Category Archives: rock ‘n roll

Strange, Avant-Garde Gifts From My Father

My dad doesn’t like rock music for the most part. Okay, he likes the Beatles. He likes The Four Freshmen, and assorted songs from the 1950’s.

But my dad is passionate about music — 1920’s and 1930’s jazz specifically. Louis Armstrong, Bix Beiderbecke, etc. During my adolescence, I, for the most part, tried my damnedest not to listen to his music. I find his music much more enjoyable nowadays, but when you’re a gloomy, moody teenager like I was, the last thing you’d want to do is say, “Oh, I like what my folks like.”

Despite having dissimilar tastes, since we were both very passionate about music, we would occasionally lob a volley of a song or two to each other in hopes of making some of sort of connection.

My dad would play the occasional jazz 78 record for me, to mixed results.

I remember playing a pretty solo acoustic guitar song by Yes called “The Clap” for him (No, I have no idea why an effete prog rock band would wish to write a song called “The Clap”).

My dad has an encyclopedic knowledge of the music he cares about. But rock music? I don’t believe he has the equivalent knowledge, or the desire to obtain it — it’s just not his cup of tea.

Over the course of my lifetime, my dad has given me two albums out of the blue. It wasn’t Christmas, it wasn’t a birthday. A couple times during my high school years, my dad just said, “Hey, I picked up this record for you, thought you might like it.”

At the time he gave me these records, I was into The Police, Pink Floyd, Yes, Led Zeppelin, that kinda stuff.

I had no idea what freakshow he was giving me.

The Zapped album was a sampler of Frank Zappa’s Bizarre Records that you could get mailed to you if you sent some money in to his label. I don’t believe it was available in stores. My dad picked this up somewhere used.

This compilation was my first introduction to Captain Beefheart — there are two tracks from Trout Mask Replica. A wonderful pop song by Girls Together Outrageously is on there, which is still among my favorite tunes. There is stuff on this LP that I *still* find a little too odd for my tastes (Lord Buckley, anyone?).

The second album my dad got me was even stranger than the first.

It consisted of 42 tracks that …. well, I’ll let it do the explaining.

If you’re wondering, how on Earth could you fit 42 songs on one piece of vinyl? The answer is, you can’t. Each of these tracks was 15-20 seconds long — they were just snippets of songs. Far out, man.

I frequently would recite the small sample of William S. Burroughs on this record (“Stay out of that time flak! All pilots ride Pan Pipes back to base.”) before I even knew who Burroughs was.

So, I just wanted to say, thanks to my dad for putting me on the road to avant garde stuff.

Once In A While Random Ten

Here’s a non-Friday, completely random sampling of my musical library.

I felt like I had to share this particular batch, seeing as the first and third songs rhymed, and the second song said that music is the only way I can communicate.

01. Os Mutantes – “She’s My Shoo Shoo”
02. Shake – “Music Is The Only Way (I Can Communicate)”
03. Les McCann – “Beaux J Poo Boo”
04. The Beta Band – “Assessment (Live)”
05. The Meters – “Hang ’em High”
06. Patton Oswalt – “Toronto Open Mic”
07. Tom Ze – “Passageiro”
08. King Missile (Dogfly Religion) – “The Blood Song”
09. Buddy Holly – “Raining In My Heart”
10. Camper Van Beethoven – “Border Ska”

Requiem For A Physics Teacher

Inspired by Coaster Punchman’s heartwarming tale of a teacher, I bring you one of my own.

None of this is made up. It’s all true.

I had a physics teacher in high school named Teddy Baer (pronounced “Bear”). Yes. I know. I don’t know how he made it to adulthood, either.

He didn’t have the witchy maliciousness of CP’s Ms. Lowmuff, but he certainly had his share of problems.

He was actually a shop teacher, who, probably due to budgetary concerns, was tapped to teach high school physics. I’m using the word “teach” in the loosest sense of the word.

I remember vaguely doing lots of quadratic equations, for purposes that elude me even to this day.

Mr. Baer had a habit of mispronouncing words, many of them being quite amusing.

There were enough of these that my friend Tim and I actually started keeping a list. Sadly, this list has been lost, but I still remember a few.

The all-time favorite of mine was him saying “Connecticut energy” instead of “kinetic energy”. He said this a *lot*. I actually got a detention a couple of times because of uncontrollable snickering.

Despite having some levity in the class, I would have much rather learned a bit more about physics — overall this class was a pretty big drag.

So, how did I exorcise the demon of Teddy Baer?

Why, with a song of course.

Click to hear –> Requiem For A Physics Teacher
I was just learning to play guitar, Tim was just learning how to play drums, and both of us were learning how to sing badly. Still, a nice song.

Here’s the lyrics, if’n you can’t understand our adolescent caterwauling.

Up there, It’s Mr. Baer
He’s gonna jump
He’s gonna jump

In a classroom far away
There lived a man who died today
Thought he was king of all equations
But he forgot about acceleration

Mr. Baer you got no hair
But we don’t care if you float on air
We think you’re such an awesome teacher
But we don’t if we should beseech you

Not to jump
Not to jump

Connecticut energy
Motary rotion
Can you stand
On Jupiter’s ocean?
(You know you can’t, Mr. Baer.)

All right
All right

Up there, It’s Mr. Baer
He’s gonna jump
He’s gonna jump

Watch Mr. Baer do the slamming wall dance
Does he know he’s got chalk on his pants?
He should be home, drinking his Coors
But instead he’s falling forty floors (Oh no!)

Mr. Baer you got no hair
But we don’t care if you float on air
We think you’re such an awesome teacher (Word!)
But we don’t if we should beseech you

Not to jump
Not to jump
Please….

Where The Hell Is Bill?

Well, maybe he went to get a sideways haircut
Maybe he went to get a stri-pehd shirt
Maybe he went to get some plastic shoes
Maybe he went to get some funny sunglasses

Where, where the Hell is Bill?

Well, maybe he went to get an Air Force parka
Maybe he went to get a Vespa scooter
Maybe he went to get a British flag
Maybe he went to go Mod Ska dancing

Where, where the Hell is Bill?

Well, maybe he went to get a mohawk
And maybe he went to get some gnarly thrash boots
Maybe he went to go ride his skateboard
Maybe he went to see the Circle Jerks

Where, where the Hell is Bill?
Where, where the Hell is Bill?
Where, where the Hell is Bill?
Where, where the Hell is Bill?