Category Archives: word fun

Screw Punctuation "Rules".

According to The Blue Book of Grammar and Education:

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Rule 1: Periods and commas always go inside quotation marks, even inside single quotes.

Examples:
The sign changed from “Walk,” to “Don’t Walk,” to “Walk” again within 30 seconds.
She said, “Hurry up.”
She said, “He said, ‘Hurry up.'”

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First off, it’s nice to see the Blue Book people finally branch out from the used car market.

Secondly, I have been aware of this rule for a long time, but I just can’t stomach it in certain circumstances.

He said, “Have a nice day.”

Okay, the above sentence makes sense — I don’t mind having the period inside the quote.

The problem, however, was his definition of “nice.”

Agh! I hate it! Why is that period in the quote? The quotation marks are acting on the word! Not the sentence! Punctuation, get out of my quotes!

The problem, however, was his definition of “nice”.

Ah, my rage is receding.

I’m just announcing here, that I am not abiding by this rule foisted upon us by unaccountable grammarians!

Screw you, “jerks”!

I Sometimes Heart The British English Language

Just a short list of things I adore about the Brits and their language ways.

1. color = colour
2. elevator = lift
3. “Bangers and mash”
4. “Sticky wicket”
5. “Cheers” as an informal greeting

And things I don’t like:

1. cookie = biscuit
2. fries = chips
3. “git”
4. “shagging”
5. Any British turn-of-phrase that was popularized by the Austin Powers movies.

Moved To California


Everyone knows the phrase, jumped the shark, right?

Well, I have thought of an alternative to this phrase, and it is also from a 1970’s sitcom produced by Garry Marshall, Laverne & Shirley.

Now, the majority of visitors at Jumptheshark.com agree that the show really started sucking when they moved Laverne, Shirley and the gang from Milwaukee to California.

Then, I thought. How about this as an alternative phrase to “jumped the shark” — “moved to California”.

Here’s a sample of an exchange using this alternative catchphrase:

Person 1: Boy, E.R. really moved to California when they killed off Anthony Edwards.

Person 2: What do you mean? I think they have always shot E.R. in California, with only the occasional exteriors shot in Chicago.

Person 1: No, no, that’s not what I mean.

Misheard Lyrics, Vol 1

Often times I’ll mishear song lyrics and merrily sing the wrong words.

Even when I learn they aren’t the right words, it would take a nuclear bomb covered in salsa to get me to stop using the lyrics I first thought I heard.

So, here’s the first installment in a continuing series of lyrics that only exist in my head.

Moby – Natural Blues
What I Hear/Say
Oh no, trouble with God
Oh no, trouble with God

Actual lyrics
oh lordy, trouble so hard
oh lordy, trouble so hard

Harry Belafonte – The Banana Boat Song
What I Hear/Say
A beautiful bunch of ripe bananas
Highly deadly black tarantula

Actual lyrics
A beautiful bunch of ripe bananas
Hides the deadly black tarantula

Stiglets

I come from a long line of intentional mispronouncers. A favorite catchphrase of my dad’s is “Hope to sh*t in your mess kit!” spoken in the same context and tone of voice as “Have a nice day.” I still have no idea what the hell it means.

My dad is also big with the spoonerisms, and permanently scarred my older brother by having him learn the phrase “Chi Chi Boo Boo” when waving goodbye to a train. Needless to say, I did not fare much better than my brother.

So, I am now stuck with a habit of intentionally mispronouncing words in casual conversation.

I couldn’t find any word to describe this concept, so I’m making one up. A stiglet — an intentionally mispronounced word.

There’s really only one stiglet that I can use quite a bit, and believe me, I use it quite a bit. Click on the word to hear how it sounds coming out of my piehole.

money

The rest I use when I can, but they don’t come up that often.

fajitas
psychiatrist
pneumonia (you see where this is going don’t you?)

On very rare occasions, I’ll hear a word mispronounced and adopt it as my own. Here’s a favorite of mine:

saxophone

Ringdinging

What does somebody have to do to be a permanent fixture in one’s culture? And what’s the least amount of effort one can put forth to get this to happen?

Here’s an idea… introduce a new word into your language. “Truthiness,” for example. Right now, the Blogger spell-checker is marking “Truthiness” in this typed post as an error, but, if this word somehow survives its novelty as a satirical concept promoted by a TV comedian, and enters into the holy halls of Regular Usage, perhaps someday the spell-checker will nod, yes, no problem with that word. That seems like a pretty amazing accomplishment to me.

So, now, I present… my word that will spread like a filthy little virus — hell it might even enter the OED with balloons and party horns:

Ringdinging

So far, two definitions.

1st Definition — The act of an actor in a film or TV show, who in a line of dialogue mentions the name of the TV show or film he/she is acting in (e.g. “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”).

Character actor Dick Miller is a notorious ringdinger, and has ringdinged in at least two films that I have seen.

He uses the word “gremlins” in the Joe Dante film Gremlins, and says the words “after hours” in Martin Scorsese’s After Hours. Even when he isn’t ringdinging, I am on the edge of my seat expecting it. He played the gun shop owner in The Terminator, and when Arnold asks for a “Phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range” I always expect Dick Miller’s character to reply, “What are you, some kind of Terminator?”

2nd Definition — The act of promoting one’s self through the introduction of some lazy conceit, or a feeble twist on a preexisting novel concept.

So, by the second definition above, I myself am ringdinging in attempting to introduce the word “ringdinging” into the language.

Wow, I am the coolest loser on the planet!

F***in’ Profanity

In visiting various people’s sites ‘n blogs, the usage of profanity always sticks out at me.

Not in that I am offended by it, but I’m always interested in how people use it, particularly when they mask the word in some way.

I do this masking thing, too. Why do I do this? Maybe for the protection of the random 2nd grader that is browsing my latest love letter to Captain Beefheart, who’ll stumble upon an especially excited sentence of mine where I expound on the f***ing polyrhythm drum part.

Or, is it that the word itself looks too vulgar sitting right there staring at you?

How much mask is required? How much is too little, too much? If people know what you’re typing, even when you mask it, how is it any different?

I dunno, maybe it’s somehow the equivalent of Jon Stewart swearing on The Daily Show. You know what he’s saying, and he knows you know what he is saying, but somehow the “bleeped” presentation of the profanity is less blatant, and subdued, and maybe undercut a bit. He’s operating within some boundaries — it’s swearing with a wink and a nudge.

So, I present some mask examples, followed by some alternatives to masking.

Standard Meat ‘N Potatoes Masking
f*cking – No one is kidding anyone here.
f***ing – Hey, he could be saying “funning”.

Substitution
frigging
fecking

This isn’t very satisfying. Makes you sound like a chickensh*t.

Abbreviation
f’ing

Comes in handy sometimes. Occasionally works used in polite conversation.

Phonetic
phucking

I don’t know, something about it doesn’t work. It makes me think of ducks, and still seems like a vulgar word. If you can use this and make it work, I give respect to you.

Complete symbolic nonsense
@?#!?%!&*$%

I think of this as too reminiscent of comic books or Mad Magazine. It’s too confusing. You don’t know for sure what dirty word the person is trying to use.

Cynomolgus Monkey

From time to time I’ll look up a word online – sometimes for the definition, the spelling, the pronunciation — or, occasionally, when I just want to hear an official-sounding reading of the word “ballsy”.

Here’s some sound files I saved off for some unknown reason, which I’ll share with you now.

01. ballsy
02. chomp
03. cretin
04. crunchy
05. cynomolgus monkey
06. dickey
07. exeunt
08. finagle
09. foosball – The guy is really having fun with this one.
10. garbanzo
11. homunculus – Ah, one of my favorite words. Unfortunately, it is difficult to drop in casual conversation.
12. party pooper – I would have put the emphasis on ‘party’ rather than ‘pooper’, but that’s just me.
13. peanut
14. prima ballerina
15. sangroid
16. stanch
17. supine
18. undulate
19. Uranus (“You’re in us”)
20. Uranus (“Your anus”)

If you work in an office setting:

1. Save off a whole bunch of these kinds of sound files
2. Turn up your computer speakers
3. Pop the files into your favorite music player
4. Hit shuffle/repeat
5. Take an early lunch

Warning: This may result in early termination or a solid pummeling.

As you may be already aware, there are people who take these online sound pronunciation files to the next level.

Visit Dictionaraoke.org to see people who string together these sound files into vocals for covers of their favorite pop songs.

Now you too can know what “Rock the Casbah” sounds like if crooned by a group of dweeby dictionary pronouncers.