Category Archives: movies

movies

Ten Mysterious Movie Quotes

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Okay, if it’s not too obvious, this is a variation on the lyrics quiz I recently posted. In this case, you just need to figure out what movie each quote is from. Feel free to comment on the movie as well, if you have a hankerin’.

We love talking of the movies ’round these parts.

All of the movies I’m quoting from have a place in my heart for one reason or another.

As you probably can imagine, searching for the quote is considered cheating.

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UPDATE:

Okay, since nobody got #3 and #9, I’m going to just answer them and be done with it.

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1. “Are you waving the flag at me?”
 &nbsp  — Skip McCoy (Richard Widmark), Pickup on South Street (identified by bubs)

Oh, man, this movie. One of my favorites by Samuel Fuller, who has really done some wonderful movies. This quote’s greatness is only amplified by the fact that it was a delivered in the 1950’s, when the US was knee-deep in patriotism, blacklisting and the Cold War. The line just drips with cynicism, as Richard Widmark’s character snarls it at an FBI agent, who tries pushing his “You’re an American, not a Commie” button to recover some microfilm Widmark unwittingly pickpocketed off a Soviet agent.

Wow.

Some people like to say, “Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel,” but I’ll stick with this quote.

2. “An intellectual carrot? The mind boggles!”
 &nbsp  — Ned “Scotty” Scott (Douglas Spencer), The Thing From Another World (identified by bubs)

I have only seen this movie once or twice, and honestly my memory of it has faded. The John Carpenter remake is one of my favorite movies — it’s actually much closer to the source material, Joseph Campbell’s short story “Who Goes There?”.

Still, I shot up when this line was delivered. An intellectual carrot? A mind boggling? I am so there.

3. “How does it feel? Getting paid for it? Getting paid to sit back and hire your killings… with the law’s arms around you? How does it feel to be so goddamn right?”
 &nbsp  — Deke Thornton (Robert Ryan), The Wild Bunch (never identified)

One of my favorite lines, delivered by one of my favorite character actors, in one of my favorite movies. The answer to Deke Thornton’s question — “Good. It feels good.” — to which Deke then replies, “You sonuvabitch!” Man, I love this movie.

4. “Death to the demoness Allegra Geller!”
 &nbsp  — Noel Dichter (Kris Lemche), eXistenZ (identified by mob)

I’m not sure how many people actually caught this David Cronenberg movie, but it’s one of my favorites of his. It’s got a lot of great acting talent, some notably being Willem Dafoe and Ian Holm. Jude Law gives a great performance, before all of his ridiculous overexposure where he seemed legally required to appear in 80% of all movies in a given year. Jennifer Jason Leigh has a great role as game designer Allegra Geller.

This quote is actually repeated by several characters in the film, but the Noel Dichter character says it first, right before shooting her with an organic gun that has teeth for bullets. Cool!

5. “Nothing is more reliable than a man whose loyalties can be bought with hard cash.”
 &nbsp  — Boris Balkan (Frank Langella), The Ninth Gate (identified by samuraifrog)

I love pretty much every movie by Roman Polanski I have ever seen. I have probably seen The Ninth Gate more than any other. I’m not exactly sure why, I just find the need to rewatch it from time to time.

Frank Langella’s Boris Balkan character is one of my favorite parts of the film, whether he makes an appearance as a politely sinister phone voice urging Dean Corso (Johnny Depp) to continue his mission despite the growing pile of dead bodies, or is scaring away a group of amateur devil worshippers with a loud “BOO!” after strangling their leader.

Balkan desribes his faith in Dean Corso in the quote cited, but turns out to be mistaken. Corso wants more than the money.

6. “I said I wanna see a Plaster of Paris bagel and cream cheese paperweight, now cough it up.”
 &nbsp  — Paul Hackett (Griffin Dunne), After Hours (identified by becca)

This is one my favorite Martin Scorsese films, possibly only being outdone by The King Of Comedy.

Who knew that a simple bagel paperweight could spark such an agonizing night?

7. “The enormous flies flapping slowly away into the sunset, small brown babies clutched in their beaks.”
 &nbsp  — Vince Ricardo (Peter Falk), The In-Laws (identified by bubs)

It has dated a bit, but I still think the original In-Laws is incredibly funny. The interplay between Alan Arkin and Peter Falk is fantastic, especially in the scene where their characters first meet at a dinner. That scene contains the above quote, as well as the equally classic, “Sadly, there is very little you can do because of the tremendous red tape in the bush.”


8. “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
 &nbsp  — Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin), The Princess Bride (identified by becca)

One of my favorite parts of this movie is the dialogue between the kidnappers of the Princess Bride – Inigo, Fezzik (Andre the Giant) and Vizzini (Wallace Shawn).

Inigo is filled with hate towards the six-fingered man that killed his father, but is a pussycat to everyone else, including the verbally abusive Vizzini.

It’s probably my favorite line in the movie, for reasons I can’t or don’t really want to explain. It’s just nice.

9. “The commander’s dead. Everybody in the mine has gone insane.”
 &nbsp  — Sgt. Jericho Butler (Jason Statham), Ghosts Of Mars (never identified)

It should be acknowledged that I really have an unhealthy soft spot for the films of John Carpenter. This movie was the first time I saw Jason Statham, a pasty-faced British action hero. I like the way he talks, his accent and phrasing, and I especially liked the way he delivered the above lines.

10. “Do you realize I haven’t kissed you in over an hour?”
 &nbsp  — Ramon Miguel ‘Mike’ Vargas (Charlton Heston), Touch Of Evil (identified by samuraifrog)

Oh man, one of my all-time favorite movies. This is my favorite Orson Welles movie — better than Citizen Kane, The Magnificent Ambersons, Lady From Shanghai. This is the one.

So many fantastic performances — Welles himself delivers the best acting performance of his career. Then there’s Marlene Dietrich, Akim Tamiroff as ‘Uncle Joe’ Grandi, Dennis Weaver as a motel manager (a definite precursor of Norman Bates, and perhaps even a little creepier than Bates), Mercedes McCambridge as a leather-clad butch biker chick(!) — goddammit, there is some wonderful acting in evidence. Wonderful story, wonderful cinematography, music, *everything*.

There are many quotable lines from this movie, but my favorite is the one above, a kind of a clunker piece of dialogue badly delivered by Charlton Heston near the beginning of the movie. It’s one of the few pieces of cheesiness in the movie, but a piece of cheesiness I have infinite love of.

I’ll actually say this line to my wife from time to time.

comix, movies

My, How The New Fantastic Four Movie Will Suck

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Wow, did the previous Fantastic Four suck.

I borrowed a copy of the DVD (I knew well enough not to pay money to see it in a theater) and I could not even sit through the whole thing. I had to fast forward through it.

I was especially pissed off at how they completely crapped on the great villain Doctor Doom.

The movie was worse than Daredevil. It was worse than The Hulk.

If we can apply the Law of Movie Sequel’s Diminishing Returns, the new Fantastic Four movie will, improbable as it might seem, suck even harder.

This movie will follow you home from the theater, kill your family then take a dump on your kitchen floor. It will be that bad.

And they turned the Silver Surfer into a T-1000 (search the web for images of what they did to the surfer, you won’t find images of that cinematic travesty on this here blog)!

Bastards.

movies, musicals, the road warrior

The Road Warrior, The Musical

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I had this fantastic idea on the train today. Many non-musical movies have been adapted into musicals in recent years.

It occurred to me that one of my favorite movies could be easily turned into a really fantastic musical.

The Road Warrior!

I like this idea enough that this will be an ongoing project of mine.
As I come up with a song, I’ll post the lyrics.

Completed Songs:

“Presenting The Lord Humungus”
Sung by: Toady
Description: Introduces the Humungus character to the people of the oil-producing village.

He’s the Ayatollah
Of rock-and-rolla
Tastier than fizzy cola
Who, you ask? I thought I tol’ ya.

He’s the Lord Humungus
The greatest one among us

He’s got wisdom
He’s got grace
He’s got a hockey mask
On his face

You should listen to what he’s sayin’
He’s sick of all your tired delayin’
And if you don’t stop disobeyin’
There’ll be more than oil you’re payin’

So put away your pens and crayons…

[the Feral Kid’s boomerang flies in and chops off his fingers]

SONUVABITCH!

More songs:

Just A Boy

You Talk To Me

Snake In The Sand

Max’s Overture

Just Walk Away

Check back periodically, as I don’t know when inspiration will strike me to create some more songs.

movies, two buck schmuck

Two Buck Schmuck Reviews Hot Fuz

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I had the following options at the lovely LaGrange Theater tonight — 300, Perfect Stranger and Hot Fuzz.

I am not seeing 300. Okay, maybe I’ll see 300. If, 300 days from now, 300 is still playing at the LaGrange, I’ll see it. Maybe. Unless something else is playing.

I felt really, really obligated to see Perfect Stranger. I mean, it’s a surefire crappy thriller starring Halle Berry and Bruce Willis. It’s PERFECT for a cheap movie that I would be able to ridicule into the dirt. I actually had intended to see it last week, but I was wiped out and ended up going to bed at 8pm.

Now, Hot Fuzz is a movie that I actually had wanted to see when it came out in the first-run theaters. According to the marquee of LaGrange’s Theater 1, the movie they were showing was “Hot Fuz”. Still, I thought there was a strong likelihood it was the same movie.

I enjoyed Shaun of the Dead quite a bit, and was looking forward to seeing Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright’s tribute to the cop buddy action movie.

So, I saw it. It wasn’t a straight parody of cop buddy movies, just as Shaun wasn’t a straight parody of zombie movies. Pegg and Wright clearly have an affection for these genres, and aren’t attempting to be snarky and condescending to them for the sake of a cheap laugh. Instead, I got a sense they were unironically professing their love, albeit still with a large dollop of some good-natured satire.

Pegg plays supercop Nick Angel, who gets sent to a remote English village by his superiors in London because he makes everyone look bad by his own stellar performance. Nick Frost (Pegg’s slob roommate buddy in Shaun of the Dead) plays a local, incompetent constable Danny Butterman who is obsessed with action movies.

I felt somewhat relieved that the main characters in this film were nothing like the slackers of Shaun. For some reason, it really bothered me how lazy and worthless those characters were (I imagine it was supposed to bother me).

A lot of heavy hitters were in this film. Cate Blanchett has an uncredited cameo as Nick Angel’s former girlfriend. She plays her only scene completely in a surgical mask. Still, that lady has some damn expressive eyes! Some other notable perforers — Jim Broadbent, Timothy Dalton, Edward Woodward, Bill Nighy, director Peter Jackson as a demented Santa Claus… Stephen Merchant and Martin Freeman of the UK series The Office also show up, as does Steve Coogan. Very, very nice cast.

I laughed aloud quite a bit at this movie, something I don’t do that often while watching a film, even when I find things funny.

Some of my favorite parts were relatively gruesome. A man gets his head pulverized by a falling piece of stone from a church roof, and walks around a bit with the rock in place of his head before collapsing. Timothy Dalton has an especially enjoyable comeuppance as his chin is impaled on a miniature replica of a church. Unlike a normal action movie where he would promptly die, he faintly whispers that his injury hurts very much.

Now, I don’t intend to see only good movies at the LaGrange, because if I did I’d haveta stop calling myself a schmuck.

So, I leave you one little tidbit to tantalize you.
This was the “Coming Soon….” poster in the LaGrange’s lobby:

YEAH!

adopt-an-actor, david patrick kelly, movies

Adopt-An-Actor

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I call on the bloggers of the world to adopt an actor.

I would recommend you pick a character actor, as they are the unsung heroes of the entertainment world.

By adopting Character Actor X you are not expected to be an exhaustive resource on X, nor are you expected to have seen all movies in which X acted. No, none of that crap.

I would only ask that you promote the actor from time to time, and occasionally keep tabs on their progress (assuming he or she isn’t dead). If you want to do it up nice, make a l’il space on your blog where you can have a picture of them.

Now that we have that out of the way, if you’re thinking about adopting David Patrick Kelly, FORGET IT. I have adopted him.

David Patrick Kelly is the best part of a lot of movies that he has acted in. His first movie role was in The Warriors where he delivered the immortal line “Warriors, come out to play-ee-ay!”

Directors Walter Hill and Spike Lee cast Mr. Kelly on a regular basis.

He’s got this knack for being very natural, no matter how cheesy the lines he’s given, whether it’s in sorta silly sci-fi movie Dreamscape or the wonderful Ahnold movie Commando.

I had thought up until today that Mr. Kelly was the person who fired the gun that killed Brandon Lee during the filming of The Crow, but after doing a little bit of research it appears that it was another actor that pulled the trigger.

This makes me feel better.

This is the first post devoted to my adoptee, but not the last.

Go, David, Go!

career retrospectives, movies, two buck schmuck

Al Pacino, Master Thespian

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You’ve been an actor all your life, devoting yourself to your craft.

If you’re lucky, you are revered for your works and accomplishments.

If you’re unlucky, some snarky blogger with no business critiquing others will copy and paste your IMDB page and insult your career.

Congratulations, Al Pacino. You have been selected for a Two Buck Schmuck Career Retrospective ™!

Deadly Circle of Violence (1968) TV Episode
Didn’t see it.

“N.Y.P.D.”
Wuzzah? Sorry, didn’t see it.

Me, Natalie (1969)
Me, no see it.

Out of It (1969)
Me: Can I see this movie? Them: Sorry, we’re out of it.

The Panic in Needle Park (1971)
This is what put the Pachinko Radinko on the map. Didn’t see it.

The Godfather (1972)
Hey, I like this movie! Mr. Pacino shoots Sterling Hayden in the neck, speaks Italian and wears a bowler hat. He’s good in this.

Scarecrow (1973)
Supposedly a good character study with Pacman and Gene Hackman. Haven’t seen it.

Serpico (1973)
I like this movie. Al is good in this, too. He has quirky hippie clothes when he’s an underground cop, owns a cute sheepdog and sports a full beard.

I think they should issue plush dolls for this movie. Y’know, for the kids.

The Godfather: Part II (1974)
I haven’t seen this in ages, but I liked it when I saw it. A little known fact about the scene between Michael Corleone and Fredo — they tried different body parts before settling on “Fredo, you broke my heart!” There’s an easter egg on the 30th Anniversary DVD edition in which you can see deleted scenes where Michael says “Fredo, you broke my pancreas!” and “Fredo, you broke my uvula!”

Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
So starts the scenery chewing. I still like this movie. I like Pacino in this, and I like his interplay between him and John Casale, Chris Sarandon and Charles Durning.

Bobby Deerfield (1977)
Some crappy car racing movie, right? I haven’t had the pleasure.

“The Godfather Saga” (1977) (mini)
This doesn’t count. Next!

…And Justice for All. (1979)
Saw a little bit of it. It sucked. Pacino wasn’t much better.

Cruising (1980)
Haven’t seen it, but I’ve definitely snickered at stills from the movie a few times.

Author! Author! (1982)
Due to the miracles of pay television in the 80’s, I probably have seen this movie more than any other Pacino movie. Scary, huh? He’s actually not that bad in it. Something in its favor — Eric Gurry plays one of his kids. Eric G.’s next movie would be the Sean Penn prison movie Bad Boys, where he blows the face off of Carnivale and Highlander bad guy Clancy Brown with a homemade explosive. Was that a tangent I just wandered down?

Scarface (1983)
I dunno, overacting in a Spanish accent is very similar to overacting with a New Yawk accent, isn’t it? Still, haveta always catch the chainsaw scene when I come across this movie on TV.

Revolution (1985)
Probably a sucky movie. I saw a clip of Pacino pontificating and that was all I needed to see.

Sea of Love (1989)
Supposedly a bright star in Pacino’s 80’s repertoire. I — wait for it — haven’t seen it.

The Godfather: Part III (1990)
Terrible film. Performance not so good, and the crappy old guy makeup they put him in at the end didn’t help.

Frankie and Johnny (1991)
I actually saw it at a cheap theater. I guess he was okay, I guess. Skippable movie.

The Godfather Trilogy: 1901-1980 (1992) (V)
Didn’t I already comment on the Godfather movies?

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Pacino in a David Mamet-written film makes his acting a little less conspicuous. He was fine in this. This whole movie is a little too show-offy for the actors to my taste — particularly Kevin Spacey and Ed Harris. I liked Jack Lemmon, though.

Scent of a Woman (1992)
I paid to see this in the theater. Why? I have no idea. I think it’s like 5 hours long, and Pacino is really, really terrible as a blind a-hole. But, this film did give us the interjection “HOO-ah!”

Carlito’s Way (1993)
Crappy Brian De Palma movie. Sean Penn is worse in this than Pacino is. The whole movie is cliched, but Pacino isn’t awful in it.

Two Bits (1995)
A customer of my Dad’s movie auction wrote this. He was the guy who adapted the screenplay for Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho as well. Haven’t seen it, though Pacino does look a little silly in his old guy makeup (see Godfather III above).

Heat (1995)
This Michael Mann movie was a little long, but I liked it, mostly for the stuff with Robert DeNiro’s gang. Al Pacino is sucky in this as a gum-chewing cop. One of my favorite bad Pacino lines is in here. Pacino’s cop is talking to Hank Azaria’s character about his girlfriend. I can’t do the line justice in print, but he says, “She’s got a great Big ASSSSSSS! And you’ve got your HEAD…. all the WAY… UP IT!!!” Azaria just gives Pacino a “what the f*ck?” kinda expression after this. I read somewhere that this was a line Pacino had improvised, which would explain the genuine confused and disgusted look on Azaria’s face.

City Hall (1996)
Probably sucky? Didn’t see it.

Donnie Brasco (1997)
I saw this in the theater. I thought Pacino was understated, but not particularly good. This movie was boring.

The Devil’s Advocate (1997)
Al Pacino? As the Devil? Should we even ask him to tone it down?

The Insider (1999)
I haven’t seen it since its release, but I really liked it. I remember being really impressed with Russell Crowe’s performance. Pacino was okay, but the only thing that sticks in my head for him is “ARE YOU A BUSINESSMAN OR ARE YOU A NEWSMAN???!!”

Any Given Sunday (1999)
Al Pacino? As a pro football coach? Should we even ask him to tone it down? To be fair, I have only seen pictures of this movie, not the movie itself.

Chinese Coffee (2000)
Huh? What is this?

Insomnia (2002/I)
Saw it. Blah blah blah.

S1m0ne
Saw 5 minutes of it. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

People I Know (2002)
Didn’t see it.

The Recruit (2003)
Boring thriller. At one point, Pacino says “You have to admit, I’m a scary judge of talent.” I thought he should shorten it to, “You have to admit, I’m a scary.”

Gigli (2003)
I obeyed the hype and shunned this movie. It’s probably a diamond in the rough, no?

The Merchant of Venice (2004)
I saw a little of this. It was okay.

Two for the Money (2005)
I stayed away. Did you?

movies, two buck schmuck

Two Buck Schmuck: A Celebration

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Wow, all the Two Buck Schmuck columns at my fingertips?

Yes. Yes, they are.

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MOVIE REVIEWS
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January 16th, 2011 – The Social Network
I have no idea what happened in this review. I went batshit crazy.

November 24th, 2009 – Couples Retreat
As soon as I recover from how bad this movie was, I’ll think of something amusing to put here.

November 19th, 2009 – Law Abiding Citizen
What did it take me to get me back to the LaGrange? Apparently, a shirtless Gerard Butler.

June 19th, 2009 – Obsessed
Beyoncé punches marital difficulties in the throat.

May 15th, 2009 – Adventureland
Contrary to popular belief, it is not a cinematic adaptation of the Atari 2600 game Adventure.

November 26th, 2008 – Eagle Eye
What’s that smell? Oh, it’s this movie.

October 28th, 2008 – Righteous Kill
Finally, a dream of mine comes true. DeNiro and Pacino in a shitty movie together!

September 24th, 2008 – Get Smart
Get Stupid is more like it. AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!!

June 27, 2008 – Iron Man
Director Jon Favreau evokes my irrational, bitchy wrath by his mere existence.

June 16, 2008 – 88 Minutes
Al Pacino hits another one out of the park. And by out of the park, I mean a foul ball that kills a stray kitten.

April 30, 2008 – The Bank Job
Not to be confused with The Italian Job or The Bank Dick.

April 12, 2008 – Juno
I didn’t like this movie. Honest to blog!

March 26, 2008 – National Treasure: Book Of Secrets
The Book Of Secrets, As Seen In A Crappy Movie

February 21, 2008 – The Golden Compass
I’m suffocating from all the whimsy!

January 31, 2008 – The Darjeeling Limited
It’s cute, it’s precious, it’s altogether wretched.

November 21, 2007 – Halloween (2007) with addendum
Look Helen, there’s a seven foot tall man wearing a mask and covered in blood, holding a big knife and walking down the street. Do you think we should call someone?

November 13th, 2007 – The Brave One
Jodie Foster’s boring as hell and she’s not going to take it anymore.

October 28th, 2007 – The Bourne Ultimatum
Most likely, this is the only review of the latest Bourne movie that starts with a magic wall guarded by a geezer and a star falling from the sky.

October 18th, 2007 – Death Sentence
Watch out, Kevin Bacon is gettin’ MAD!

October 7th, 2007 – Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
The magic of sitting in an uncomfortable seat for 2+ hours.

October 4th, 2007 – The Invasion / Transformers (partial)
A main course of vomiting pod people, followed by a small dessert of CGI robots with attitude.

September 19th, 2007 – Live Free Or Die Hard
Do you think Bruce Willis will save the day? Do we dare to dream?

September 12th, 2007 – 1408
The fear of sharing a hotel room with John Cusack for an hour and a half.

August 28th, 2007 – Ocean’s Thirteen
Some superstitious people view the number 13 with dread, which now makes perfect sense to me.

July 24th, 2007 – Hostel: Part II
Life imitates art, as the Schmuck is violently pelted with cherries.

July 17th, 2007 – Spider-Man 3
The Schmuck dons the sweat-soaked red and blue tights.

June 27, 2007 – Fracture
Wake me up for the scene where Ryan Gosling wears a Starved Rock t-shirt.

June 18, 2007 – Wild Hogs
What’s funnier than Tim Allen riding a motorcycle? Plenty.

June 13, 2007 – Hot Fuzz
The Schmuck is in luck to see a movie that doesn’t suck.

May 31st, 2007 – Shooter
Introductions, declaration of purpose, Mark Wahlberg shooting people in the head.

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CAREER RETROSPECTIVES
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Al “Bug Eyes” Pacino

Joel “Shitty” Schumacher

Kevin “Makin'” Bacon

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BEFORE HE WAS THE SCHMUCK
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Reviews at Chicago’s Davis Theater

movies, products i'd like to see

A Great Role For Peter Bogdanovich

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I have this great role for Peter Bogdanovich in a low-budget slasher movie.

It goes like this…

He plays an insufferable film director who can’t stop name-dropping other famous directors he has met.

Just as he launches into a story about how he once refereed a ping pong game between Orson Welles and John Ford in a chateau off the French Riviera, the killer sneaks up from behind and strangles him with his own ascot.