Hey, hey, hey, let’s visit the LaGrange.

What’s on tap for the 9:00-ish shows?

Juno – Seen it!

The Bucket List – Seeing this movie isn’t on my bucket list, nor will it likely ever be.

Fool’s Gold – Ooh, another Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson romantic comedy. I think the fact that I watched How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days on an airplane with the sound off gives me the right to skip this one.

The Bank Job – Sure, let’s go!

So there’s a few plot threads being woven in and out throughout the duration of the film, but essentially The Bank Job is a story about a group of people led by Jason Statham who rob a bank in England, and then proceed to extricate themselves from several sticky situations that arise from robbing the bank. It is based on a true story, or as the movie’s tagline puts it, “The true story of a heist gone wrong… in all the right ways.” YEAH!!!!! (that YEAH was sarcastic, by the way).

Based on the previous movies I had seen with Statham (the mind-numbingly goofy Transporter movies, the sort-of okay Jet Li vehicle The One), I was a little surprised that this movie was rather understated, with little violence or action. But there were lots of boobies. Plenty of boobies.

Statham sported probably the most comprehensive set of facial stubble I have seen since the films of Sergio Leone. Unfortunately, I did not sit through the end credits to see if a Stubble Wrangler had been employed.

An actor who played a cop in the first couple seasons of the British series Prime Suspect has a reasonably large part in this movie as, um, a cop. But he’s a bad cop! Take that, pigeonholing casting directors!

Overall, this movie was a little long, a little overcomplicated, a little light on action. But everyone talked British, so that’s something, I guess.

Cheers!

So this was my first trip back to the LaGrange since the ticket prices were raised a staggering seventy-five percent. Having only three single dollar bills in my wallet, I reached for quarters out of our change jar (okay, I had a twenty dollar bill too, but I didn’t want to break it).

With the stakes raised so high now, what were my choices tonight?

Untraceable – Looks like another crappy torture porn movie. Plus, it wasn’t playing tonight at the 9:00pm show, because Theater 2 was featuring “Live Comedy”.

The Bucket List – You’re not expecting me to sit through this, are you?

27 Dresses – When I was contemplating seeing a movie last week, I would have chosen this over Untraceable — which honestly isn’t saying much.

Juno – Woo, an Oscar-winning “indie” comedy!

It was nothing but the best for Juno — Theater 1, in all its curvy splendor. Live Comedy had to suck it in Theater 2 tonight.

So, I actually sat down for this movie with some trepidation. Was there a Diablo Cody backlash still in progress? Would I be another screeching voice in the anti-Diablo chorus if I criticized the movie? Or had the backlash recoiled already, and we were in the midst of a backlash to the backlash — a Diablo Cody resurgence, a Diablo Cody Renaissance?

I didn’t know, but I felt like I should be sensitive about the crap I would be saying. Then several minutes into the movie, this line is uttered by a cashier played by Rainn Wilson:

“This is one doodle that can’t be un-did, Homeskillet.”

Thank you for this shitty line of dialogue, which completely absolves me of any snarky thing I spew about this movie.

It’s not like the script was awful or anything. It just wasn’t good. The dialogue really ventured into overcutesy unrealistic pop culture nonsense from time to time. And there was a really terrible scene where Juno gets an ultrasound, where the technician makes some out-of-the-blue ridiculously offensive statements and Juno’s stepmother responds in an unrealistic diatribe that would never be uttered by a person on this planet.

I’ll say that Diablo Cody deserved an Oscar for the screenplay in the same way that Crash deserved its Best Picture Oscar a couple years ago. They both deserved the awards because the Oscars are in no way an indicator of excellence. I’m sorry if I’m being unfair to Crash — I did see only a few minutes of it, a horrendously acted scene between Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock. Perhaps all the other minutes of Crash were manna from heaven.

Anyways, I’m happy to report that the screenplay, which again wasn’t awful, and which again wasn’t remotely good either, was not the most annoying thing about Juno.

Oh lord, the music. The music wouldn’t stop. And they used so much music I liked. “I’m Sticking With You” by the Velvet Underground; The Kinks’ “A Well Respected Man”. They used some Belle and Sebastian songs, a Buddy Holly song, even an Antonio Carlos Jobim song. These songs were UNEARNED by the filmmakers. Because you have a boring movie where little happens does not give you the right to paste over every goddamn transition with a catchy song. You didn’t earn it. You didn’t EARN it.

I was actually hostile to the lesser-known songs of Juno, just for the fact that I felt the songs that I *did* know were treated so shabbily. Now see what you did, Juno? You turned me against indie rock! For shame, Juno. For shame.

There are only a few more days left before the LaGrange Theatre mercilessly jacks its ticket prices from two dollars to three fifty. So, I thought I might as well try to squeeze one more cheap movie out of them before the next time I want to patronize their establishment, when I will have to choose to either feed my family or celebrate le cinema.

What were my choices tonight for 9-ish features at the LaGrange?

No Country For Old Men – I actually saw this in a first-run theater, and didn’t feel like watching it again.

I Am Legend – I saw this one at a first-run theater too! What the hell, am I a cinematic butterfly or what?

National Treasure: Book of Secrets – Alright, I’m game!

Wow, is Nicolas Cage looking sexy or what?!! No? Okay, sorry.

So, I must confess I was actually looking forward to seeing this movie a bit. Despite my self-loathing, schmuckish self, I actually kind of enjoyed the first National Treasure movie. I mean, it was kinda silly stupid, and I wanted that Riley Poole dweebo sidekick to get hit by a meteor, but I had fun watching it.

In addition to this, a major role is played by Jon Voight, who was something like a patron saint at the Davis Theater, the cheap moviehouse in my old Chicago stomping grounds. Don’t believe me? Hey, the truth is out there — I even made a bar graph about the man.

There was actually a brand new Goofy cartoon that preceded the movie. Guess who hates Goofy? Yes, you’re right! It’s me! Now please don’t misunderstand me — I greatly admire a movie studio willing to devote time and resources to bring the public an original work of animation. It’s definitely an artform to be cherished. But… I hate Goofy! Eff you, Goofy!

We then slide into the movie, which starts in the past, in the days following the end of the Civil War. We see an ancestor of our protagonist Ben Gates translating a page from John Wilkes Booth’s diary, and blah blah blah, Lincoln is shot, Gates’ ancestor realizes the person he is translating for is a member of some nefarious treasure-hunting organization (it was called Kentucky Fried Chicken, or something remarkably similar to KFC) and tries to destroy part of the diary, only to be shot by the KFC man.

Back in the present day, Ed Harris shows up with a page of the diary to interrupt Ben Gates’ (Nicolas Cage) stupid lecture about Lincoln, brandishing a missing page from Booth’s diary. Because the name of Gates’ ancestor is written on the diary with other Lincoln assassination co-conspirators, people immediately assume that Gates was the mastermind behind the assassination. This is supposed to be the motivating factor … y’know what? I’m done recounting the plot. It’s stupid. It’s a stupid, stupid plot. Do you want to know how stupid the plot is? The screenwriters that are attributed to this movie are listed in the credits as “The Wibberleys”.

So, in the end after a lot of hokum and nonsense, they end up finding a golden city under Mount Rushmore. Somehow this proves that Gates’ ancestor didn’t help kill Lincoln. I’m sure it’s all very logical when you diagram it all out.

Here’s some random observations.

Ed Harris is the bad guy in this movie, but he seems to wildly vacillate from being a noble man and a dickhead. I realize there are noble dickheads out there, but his nice and dickish parts didn’t seem to fit together well — it was more like the director said, “Ed, in this scene you are Jackson Pollock on a bender!” Or, “Ed, you’re in mission control talking to the guys up in the Apollo 13, and you have a styling flat-top haircut!”.

Ed Harris has some henchmen that follow him around for part of the movie. One guy’s sole purpose seems to be to pull people from their car so he can get in, drive and crash into things.

In this movie, we get to meet Ben Gates’ mom (and the elder Gates’ ex-wife). So, Gates’ dad is played by Jon Voight. Who are they going to get to play the mom? Why it’s none other than Helen Mirren, celebrated British actor and star of Prime Suspect, a detective series I have been frantically Netflixing! I didn’t know whether to feel happy or sad for her role in this movie, so I chose to feel nothing. I FELT NOTHING.

Harvey Keitel, who had a relatively small part as an FBI-agent-who-is-also-a-Freemason in the first film, also makes a small appearance in the sequel. In the original movie he flashes a little subtle Freemason jewelry, but as he is introduced in this movie, I believe the man is wearing Freemason suspenders. I’m not kidding.

So the movie ends and I decide to sneak over to catch the last few minutes of No Country For Old Men. When I had seen it the first time, the ending kinda confused me. It seemed a bit abrupt and stupid. I did confirm, yes, the ending is a bit abrupt and stupid.

The next review I do from the LaGrange will cost me $3.50! Please donate any spare quarters to the Two Buck Schmuck fund, to allow us to continue the richly entertaining commentary you have come to expect from this hallowed blog.

Excelsior!