Category Archives: twitter

celebrities, twitter

Ghost-Tweeting For Celebrities Apprehensive Of Twittering

8 Comments

Hi, celebrities. Hey, how’s life? Well, if you’re not Twittering, we have no idea how life is for you.

What’s that? You say you would like to tell us how your life is, but you’re afraid to?

  • Are you ashamed of your atrocious grammar and/or spelling?
  • Are you afraid you’ll accidentally tell everyone you compulsively urinate behind laundromats?
  • Are you simply not interesting?

Well, I am offering my services to you. I will Ghost-Tweet your life.

I have knocked out over 1,000 updates at isplotchy, my main Twitter account.

Here are a few choice Tweets, to give you some idea of the quality of my Tweeting skills.

**********

Hey, everyone! I’m sweating!

I had a free Danish, and I am wearing ankle socks. Also, pants and two shirts. I’m chewing gum.

FUCK THIS SHIT I’M GOING TO PANERA

**********

I have even recently created a new, exciting Twitter game Name That Face! which has over TWENTY participants!

To begin Ghost-Tweeting for you, all that I need is:

A) Your name
B) Why you are a celebrity (in case I’m not sure who you are)
C) What kind of Tweets you would like me to do on your behalf

All the above are important, but it is crucial that you tell me about your Tweet preferences, because it gives the Ghost-Tweeter (me) insight into the flavor/essence you want to see your Twitter feed imbued with.

Do you want me to promote current and future projects?
Do you want me to go on and on about your stupid fucking dog?
Do you want me to simply retweet the barely coherent ramblings of other celebrities?

Well, I can do all those things and MORE.

Please drop me a line at i PERIOD splotchy AT gmail PERIOD com if you are interested.

Thanks, and God Bless.

Splotchy

internet challenge, twitter

Internet Challenge #13

6 Comments

Hi!

A new challenge.

Find me the most banal possible Tweets you can. I mean, I want them so dull that while I am reading them I will want to stab my leg with a fork to make sure I am still alive.

They can be celebrity Tweets. They can be non-celebrity Tweets. I will want you to provide the direct link to the Tweet, not just the text of it. For people who think everything about Twitter is banal, this link may change your mind.

Not valid: Tweets by people pretending to be celebrities are not acceptable. I still feel burned for laughing at (fake) Henry Rollins for folding clothes on his bed.

Also not valid: Tweets by me — besides, my Tweets are gripping, eloquent and have flowing hair like Fabio. How could I possibly bore you? That’s not an Internet Challenge question — that was rhetorical.

Only 3 Tweets per contestant, please. One IC point per Tweet, if I deem it suitably banal.

First contestant with valid entry/entries gets an extra sparkly IC point.

I’m picking up the award for 1st place in IC points tonight. I’m spending CASH MONEY for it. I have decided the top 3 point-earners are going to win prizes.

So what are you waiting for?

YOU WANNA PRIZE YOU GOTTA MOVE YOUR THIGHS™

UPDATE:

The Imaginary Reviewer scores 2 IC points for being the first with a dull tweet, appropriately enough from Twitter user dulltweets:
“Wanted to go comb my hair so I picked up a comb. Then I changed my mind so I put it down again.”

I imagine this Twitter user might have been trying to be dull, but I did not indicate that dullness had to be unintentional for this challenge.

Flannery Alden scores 2 IC points as well for these two “celebrity” Tweets:
First MC Hammer:
“Good Morning (PST)… have a great day !!! breakfast.. Time for the fish oil, protein, fruits and veg powder, glucosamine and I’m out !!!”

Just curious, was the timezone really necessary?

Dave Matthews
“I don’t have a problem with traffic. I like it sometimes.”

This can’t really be him, can it? I find it hard to believe that anyone would unironically say this. If this Twitter account is really used by Dave Matthews, I look forward to the inevitable Tweet:

“I don’t have a problem dumping shit on people taking boat tours. I like it sometimes.”

Flannery, I couldn’t count the Jeff Ashcroft Tweet — cheesy yes, but not banal enough.

Jin provided a series of Tweets. I have whittled them down to two for 2 more IC points.

joeva25
“lets roll tar heels get it going early and often and bring home a title”

This might not be so banal if I liked sports, but I don’t like sports.

Surferdan7771
“what happened to dakota”

Couldn’t give you one for skycity96, because I actually liked the accompanying pic in the Tweet.

Couldn’t read AnnetteSmieja Tweet — she has protected her updates, possibly to prevent being ridiculed on the Internet for her banality.

I liked the Tweet of melahknee — I might rip it off later.

And, the Tweet of canuckuk is funny if the “proof read” misspelling was intentional.