jukebox, that's not funny that's sick

Celebrities At Their Worst

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Oh my, you are in for a treat.

Gone are the lyrics songs from the Splotchy jukebox.

Now, we focus on Celebrities At Their Worst.

The sound clips I include here are from Nick Bougas’ collection Celebrities At Their Worst, Volumes 1 and 2. Many of these sound clips have been passed on from generation to generation (my dad has the Orson Welles bit on reel-to-reel) but this collection assembles all these golden boners on a handful of compact discs.

I have cherry-picked my favorites. Look for the jukebox on the right side of me blog to play.

I am including Bougas’ liner notes regarding each track, with occasional additional comments by yours truly.

01 – John Wayne – The Duke was well in his cups when he lazily addressed the college R.O.T.C. group on the subject of patriotism. Even if you find Wayne’s “Kill the hippies to save the country” stance unpalatable, I’ll bet you’ll be using his clever phrase “It’s regoddamnediculuous” as soon as opportunity arises [Splotchy notes: Luke Wilson’s character said this very phrase at the end of Anchorman]

02 – Col. Harland Sanders – It’s late in his career and the Ol’ Kentucky gentleman’s brain, like his chicken, is fried… here he bumbles his way through take after take of a KFC promo spot. [Splotchy notes: Negativland would use this same sound sample in the wonderful Happy Heroes EP, a companion piece to their brilliant record Dispepsi]

03 – Orson Welles – It’s three decades down the road and the creative genius who once brought the world the cinematic epic Citizen Kane is now hawking frozen battered codfish… No wonder he’s so cranky! In this voice-over session, Orson angrily fixates on grammatical usage, fusses over sentence structure and easily establishes himself as the foremost menace to audio engineers everywhere. [Splotchy notes: This sound sample also made it onto the Negativland Happy Heroes EP]

04 – Mickey Rooney – Sure, Mickey may be small in physical stature, but as this string of outtakes illustrates, his distaste for recording local promo spots looms large.

05 and 06 – William Shatner – If you thought his vocal rendition of “Mr. Tambourine Man” was pretentious, wait ’til you hear this authentic slice of studio life… If a simple bit of direction as to how to render a line of dialogue truly “sickens” Bill (as he states here), he can always whip off that curly dish-shaped “tailor topper” he sports to serve as a nifty makeshift barf bag. [Splotchy notes: A homage to both sound clips appears in the film Mystery Men]

07 – Rich “Goose” Gossage – Why are sports people so hyper? They pull down tons of cash for participating in what is generally considered healthy, leisure-styled activity yet they’re so often bitter, vile malcontents… wait ’til you hear “Goose” Gossage squawking at a roomful of reporters that have apparently ruffled his feathers.

08 – The Troggs – This is it folks! And what a “Wild Thing” it is, too… the very tape that provided the inspiration for the brilliant movie satire This Is Spinal Tap… In fact, it now sounds incredibly like a deleted scene from the film… listen as a group of just-past-their-prime Rock Stars bicker and harangue one another over a simple musical passage any chimp could handily master.

09 – Linda McCartney – Q: What do you call a dog with Wings? Yeah, yeah, we all know the answer is Linda Mac, but after hearing this cut you’ll have to reconsider that reply… Let’s face it, a dog can occasionally howl on key. Here, prima donna hubby Paul is performing a live version of the Beatle classic “Hey Jude” while tone-deaf vegetarian Linda supplies back-up vocals. The clever technician who circulated this tape has isolated Linda’s sluggish droning so we can fully savor and properly reflect on her unique contribution to the world of musical entertainment.

10 – The Beach Boys – Good ‘Ol Murray, father of the sun-worshipping Wilson brothers, Brian, Carl and Dennis, served as their producer in more ways than one… He aided immeasurably to their early success by driving them like a plantation overseer (even causing permanent damage to Brian’s hearing with a cuff to the head). However, once the lads mastered the hitmaking formula, Dad’s role was diminished (much to his consternation) as is evidenced by this remarkable session tape. Murray barges in while the group is laying down the vocal track to one of their biggest sellers. In no time at all, he manages to reek havoc upon everyone’s morale, disrupt their progress with lousy suggestions and offer countless unwelcome criticisms. One highlight features a tasty retort from Brian about only “having one good ear left” when Murray starts bellowing directions at his rebellious and inattentive brood.

music, thank you

Here’s To Music, Here’s To Our Piano

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We got a piano a few months ago. My sister-in-law had a friend in Oak Park who was looking to unload a piano. Our living room isn’t large, but there was room enough for an upright.

In my youth, I took piano lessons for about ten years (starting around when I was five). After my piano lessons ended I taught myself how to play guitar, had a brief stint at the drums, etc., but still played keyboards in a couple of rock bands.

Since my lessons stopped, I never have really taken the time to keep up my chops on the piano (honestly, it was hard enough for me to practice while I was taking lessons, being the lazy cad that I am). After we got our house, my folks offered to give us the piano that I had practiced on in my youth, but the cost of transporting it from Springfield up to our house discouraged us from taking it.

My sister-in-law’s friend was gracious enough to give us the piano for free, knowing that it was going to a loving home. We ended up just paying the moving costs, then paid to have it tuned and have some sticky keys fixed. The last time we visited my folks, I hauled back a large box of my old sheet music.

I really hadn’t felt posting about the piano until recently. I have recently started digging through some easier pieces that I used to play, and am slowly feeling the cobwebs fall away from my fingers a bit.

I have been practicing Ludwig van Beethoven’s Sonatina in F, and these practices have been some of the most pleasurable I have ever had.

I’m so excited about playing piano now. I’m so excited about having children, and seeing if they get bitten by the music bug. Our house is echoing with music-playing, and that’s a good thing.

Thank you to my sister-in-law, thank you to her friend, thank you to Mom and Dad.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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Answers and Questions

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Enclosed please find answers to the five random questions posed by Bubs:

1. You’re stuck in a flesh-eating zombie apocalypse. Would you rather deal with Romero shambling zombies who are learning to use tools and weapons, or insensible but crazy fast Dawn of the Dead remake zombies? Compare and contrast.

This is a no-brainer for me (har-di-har har).

First, I have to set something straight. I’m going to have to say that if the undead that are trying to eat your brain are moving faster than an elderly woman with a walker, THEY ARE NOT ZOMBIES.

That point aside, I’d still have to go with the slow-moving braineaters.

I would probably freeze, scared witless, when confronted by some creature barreling down at me at full speed. If it was slower, I feel I could maybe handle the situation a little better.

And if zombies were starting learn how to do complex things like handling tools and weapons, perhaps they could also be reasoned with.

2. Who’s the first female cartoon or comic book character you had a crush on?

I actually had to think about this for a while. I’d have to say it would be Black Widow, primarily from her appearances in the Marvel comic Daredevil.

Here’s a list of her many charms.
a) She has dark auburn hair.
b) She has a killer body in tight-fitting dark clothing (imagine that — a comic book superhero female character with an outrageously voluptuous body in a tight-fitting costume)
c) Her real name is Natasha and she is Russian. Superman had his weakness in Kryptonite. Mine is women with eastern-European accents. And Natasha is the absolute sexiest female name ever.

Sigh.


3. What makes your wife/girlfriend/significant other a saint in regards to her relationship with you?

“Black Widow means nothing to me, honey, I swear!”

Well, there are many praises to sing, but to answer specifically your question of what makes her a “saint”…

She is incredibly supportive. I’ll say something is important to me, and she’ll be right there helping me make it happen.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have recurring problems with anxiety. She’s very patient when I have these episodes, probably more patient than she should be.

She tolerates me, let’s face it. She’s a deep, good-hearted person.

4. Batman or James Bond?

Though I would hate to have my parents killed as a young child, I’d say Batman all the way. He’s brilliant, moody, has a great costume, and carries just a whole vibe which is so much cooler than stupid James Bond. Plus, James Bond is a tool of the man. Batman is about doing what’s right.

5. If you could do anything in the world that you wanted to do (assuming you’re not already doing it now) what would it be? For a living, for fun, whatever.

a) My liberal conscience would like me to be a public interest lawyer.
b) If I could make a living doing music, that’d be nice, though I wouldn’t want to tour a lot, being away from my family.
c) I’m not sure if I would like making a living doing the stressful job of a film director, but I suppose I could take a whack at that, too. Ditto about not being away from the family over long stretches of time.

Thanks so much for these probing questions! Now it’s my turn to ask my own set of random questions.

1. Choose one superpower: super strength, super speed, or invisibility. Explain your choice.

2. What’s the weirdest music in your collection?

3. Name a place where you never have lived, but have always thought would be a good place to settle down.

4. Have you ever seen, or been in the presence of, a ghost?

5. What should be a crime that currently isn’t? What’s currently a crime that shouldn’t be?

I am tagging:

SamuraiFrog
Tim
Manx
Jess
Mob

Bubs, feel free to answer these questions as well. I might take a whack at the ones Barbara asked you.

Love,

Splotchy

the taint wars

Goddesses Walk Among Us

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You may be unaware of the fact that goddesses walk among us.

Did you know that a recent trip to the US by ten-year-old Sajani Shakya, one of Nepal’s three highest ranking living goddesses, nearly resulted in her loss of stature of godliness?

U.S. trip costs girl living goddess title (July 3rd, 2007)

KATHMANDU, Nepal, July 3 (UPI) — Ten-year-old Sajani Shakya’s visit to the United States apparently tainted her purity, forcing her to give up her the title of Nepal’s “Living Goddess.”


Goddess cleansed of U.S. taint (July 19th, 2007)

BHAKTAPUR, Nepal, July 19 (UPI) — A 10-year-old Nepalese girl can retain her position as a living goddess despite having made a trip to the United States.

Sajani Shakya accompanied a documentary filmmaker to promote a movie about the Kumaris — prepubescent girls revered by Hindus and Buddhists in Nepal as living incarnations of a goddess.

Temple elders in Bhaktapur said the trip might have made her unclean, but they later said she would return to her life as a goddess after undergoing a ritual cleansing, the BBC reported.

dungeons and dragons, the taint wars

Reconsidering Fantasy Role-Playing

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As faithful readers of my blog will know, it is no secret that I have dabbled in the dark art of Dungeons and Dragons.

I must admit that I have been drawn again to the siren song of fantasy role-playing games (RPG).

However, I’d like to take a cautious step into the unfamiliar, blossoming world of other RPG games, to a world outside D&D, perhaps to a world without tragedy — where a gnome thief in his underpants getting bit by a rat and nearly dying is only a troubled teen’s fanciful nightmare.

At this point, I’m considering two possible options for my new RPG adventures.

I’m intrigued by RuneQuest, the RPG Royal Crown Cola to D&D’s Coke.

I have taken an interest in this particular game module.

I tremble at the description of the world I may be thrust in:

“Taint is evil. It is a corruption so deep that it warps the very plane of reality.”

I have one more fantasy RPG I am also considering — Werewolf: the Apocalypse. I am having some difficulties following the elaborate details of this wondrous game, but this particular entry caught my eye in the game’s House Rules:

Triatic Taint – This rule covers Wyrm-Taint, Wyld-Taint and Weaver-Taint. As described in the Player’s Guide to the Garou, Taint is a trait ranging between 1 and 5 dots. When sensory Gifts are used to detect Taint, the difficulty, normally left vague in the books, acts upon the following base of 9-Taint level. Thus a Fomor with 3 Taint is detected with a 6 difficulty unless other modifiers apply. STs and Assistants may determine what outside factors will affect this difficulty such as ambient triatic energies and assign a modifier at their discretion. Detecting a Gorgon is obviously much easier in the midst of a factory than in the middle of an insane asylum. Levels of Taint for various character types are listed in the FAQs relating to those character types, but a ‘generic’ possessed creature with no Autonomy trait can generally be assumed to have about 3 dots of Taint unless specified otherwise. Characters with the Touched Background also have one dot of Taint per level of the Background.

I’ll keep you informed as to my decision. As Marachi Zed Caracas, 3rd Level Ranger of Ooln once said, “T’aint a decision to be taken lightly, me lads.”

adopt-an-actor, david patrick kelly

DPK On Stage

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David Patrick Kelly spends a healthy amount of time acting on the stage.

Here are a few recent highlights.

Production: Snow In June
Dates: November 20 – December 28, 2003
Location: Loeb Drama Center, Cambridge, MA
DPK played: The Widow/The Doctor
More information:
American Repertory Theatre
Harvard Gazette article

The Widow

Production: Festen
Dates: April 9 – May 20, 2006
Location: Music Box Theatre, NYC, NY
DPK played: Poul
More information:
Broadway World

Opening Night

DPK, second from left

Production: The Glorious Ones
Dates: April 19 – May 20, 2007
Location: Pittsburgh Public Theater, Pittsburgh, PA
DPK played: Pantalone
More information:
Pittsburgh Public Theater
Creators Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty site

The Glorious Ones will have its New York premiere at Lincoln Center beginning October 11, 2007!

From what I can tell, DPK will reprise his role in the NYC run.

DPK, seated, wearing red

jung vf fcybgpul?