Category Archives: politics

iSplotchy, politics

Yes, the iSplotchy Can Make You Tron

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The unwarranted and slanderous attacks on the iSplotchy have increased recently.

This comes as no surprise to me, because despite its very late start in the 2008 Presidential campaign race, the iSplotchy is already pulling far ahead of both the failed iSplotchy hacker Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein, and the combined IQ of 70 that is the Zaius/Gregarious ticket.

The latest smear comes from Germaine Gregarious, who attempts fearmongering tactics to imply that being in close proximity with the iSplotchy can turn you into Tron.

Let me attempt to unravel the latest lies Ms. Gregarious has foisted on the naive public.

Falsehood #1: Proximity to the iSplotchy will turn you into Tron.
Not true! The iSplotchy has the capability of turning its owner into Tron. This does not happen without the consent of the user. It is also possible to de-Tron using the iSplotchy. In short, it’s a feature, not a side effect.

Falsehood #2: Being Tron is a bad thing.
I quote from Ms. Gregarious’ ill-informed post:
“Seriously, if [handsome man, pictured above] can be turned into a digitized tool of the Master Control Program, what hope have you got?”

Ms. Gregarious, are you even familiar with the story of Tron?

Tron, played by heartthrob Bruce Boxleitner, is the program that topples the Master Control Program (MCP)! He speaks truth to power, not for it!

Falsehood #3: Germaine Gregarious is Open Source.
Really, Ms. Gregarious? You expect us to believe that?

Why have you incorporated? What are you hiding?

***

I apologize for once again taking time from my daily work on nanoenhancements for the iSplotchy product you know and love.

However, you must understand that baseless attacks made by Ms. Gregarious and her ilk will be answered swiftly and aggressively.

iSplotchy in 2008!

iSplotchy, politics

iSplotchy Firmware Upgrade Gives More Functionality To Consumers

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Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

Hello!

To those proud new owners of the iSplotchy, who have made the commitment to joining the technology revolution in earnest, I congratulate you!

To those yet to make the leap, I am proud to announce a recent firmware upgrade that will soon be available on this site, providing ever-expanding functionality to an already spectacular product.

I routinely ping the gadget-savvy community, visit message boards, and scan the Usenet archives for ways I can improve upon this product.

Three requests continually appear in my ongoing investigations:

1. Food

People who love technology also love food. Food is what keeps us going. But a problem arises — how can we have a home-cooked meal on-the-go?

With the latest firmware upgrade, we have programmed the iSplotchy with nanofrying receptors that can convert solar energy into localized temperatures hot enough to cook food.

The iSplotchy, in direct sun on a cloudless summer day, is hot enough to fry eggs.

2. Games

The loud clamor of gamers echoed through the iSplotchy forums, and now this “Marco” has been effectively “Poloed”.

Those getting the new upgrade will find the iSplotchy capable of roughly approximating the experience of many classic arcade games, from Pacman, to Ms. Pacman, to Donkey Kong III (Galaga scheduled for 2012).

iJoysticks and iScreen available separately

3. Romance

Ah, the human condition. We all long for love. For companionship. For MAGIC.

The iSplotchy’s core nanotechnology has expanded to fully engage the appetites of the discerning adult.

For his and her “pleasure”

*****

As you can see, there is no time like the present to jump on the iSplotchy train.

Lastly, and I really do apologize for bringing this up — there have been unfounded criticisms leveled at the iSplotchy, the like of which you can find here.

I will not sit idly by as less-than-scrupulous individuals tarnish the image of this amazing product.

While the iSplotchy is the pinnacle in consumer gadgetry, there will always be people that attempt to “hack” into whatever technology they can get their grubby little hands on.

The situation described in the scurrilous post above is evidence of a failed hack into the iSplotchy. When the iSplotchy senses an attempted hack, it will be “rubbled” useless to prevent the hacker from using the iSplotchy for unsavory purposes.

As it rubbles, it also notifies the manufacturer of the nature of the attempted hack. The report on this particular iSplotchy indicates that its owner, Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein, attempted to do the following with the product:

1. Gold coin creation
2. Penis enlargement
3. Monkey desmellification

This kind of hackery will not be tolerated. The fact that Dr. Monkerstein is currently running a fruitless candidacy for the 2008 Presidency makes this affront even more serious.

How can you stop this kind of inside-the-beltway shenanigans? Vote for the iSplotchy in 2008.

politics

At Least They Covered The Pretzel Choking

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Off the top of my head, I couldn’t remember when the pretzel incident happened. I have a yellowed newspaper clipping of Bush and his wound on my wall, that went up as soon as I saw it published in the Chicago Sun Times.

I figured the accident happened pre-September 11th, but apparently it occurred on January 14th, 2002. I am surprised that the media covered the event at all, as they were still the solemn witnesses of President Bush’s gravitas.

I guess the media didn’t *completely* abdicate their responsibility, eh?

politics

Splotchy, The Prototypical Simian Swing Voter

11 Comments

As far as the current political scene goes, my opinions probably most likely do not vary greatly from those who occasionally read my blog. Like minds attract like minds, I suppose.

Having said that, I must state, as a matter of conscience, that I am thoroughly undecided regarding the latest brouhaha developing between Dr. Zaius and Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein.

They are both vying for the highest level of office of these grand United States.

I must mention that I have added Dr. Zaius, Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein as well as Dr. Von Monkerstein’s advisor and/or puppet Samuarai Frog to my blogroll, in my attempt to see all sides of the Simian issue.

Now, Dr. Von Monkerstein and Samurai Frog have graciously added *me* to their blogrolls. And as for the blogroll of Dr. Zaius? The tumbleweeds blow there, having not felt the life-giving moisture of Splotchy.

Why, do you ask? I do not know. I *do* know that in a hotly-contested political race, all votes are precious. Perhaps even more important than my vote is my influence. Dr. Zaius, do you want the full force of the Splotchy apparatus upon your simian head? For example, do you want me training my ample resources on investigating the status of your US citizenship? I think not.

There is an easy remedy to the sticky wicket you find yourself in, Zaius.

Add me to your blogroll, and I promise to advocate fairness and reasoned discussion, and will represent the views of both yourself and Von Monkerstein honestly.

If not, you’re in for a big shitstorm.

Best Regards,

Splotchy

politics

Struggling Through Summer School

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From today’s Chicago Tribune:

Sober report on Iraq
Progress review mixed; Bush says ‘surge’ needs time

Wistful president talks of politics, principles

By Michael Tackett
Tribune senior correspondent
Published July 13, 2007

WASHINGTON — He rode into office on plain speech and core conviction. In the years following the Sept. 11 attacks and throughout the Iraq war, that persona of tough resolve had only hardened. But on Thursday, President Bush found himself almost wistful, conjuring a rocking-chair moment at his Texas ranch when he will reconcile his unpopularity with the knowledge that he honored his principles about the war.

In a notable departure from his typical approach, during a White House news conference beamed out to the world, the president acknowledged the personal toll of sticking with his beliefs when they were so profoundly in opposition to those of the American people.

…

Like students complaining about the questions on a test, the Pentagon tried to help the president, arguing that the benchmark tests set by Congress were in effect designed in such a way as to ensure they would not be met.

The full article is here.

The print article actually has an accompanying image that its online version does not. It’s pretty much the same kind of image I’m including on this post.

The inclusion of a picture of a sober, tight-lipped Bush alongside an article about how something he was involved in went horribly wrong is getting a bit old for me.

I think it’s very appropriate that the author of this article makes the analogy of Bush needing help in school.

When I see these kinds of articles + images, Bush reminds me of a lazy-ass summer school student, who you, as his teacher, are admonishing for his poor performance on a test. He is wearing the expression for your benefit, so you’ll feel that he is listening at you, and in the future will be determined to do a good job. However, in reality, he just doesn’t give a shit, and will just muddle through your class without the slightest bit of effort.

I’d say flunk the bastard, but I’d rather just have him out of my school system.

politics

Thirty Percent of Americans Agree – He’s Doing A Swell Job

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As the leftist pinko liberals that occasionally read my blog probably already know, George W. Bush’s approval ratings are regularly hovering around the 30% mark.

These statistics, when applied to the batting average of a Texas Rangers pitcher, aren’t bad at all, but Dubya isn’t currently a Texas Rangers pitcher.

My question is, who are the people that are still approving of his performance?

I have come up with three groups.

1) The Ultrawealthy
The Bush Administration has been wonderful to the superrich. I am lumping the wealthy CEOs of Enron, Halliburton, etc. in this group. This group would be a larger percentage of the total if corporations were considered pollable human beings in these surveys (this may yet happen — dare to dream!).

2) Parents of US soldiers
I had never heard of Cindy Sheehan until she started talking about her son Casey who was killed in Iraq. I wouldn’t be surprised if she held her tongue about George Bush’s policies while her son was still alive. I think that if a parent has a child fighting in a foreign war, they desperately want to believe that the people who sent them had the child’s best interests at heart. No matter how many horrible things the Bush Administration does regarding the soldiers — extending tours of duty, having atrocious hospital conditions, providing incompetent management of a war, etc. — if my son or daughter were still there in harm’s way I would have a really tough time openly criticizing the President.

3) ??????
This is the group that baffles me.