear a swimcap while tanning.
5. I only take right turns in the northern hemisphere. In the southern hemisphere I only take left turns.
6. My real name is Jessica Lange, the award-winning actress.
7. I’m typing this post while naked and covered in fancy mustard.

Okay, I tag the following people to provide seven untrue facts about themselves. Think of it as a belated Christmas present you never asked for and don’t want — a fruitcake meme, if you will.

Here are the lucky victims:
Dr Monkey Von Monkerstein – because I won’t rest until he is tagged so much there’s nothing left but a greasy spot on the wall.
Johnny Yen – because I want to get to the heart of what really doesn’t make him tick.
SamuraiFrog – because I’m wondering what he’s not all about.
Bubs – because I personally witnessed him sell my eldest son a variety of malarkey on Christmas Day, and he seemed to have plenty more to share.
FranIAm – because I said so.

Dr. Zaius has a-tagged me.

It’s a pie-in-the-sky kind of meme —

“Write about 5 classes you would like to take if you could make up your own curriculum. AND – and this is important, ONE of them must come from your tagger’s list.”

So, here ya go.

3978. Better Living Through Time Travel (3 credits) MWF 10:30-?
One of the enduring wishes of us history geeks is the ability to travel through time to see first hand the epochs and events that interest us the most. Well now you can, with this amazing, single-semester course! Learn the secret art of space-time continuum manipulation! Explore your chosen field fully versed in the language of your choice! No Latin? No problem! Discover the heretofore unknown nuances that prevent the paradoxical alteration of history itself that so much bad sci-fi has warned us about! So go and step on that bug with impudence! And just remember, the next time some wanker says that no one knows the real reason for the disappearance of human culture in the future, you can say, “You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!” Space craft necessary for said travel not included.

0332. Kickball (2 credits, pass/fail) MWF 7:00pm-9:00pm
Kickball! Kickball! Kickball! Beer will be provided.

0454. Building Real-World Rube Goldberg Contraptions (3 credits) TTh 3:00-4:00
This course will delve into the physical interaction of objects in time and space. For the first half of the course, students will be divided into groups of four. Several projects will be completed by these small groups, the goal of each task requiring the construction of a multistep device that executes an everyday task outlined by the instructor. Students will be given the opportunity to use a variety of objects to complete each task. Points will given for originality, resourcefulness, and audiovisual wittiness. The final project will involve the entire class, to create a large contraption capable of repeating an assortment of complex tasks. After the successful completion of the final project, it will be installed in a high-end casino in Las Vegas for the public to interact with and marvel at.

1337. Pirate Broadcasting for the Beginner (3 credits) MWF 1:00-2:00
Course will first give an overview of the evolution of the laws governing the use of airwaves, primarily within the United States, followed by a detailed history of pirate radio/television broadcasts that have sought to subvert or undermine these laws. Technical information will be discussed behind key interruptions in mainstream broadcasting by pirate broadcasters. A majority of the course will be devoted to hands-on experience running a pirate radio and TV station. Final project will involve the entire class, and will consist of a primetime interruption of a major entertainment outlet. The information conveyed during the interruption will be decided by the class through a majority vote.

5000. Stress Testing Everyday Objects (1 credit) TTh 10:30 – 12:00
Course designed to analyze the effects of extreme stress on everyday objects. Student will determine the objects he or she will be testing on a week-by-week basis. Available methods to the student to induce stress include (but are not limited to) the following: running object over with a steamroller, dropping object from an extraordinarily high building, dynamite, whipping object against a brick wall, putting object in junkyard compactor, extreme heat, extreme cold. Student will be required to indicate whether or not their stress-test “f*cked that sh*t up but good”.

I’ll tag some folks currently enriching their minds, who are probably way too deep in coursework to engage in some hypothetical studying:

Tenacious S
Cowboy The Cat
DGuzman
Johnny Yen
Freida Bee

Freida Bee recently tapped me to provide seven facts about myself.

I think I did this one a while back, so I’ll put a spin on it, and give you seven facts from my childhood.

1. I have collected things all my life. The first thing I ever collected was scraps of metal I would find on the street. I actually found some pretty neat things. I imagine I still have them stored in an old bank check box somewhere.
2. My favorite color was pink, before I learned it was a girlie color.
3. I was a big Gilligan’s Isle junky.
4. I had horrible Saturday morning cartoons in my hometown of Springfield, Illinois. I get a twinge of envy whenever someone who grew up in the Chicago area mentions all the great kids’ shows they had available to them.
5. I really enjoyed playing tackle football with my friends. I was nicknamed “Csonk”, after Miami Dolphins running back Larry Csonka.
6. A defining awful moment of my youth – there was a couple who lived in a house in my neighborhood. The man who lived in the house had Down’s Syndrome. I remember seeing several kids taunt him, screaming terrible things. I don’t think I did anything at all. I just stood there, though I felt I should have said or done something, anything. I always carry that memory with me in the back of my mind. I don’t know how the experience has affected my subsequent behavior or attitude in a particular way, but it definitely did something to me. That memory is somehow a part of me (though I suppose *all* memories are a part of us).
7. A defining wonderful moment of my youth – One summer I did some sort of extracurricular type of thing in the summer. I remember I didn’t get to do what I had originally asked for. I ended up taking a photography course. It was the first time I was in a group of individuals whose mission was to do something creative. It made me really happy, and I loved doing the photographic assignments. Each one was a little adventure.

I have been tagged by the effervescent SamuraiFrog with a series of questions.

Four jobs I’ve had or currently have in my life:

1. I worked several summers as a dishwasher at a Shakey’s in Springfield, which I actually enjoyed a large part of the time. They tried to give me more responsibility, but I basically argued my way into remaining the dishwasher. For a brief, unhappy time I handled the chicken/fish friers, which I didn’t like for a variety of reasons (prepping chicken, getting burnt by grease spatters from water-filled giblets, and emptying the grease at the end of the night).
2. One summer I thought I’d try get a different job, something un-Shakey. I tried getting a job at Blockbuster Video. I tried getting a job as a stocker at a supermarket. Nobody wanted me. I ended up getting hired at a Dairy Queen. This particular DQ also had a grill. After my first day of training, learning all about the secret curlicue technology DQ employs on their soft serve ice cream, a redneck faintly-mustached fella handed me a piece of metal that was used for shaking fries into the little fry sacks. I was very unhappy when I realized that once again I would be on fry detail. Redneck guy took my sour expression as uncertainty regarding how to use the fry shoehorn, so in his most encouraging voice he said, “You slide it in. It’s just like pussy.” I quit the next day and signed back up with Shakey’s.
3. When I was in college, I worked at a video arcade. I was hired primarily because I was a musician. The manager assumed that musicians would be mechanically-minded, and would be more likely able to do minor maintenance on the machines when they broke down. He was quite wrong about me. One night I made the mistake of locking myself out of the back room. I ended up having to to take the door off of its hinges to get in. Classy, eh?
4. Also in college I had a job making pizza dough at Godfather’s pizza. Excepting the manager, there were a lot of really nice people that worked there. At the restaurant they had a conveyor oven that people would put pizzas in on one side, they’d roll through, and by the time they would come out on the other side they would be cooked. Unless it was very busy, no one would be standing, waiting for the pizzas to come out. Still, you had to keep your eye on the oven, because food could get backed up and burn. It was customary to loudly say “Cut table!” when you saw food coming out of the oven and you yourself couldn’t make it over to get the food out. Someone who did have a free hand would hurry over to the oven, take the pizza out and cut it into slices. One day we closed for the day so we could do a thorough cleaning of the kitchen. We carried out all the items that weren’t too heavy or bolted down into the parking lot so we could spray them down with a high-powered hose. As a coworker and an assistant manager were carrying it out, I yelled “CUT TABLE!” and actually made the assistant manager involuntarily flinch. It was one of my finest employment moments.

Four countries I have been to:

1. Canada
2. Mexico
3. Italy
4. Austria

I talk about some of my travels to foreign lands here.

Four places I’d rather be right now:

1. Living in a nice, big house on the north side of Chicago
2. Living in a nice, big house on the north side of Chicago
3. Living in a nice, big house on the north side of Chicago
4. Living in a nice, big house on the north side of Chicago

Four foods I like to eat:

1. Homemade mac ‘n cheese
2. Chocolate cakey things
3. Barbecue pork chops
4. PB & J

Four personal heroes, past or present (or future):

1. Noam Chomsky
2. Bill Moyers
3. Jim Henson
4. Ralph Nader

Four books you’ve just read or are currently reading:
Ack. I have not been reading a lot lately.

1. The last Harry Potter
2. Interventions, by Noam Chomsky
3. Assorted children’s books

I am not tagging anyone at this point, but that doesn’t mean it ain’t happening at some point.

Tim was kind enough to answer five of my questions, but unexpectedly slapped me back with five of his own.

Okay, I’ll answer, still smarting from the tagback.

1. What is a long time?

I don’t know. Two or three, I guess. The unit of measurement is relative to your circumstances.

2. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

None, for me at least. I chomp right down to the gooey, pseudochocolate center.

3. Who am I?

You are a sentence phrased in the form of a question, to which I am the answer.

4. Is there a God? Yes or no or…?

I’ll do the same thing for this question that I did when a girl gave me a note in 5th grade asking me, “Do you like me, Yes or No? Circle one!” I circled the “or”.

Sheesh, that sounds dickish, but I wasn’t trying to be. Sorry, potentially-existing God!

5. What is calculus?

It’s the stuff that you get on your teeth when you don’t brush well. Apparently, there are some scientific and mathematical enterprises dependent on this stuff, which boggles the mind.

I’ve been tagged with a laser-pointed, one-blogger-at-a-time meme by SamuraiFrog.

THE RULES

1. At the bottom of your post, include your version of the statement, changed or not.
2. Pass it along to one single blogger.
3. Link your post back to the original here.
4. Link back to the person who tagged you: SamuraiFrog

The frog must have been gargling styrofoam popcorn while speaking with me, because it was a bit difficult to make out his message. I did try my best I to decipher it.

THE MESSAGE

Jesus hip and dice cards, yo’ thighs man, your claws would accept two to win my hand. I won’t wear your warm cereal until I warm you the red fins or be some dumb thing-a-reeny in a monkey, okay?

Bubs, you have been tagged.

I know virtually every blogger has done this eight-factoid meme thing, but I have been tagged with it for the first time by J.D..

So here goes.

THE RULES
1. All right, here are the rules.
2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
4. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
5. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

And now, THE FACTS:

1. I embarrassed a respected independent filmmaker.

Back in the late 90’s, a friend of mine and I made a 16mm feature film (we cowrote, he directed).

Not too long after the film was completed, he had tickets to see the movie director Monte Hellman speak at a screening of a new print of Hellman’s little-seen 1978 movie, China 9, Liberty 37.

My friend wanted to see the film, but he also was toting along a VHS copy of our finished movie, which he hoped to pass off to Mr. Hellman. He called me up — one of the people who was supposed to go with him couldn’t make it, so he had an extra ticket.

I jumped at the chance to go. I had seen some of Hellman’s other movies — Two-Lane Blacktop, Cockfighter and The Shooting, and had really enjoyed them.

After the film (which was kind of disappointing, despite having one of my fave character actors Warren Oates), Hellman took questions from the audience.

At that point Hellman hadn’t directed a movie in about 10 years. The last movie he directed was Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!. I asked him what was the story behind him directing that movie. He sort of laughed the question off. But then I pressed him, “No, really. Why did you direct that movie?” All of the sudden I felt like I was part of a tense, awkward moment. I could feel people looking at me, and I could feel the embarrassment of Mr. Hellman. He then said that he been sick with a fever, and finally gave in to someone who had been pestering him to direct the movie.

I honestly wasn’t trying to embarrass the man, I just wanted an answer to my question. I actually have never seen “Silent Night, Deadly Night 3” — it might be a very good movie, for all I know.

After the screening and Q&A we were able to go up and talk to Mr. Hellman, and my friend gave him the videotape. My friend never heard back from the man, and I think deep down he still bears a certain amount of ill will towards me as a result of my embarrassing question.

2. I have recurring bouts of hypochondria preceded by amorphous life anxieties.

I have struggled with anxiety throughout my life. I think it’s gotten a lot better, but I still get into bouts of it. Often the anxiety manifests itself in worries about myself having some sort of physical ailment. Why just a few days ago, a recurring twitch of my nose made me certain I had some sort of neurological problem (maybe Tourette’s syndrome).

I realize hypochondria is probably a pretty offensive thing to people actually suffering through real ailments, but it’s still something I am working through from time to time.

3. I was stabbed by the singer of a Chicago underground no-wave band.
You may or may have not heard of them, but US Maple is a really fantastic Chicago underground band.

Their singer Al Johnson often puts on a deliberately weird stage persona — for example, he’ll start their show shirtless and covered in dirt.

Well, one time my wife and I were in the front of a crowd seeing US Maple at the Empty Bottle, and Al Johnson was waving around a large kitchen knife. Without warning he brought down the point of the knife on my shoulder and started pushing down. I said, “Owwww!” and lowered my body to get away from the knife, but he kept the knife there, putting more pressure on my shoulder.

He eventually lifted the knife off me (it wasn’t horribly sharp) and continued the show.

After the set I noticed there was a rip in my t-shirt and a small cut where the knife had been.

Wicked cool!

4. I take a bite out of a sandwich immediately after making it.
I have no idea why I do this. I don’t come from a family with a large number of siblings — just my one brother who is seven years older than me.

Still, *right* after I make a sandwich I’ll take a bite out of it before putting it down on a plate.

5. I focus obsessively on events or people through which I feel I have been wronged.
You know who you are, assholes! I remember you, Anne, who made it difficult for me to move into that apartment on Leland because it wasn’t convenient for you to move out of there. You said, “I guess we’ll have to compromise,” but how does that it make it a compromise when you get what you want and I don’t get what I want?

And, you! Assholes at former online DVD retail outfit Skinnyguy.com! You still have a hundred bucks of my money I sent to you before, without warning, you closed up shop! I rode my bike over to your empty offices after you wouldn’t return my emails or phone calls. I joined an alumni Yahoo group of the Wharton School Of Business on the off chance I could get in contact with your founder! I even was able to track down a couple of your people at classes at the ImprovOlympic, but I didn’t end up going down to the class to confront them. After all, what am I, an obsessed person who cannot endure the sting of being slighted?

6. I never forget events when I have hurt the feelings of those I care about.
Hi. There’s probably a good chance you have forgotten the time when I said or did something hurtful (excepting my filmmaker buddy from #1, perhaps).

But I haven’t forgotten. It still bothers me. I’m sorry and I know I have already apologized countless times, but it still doesn’t help me forget.

7. Despite being a computer programmer, I absolutely hate the following kind of question — “Hey, something is wrong with my computer. Could you take a look at it?”
No I can’t, asshole!

8. I like big butts.

I tag Tim and Manx, but only if they have the hankering to do it.