movies, two buck schmuck

Die Hard Or Suck Harder

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Two movies after 9:00pm this week at the LaGrange.

Knocked Up – I’d seen this and liked it in a first-run theater, but didn’t feel like seeing it again.

Live Free Or Die Hard – Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

So, it was the Die Hard movie I subjected myself to, and yes, it sucked harder than all its predecessors.

The bad guy in this movie was computer superdude Thomas Gabriel, played by Timothy Olyphant, probably most recognizable as Seth Bullock on the HBO series Deadwood, where he displayed a wide palette of emotions — agitated hostility and hostile agitation. He plays basically the same character here, except without a mustache.

Mr. Gabriel creates havoc via his team of hackers to shutdown the US, in order to get money, or teach us a lesson, or be a jerk, or something. Ah, the action movie that uses computers as a major plot device. Excepting WarGames, these movies never work.

Here’s some tips for Hollywood types thinking about making an action movie centered around computers:

1. Watching someone hit a Delete key, even if it results in an explosion causing their death, is not exciting.

2. Having a closeup shot of a cable being plugged into a USB port is not exciting.

3. Watching people sweating under pressure typing on a keyboard is not exciting.

4. Building up suspense to reveal the ultimate uber hacker (which invariably leads to a “comical” revelation that he lives in his parents’ basement) is not exciting.

5. Having that uber hacker be Kevin Smith is not exciting.

John McClain, now an unstoppable action machine, has a nerd dork in tow for the entire movie — it’s that asshead Mac guy, Justin Long! I still blame you for making me go out and buy a new wireless router, jerk!

I don’t know. I really enjoyed action movies in the 80’s where all sorts of physical laws were routinely violated by the hero, and much destruction was done to anonymous henchman, but here it just left me cold.

Bruce Willis is just such a humorless smarmy wiener, it’s impossible to enjoy this movie. And, I’m no strapping young buck, but the man’s head is approaching some sort of strange four-sided polygon shape. I’m a little concerned for the man’s health. Maybe he should eat more circles.

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True Employment Pictures

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I took my camera to work yesterday, with the half-assed idea I’d take pictures at the Chicago Cubs game I was going to later that night (they lost!).

I ended up just leaving my camera in the car, so I have no lovely photos of their loss or my drinking of much beer.

I *did* take some pictures of my work area earlier in the day. Several people have privately urged me to share photos of my workplace. Okay, no one has actually done this. But here they are!

First something to grab your attention!

If I turn around from my ‘puter, this is what I see. A guy on my team recently retired, and I moved into his “cube” with the spectacular view. I like me a starin’ window.

Old Man Programmer didn’t just leave me with the view. He also left me with this crazy-assed plant that I almost killed (plants need water, apparently).

I have a reasonably-sized section of wall dedicated to all things artistic:

On the wall I have some pics from the kiddies, as well as my previously mentioned yellowed clipping of a post-pretzel-choking Dubya.

Just below him are my cherished foreign monkey (well, chimpanzee, actually) postcards. If you ask really nicely, I’ll scan them so you can see them in their “hilarious” glory.

My bookcase (partial view)

Here’s some books I rarely look at, along with some various doodads.

Doodads
The red buddha on the left was given to me by a coworker coming back from a trip to China. The Beast and Hulk action figures were presents given to my superhero-lovin’ daughter. They turned out to be die cast, and really heavy, so I, being the anxious daddy that I am, took them to work. The snowglobe I got in Rome. It’s gradually losing water, I think probably just due to evaporation. Nestled behind the globe is Duke, the completely unnecessary and slightly disturbing mascot of Java. If you look at the bottom left of the picture, you can just make out the plastic wrestler dude that sits atop my PC, guarding it with fists raised. Lastly, I can’t remember where that lion toy came from. It’s a bonafide mystery.

Books
A lot of the books I got for free. Some I got at the various JavaOne conferences I have attended. My brother used to work for a publishing company, and he would be able to get some free programming books as well, which he’d give to me. That Idiot’s Guide To Linux is one of them. On principle, I would never spend money on a book that insults my intelligence in its title.

My favorite book out of these is Joshua Bloch’s Effective Java:

I saw Bloch give a lecture at JavaOne, basically taking samples out of his book. I liked the lecture so much I bought it.

His next book was done with Neal Gafter, called Java Puzzlers:

I didn’t like Java Puzzlers so much. It felt more like a “I know squirrelly things about Java that you don’t know, and would never be able to figure out” book. But, I did get them to autograph the book for me when I was at my last JavaOne:

I had specifically asked one of them to write “Keep On Rockin'” and the other to write “Keep On Rollin'”. I thought it was funny. They didn’t seem to think so, but obliged me.

They no longer work for Sun Microsystems — they’re bigshots at Google now. May they rock and roll and understand my sense of humor far into the future!

david blaine

David Blaine’s Blog Spectacular

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We, the humble folks at I, Splotchy are proud to announce our participation in the latest event in the eventful career of illusionist and stunt performer David Blaine.

Mr. Blaine has consented to occupying a small 1 inch square area on this blog (located on the top of the right sidebar) for two uninterrupted weeks, subsisting on nothing but pure oxygen, crackers, and filtered urine. Mr. Blaine’s liquid sustenance will be provided by the green monkey what lives in our brain (strained through cheesecloth to eliminate pollutants).

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Blaine in what we hope to be a lifetime of cooperation with I, Splotchy, where together we can provide the blogreading public the sensational, awe-inspiring whimsy it so richly deserves.

iSplotchy

Presenting the iSplotchy

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Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

I am proud to have been given the opportunity, NAY! — the honor, to present the latest entry in technological devices that will change the landscape of human existence.


The iSplotchy.

A combination of concrete, steel and nanotechnology, the iSplotchy pushes the envelope in its enrichment of the everyday banal existence of the human race.

To answer your first question, yes, of course it plays music.

The iSplotchy’s numerous concrete nanoridges are capable of storing over 17 terabytes of information.

Numerous nanoports also allow for features hitherto unseen on technological devices available to the consumer.

So you are thinking, of course I love to have fun, but where can I find a babysitter?

With its 6 GHz tri-core processors, the iSplotchy is perfectly capable of acting as a caretaker for up to 5 children, with ages varying from infant to ten years old (note: iSplotchy does not change diapers).

The iSplotchy represents a cultural revolution in the making. Even before its official release, many websites and humorous memes have sprung up spontaneously to celebrate its inception.

With a “brain” that far surpasses any organic entity on earth, its numerous features which have only begun to be discovered, this post regarding the iSplotchy is not just a product announcement. It is far more than that.

The iSplotchy is running for the office of the President of these United States. America has done far worse. Now is the time for change. Time for the iSplotchy.

that's not funny that's sick, youtube

While I’m Being All Preachy

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Ack, there have been two posts I have made thus far that I felt I were a bit too obnoxiously strident. The McDonald’s post was one of them (here’s the other).

I really need to leave the moralizing to the professionals. And they don’t get any more professional than Florrie Fisher. If she looks eerily like Amy Sedaris in Strangers With Candy, it’s no coincidence. She was the inspiration for the show.

Now, thanks to the kind folks at YouTube, and the generous people who uploaded it, here’s a moving, heartfelt documentary from Fisher and Company:

The Trip Back

(Note: If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, at least watch the Q&A in Part 3).

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

goddammit

McDonald’s And Home Invasion

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I think we are done with McDonald’s. We are most likely done with MSNBC as well.

We were on our way back from getting two out of three kids’ haircuts at the Oak Brook Mall.

We decided to stop off at McDonald’s for lunch. Now I know there are plenty of valid criticisms one can level at McDonald’s.

A friend of MizSplotchy’s loaned the book Fast Food Nation to us, and I read a bit. But then I put it down. I haven’t seen Supersize Me, the Morgan Spurlock film about how just one month of McDonald’s food had a severe impact on his health. I really have nothing to defend this avoidance I seem to have, but say I was willfully ignorant. We don’t eat it that often, but we do eat it occasionally.

Anyways, if you don’t know, McDonald’s headquarters is actually in Oak Brook, Illinois. The McDonald’s we were eating at was a more upscale restaurant (as upscale as a McDonald’s can be, I guess). You could tell that they took greater care in presenting a nice environment, because it was literally right in front of their corporate offices.

So, we get our food and sit down. There are plasma TV screens everywhere. There is one on the wall behind MizSplotchy, that my youngest son and I are directly facing. There’s a huge circular bank of televisions in the middle of the restaurant that MizSplotchy and my other two kids have a perfect view of.

It’s 12:00pm on a Saturday. The place is filled with nametagged people from some convention, and assorted families. A fair amount of young kids. Most of the televisions were tuned to the Disney Channel, which isn’t a surprise. The televisions that weren’t showing Disney were showing MSNBC.

Here’s where it gets really troubling for me. My wife noticed what they were showing on MSNBC. The sound was off, but one could see black and white security footage of what appeared to be a home invasion. Some people come in and knock a women down to the floor, by hitting her in the head with a gun. Someone shoots a gun into a person laying on the floor.

Okay, that’s just awful. It’s awful one time. But they don’t stop there. They show it again. And again. They zoom in so you can get a better look as the gun makes contact with the woman’s head.

The TV that my youngest son is directly in front of is tuned to this channel. I see my other two kids’ eyes hit upon the screens above them also tuned to MSNBC. My wife and I start getting really upset, really quickly.

She attempts to go up to tell the employees what is happening, but no one is concerned. There are customers that need food. The manager ignores her. She follows someone else and tries to get them to listen to her. She comes back and I get up. Probably about five or six minutes transpired in the time it took for us to realize what they were showing to us walking out the door. And in that time, I kid you not, this video was played at least seven or eight times. My wife and the kids headed out, as an employee was walking over with a remote control. She said she couldn’t change the channel and could only turn it off. I said, well, turn it off! I tried asking her, “Don’t you see? Don’t you see how this is not appropriate?” Then I left.

So here are my thoughts:

1. FUCK YOU, MSNBC
So, if it was September 11th, and we were seeing buildings topple and people screaming, etc., that’s one thing. I would be concerned with my kids seeing the disturbing images, etc., but it’s a world event, it’s news that needs to be told. But I tried looking up what they were showing. I don’t know what it was. I don’t know how it was relevant to anything. What were they doing replaying this video? Why were they doing it? Maybe it was worthwhile, but seeing it with the sound off and the images of brutal violence being done struck me as sensationalist garbage. On a Saturday afternoon. FUCK YOU, MSNBC.

2. FUCK YOU, MCDONALD’S EMPLOYEES
Fuck you for making me feel like an asshole for saying televised brutal violence is not appropriate on a Saturday afternoon with a room full of kids. Fuck you for not listening. Fuck you for not caring.

3. FUCK YOU, MCDONALD’S.
The employees could have reacted better, but they are running on the hamster wheel that you have built. I have no doubt that these employees have feelings, opinions and humanity, but they have to supply the almighty burger during their time with you. Anything else is grounds for termination. FUCK YOU, MCDONALD’S. And FUCK YOU for all the other reasons that so many people have documented, but I have been too chickenshit to see.

4. FUCK ME.
Fuck me for supporting this system. I’ll try to do better. I’ll try.

blogging about blogging

Vanity Plates of the 21st Century

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Shortly out of film school, I was working as an electrician on a movie that was being shot in my hometown of Springfield, Illinois. Most of the crew was from Los Angeles. I struck up a friendship with one of the electricians from L.A.

I don’t believe he had ever spent a great deal of time in the Midwest. One of his observations was the abundance of vanity plates.

The first license plate I had was a vanity plate. No, it wasn’t my name, nor was it “Splotchy” or any derivation thereof. It was a common word that I just happened to be fond of at the time. Guess what the word was if you care to (hint: it foreshadowed my career in computer programming).

Currently I read a variety of people’s blogs, and a variety of people read mine. To the best of my knowledge, the blogs I read are in the Midwest, with a few on the east coast.

Blogs seem to have a tendency to clump together, aligning themselves along lines of similar interests, political beliefs, etc. I imagine geographic region also plays a part in this interblog stickiness as well. Still, I find it curious that that in the months I have been relatively active in the blogosphere, to my knowledge I haven’t come across any west coast bloggers.

Is there a connection between the perceived prevalence of Midwestern vanity plates to a visiting Californian, and my perception of the overwhelming number of blogs in the Midwest region?

Vanity plates are essentially a very tiny expression of one’s identity, set adrift in the “autosphere” of anonymous license plates. Blogs to me in some ways seem to be a very elaborate vanity plate.

So how many of you bloggers have vanity plates on your automobile?

jung vf fcybgpul?