Well, I warned you. Now, here it is.

The Gay Side Of Splotchy.

I don’t know if I have enough gay in me to warrant attributing a whole “side” to gayness, but here goes anyway.

Some gayish facts about me:

1) My first apartment in Chicago was just east of Broadway on Grace, at the northern edge of what is affectionately known as “Boys’ Town”. You want Girls Town, you haveta go up to Clark and Foster, ladies. I really liked the neighborhood. It had a nice vibe (but parking was for shit!).

2) Being originally from the relatively homophobic (or at least homoambivalent) Springfield, Illinois, I was initially taken aback by the sex shops and horribly-punned gay bars (“Manhole” anyone?), but quickly got used to it. I realized how it must suck to be gay in some small town where this kind of environment doesn’t exist. There was a palpable “gayness” (as in happiness) around this neighborhood. I can certainly understand the desire of many people to flock to a large metropolitan area for this kind of stuff.

3) On one of my nightly walks around the neighborhood (it was always buzzing) I was asked, “Do you want to earn a hundred bucks?” I paused for a second, and very politely said, “Nah.” To which, the man asking me incredulously said, “Really?!!” I’m not sure what he was wanting for the money he was offering. I’d like to think he found me attractive and wanted to have sex with me.

4) My crotch was grabbed by a black transvestite hooker as I was walking up Broadway. I loudly said, “No thanks!” as I pushed his/her hand away. I’m very polite on my walks.

5) I had a man-crush on Jude Law, mostly after seeing him in Wilde and eXistenZ, and before he got all ubiquitous and creepy. I later had a man-crush on Clive Owen after seeing him in Sin City and Children of Men.

6) I have some gay tastes in music.

Which brings us to the latest hits in the Splotchy jukebox (which you can access over on yonder right side of this here blog)…

1) Shirley Bassey – Goldfinger
I have an unhealthy love for this song, and I *am* Shirley Bassey when I am singing along with it.

2) The Left Banke – Pretty Ballerina
Okay, okay, not all of these songs are gay. This song is more twee than gay, but gay and twee songs inhabit the same place in my heart. So sue me. I really wish when I’m singing with it that I could hit all the high notes. I’d love to do this song in a band.

3) Belle And Sebastian – Me And The Major
More beautiful tweeness. But it rocks hard.

4) Eiffel 65 – Move Your Body
Okay, I think I can call this one pretty gay. I first was exposed to this song via its music video. One of the band members is dressed in black and does high kicks to hit small robots that explode. That’s pretty gay, isn’t it? Plus, I heard this song in a gay bar, which makes it gay, as is my understanding.

5) Antony and the Johnsons – Divine
I love Antony. He sings like a drag queen. This song is about John Waters’ friend and oft-used actor Divine, and is pretty powerful.

6) The Smiths – Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now
Now, I hadta put a Smiths song on here. In my humble opinion, this is the gayest one.

7) ABBA – Fernando
Ah, Fernando. I really love this song. For some reason I made up my own lyrics for the chorus, which I get so much joy from singing:

There was something in my eye
It burned
“Oh God,” I cried, “Fernando!”

8) Sufjan Stevens – Casimir Pulaski Day
This song is all sensitive and shit, and it really affects me. It’s so twee that it rolls over into macho.

9) Young Marble Giants – Wurlitzer Jukebox
Another song that would get you beaten up at a roadhouse bar if you tried playing it (assuming the bar was stocking the Young Marble Giants on their jukebox).

Wow, I am a little disappointed with my gay taste in music. I *was* trying to find some stuff that you might be unfamiliar with. At least that’s the argument I am going with.

Oh well.