Meet Vernon Wells. No, not the baseball player.
Look at those puppy-dog eyes.
Sure, he’s a unstoppable force who wants to take your oil, kidnap your daughter and plug wires into his head,(?) but those are merely cries for help. He needs you.
And he’s Australian. Who doesn’t love Australians?
He can be your child, for the low, low cost of nothing. All you need is love, mate.
Hi, here’s an initial list of items, that, while I’ll probably never have the resources, desire or inclination to follow through on, doesn’t mean *you* shouldn’t.
1. Candy Conspiracy Blog
Create a blog which engages in careful, ongoing analysis of the conspiracy of the candy companies to gradually shrink the size of candy bars.
I get angry whenever I pick up a Snickers or a bag of M&M’s, and it’s noticeably smaller than one I got several months prior.
In the back of my mind, I’m always thinking, I am going to save this goddamn wrapper, so I have concrete proof of this maneuvering by these candy-pushers. Of course, I never save the wrapper.
I know Andy Rooney has done this kind of thing with coffee, but screw him.
2. Celebrity Hand Signs – Start a blog devoted to pictures of celebrities giving hand signs — the peace sign, the devil sign, the Latin Kings sign, etc.
3. Far From The Madding Boobs
Film a teenaged sex comedy where two horny adolescents addicted to Internet porn accidentally get sent back in time into the Victorian era, and spend most of their time trying to get a look at Victorian boobies. I mean, who doesn’t love Victorian boobies?
4. Hail To The Beef
Broadcast a reality show where the members of rock ‘n roll group Radiohead work at a Detroit McDonald’s. Wouldn’t you like Thom Yorke being harrassed about the amount of ice he put in a customer’s Diet Coke?
5. pure joy
A Feelies reunion already. C’mon.
I hope every father had a good Father’s Day yesterday (and to everyone else not into the Father’s Day thing, I hope you had a good Sunday).
Yesterday was better than I could have imagined.
My family picked me up in the early afternoon — I hadn’t seen the kids since Saturday morning, because I was working on a friend of mine’s short film during most of the weekend.
We went over to my father-in-law’s place and had a cookout, followed by a lovely dessert – a tasty turtle ice cream pie from Oberweiss.
There was an Atari 2600 “flashback” game hooked up down in their basement — basically a replica of the old-school Atari 2600, but with games preloaded on the system rather than cartridges you plug in. So, I got to show my twins some choice games from my youth. I played Dodge ‘Em, Combat and Outlaw with them, then let the kids play each other.
It’s embarrassing, but it was along the lines of a dad-showing-his-kid-how-to-fish moment. Really neat.
Then, back home for some unexpected presents. The kids all made me cards — my daughter drew a snowman on her card! Tres cool!
I got a smoking Casio digital watch (I’m sick of looking at my cell phone for the time), and some kicking iPod speakers.
My eldest son had a little freakout when he spilled some water on his bed as he was getting ready to go to sleep. He was tired and/or unexpectedly emotionally attached to his sport sheets. After we got his bed changed to some cartoon monkey sheets, I was able to calm him down after describing sheets I had as a child, and convinced him how cool monkey sheets really are.
After we put the kids to bed, collapsed on the couch and watched a DVR’ed Mythbusters show, we called it a night.
I dunno, just a nice day. They happen from time to time.
The first actor adoptions have gone through successfully. Many actors are now settling into their new blogosphere homes.
Still, there are so many more in need. Won’t you please help?
Below is a list of adoptions thus far. Keep in mind that I did not include any person that said in a comment, “Yeah, I’d adopt Actor X.”
Until you make the declaration of an intent to adopt on your own blog, it will not be recognized in the eyes of the law.
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THE ADOPTERS AND THE ADOPTEES
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Our apologies for only now noting the adoption of the delightful Michael Rappaport! A warm congratulations to Michael and his adopter, Ricky Shambles!
FINALLY! HE’S ADOPTED! Congrats to Scott for adopting character actor powerhouse David Warner!
Matty Boy has adopted the the adorable, gifted Amy Ryan!.
SamuraiFrog has unadopted the already once-unadopted Ashley Jensen!.
Pete has adopted the intensely gifted Vincent D’Onofrio!
Linda has adopted the sparkling Bradley Whitford!
Roger Owen Green has adopted the multi-talented Victor Garber!
Scott has adopted the dependably fantastic David Strathairn!
Congrats to SamuraiFrog who has adopted his FIFTH actor, the vivacious David Rappaport!
DGuzman has adopted the scintillating Ali Larter!
Dr MVM has started out Adopt-An-Actor Day right, embracing the exceptional Sarah Polley!
Gizmorox has adopted the eerily intense Cillian Murphy!
Blueberry has adopted the wonderfully eccentric Johnny Depp! If Blueberry could ask her adoptee to answer a question I posed to him back in May of 2007, I would be most grateful!
Open up some canned peaches! Stella has adopted Ian McShane!
Agi has adopted the incomparable Harry Dean Stanton!
DivaJood has adopted the wily Chris Cooper!
Cowboy the Cat has adopted the delightful Ron Perlman!
3vil Genius insists that 1) Shirley Manson is an actor and 2) He is adopting her. I certainly won’t stand in the way of someone so brilliant and evil.
Film festivals adopting actors? Why the heck not? Congrats to the Southern Appalachian International Film Festival and its new adoptee Amitabh Bachchan!
Dr. MVM has adopted the elegant Eva Birthistle!
Matty Boy has adopted the superb Chiwetel Ejiofor!
Was there any doubt that this was destined to happen? SamuraiFrog has adopted William December Williams!
Two more actors have found a home thanks to the kindness of Johann! — the versatile John C. McGinley and the radiant Judy Reyes!
Only one blogger could handle an adoptee that is a robot/spaceship pilot/athletic pirate. Congrats to McGone and his new little bundle of actorly joy, Alan Tudyk!
Make up another bed! DGuzman has adopted the brilliant Alan Rickman!
May the Force be with Freida Bee and her new adoptee, Mark Hamill! (We all know the tragedy that befell his previous caregivers on Tatooine).
Congratulations to the folks at the ultra-mundane, who have adopted the talented (and sadly, recently deceased) Stanley DeSantis!
Here’s some fried gold for you: Bluez has adopted Nick Frost and Simon Pegg!
The lovely Liberality has adopted Keanu Reeves!
Hoist the Jolly Roger for Cap’n Dyke, and her new adoptee Kathy Griffin!
Burgess Meredith Remembrance Day has pushed Beckeye over the edge. Say hello to her new adopted grandfather!
Johnny Yen has adopted the effervescent Lupe Ontiveros!
Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein has used the auspices of his new blog to adopt the talented Adrienne Shelly and Michèle Laroque!
Blowing Sh*t Up With Gas has adopted the actor I had to look up several times in order to spell his name properly — Colm Meaney (according to his Wikipedia entry, his Irish name is Colm Ó Maonaigh — oh sweet merciful spelling Jesus)!
Manx has adopted a second actor, the mischievous rapscallion Bill Pullman!
Henry K. Duff has adopted Hilary Duff (no relation)!
J.D. is no stranger to adoptions — he already has taken four actors under his wing. But, let’s face it, any actor *not* adopted through the auspices of this blog can (and probably will) be challenged in court. But enough veiled legal threats, please welcome his new legally-recognized adoptee, Kelly McDonald!
SamuraiFrog is a softy at heart. He has adopted Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein’s previously discarded adoptee, Ashley Jensen.
Dguzman has stepped up and adopted her second actor, the gifted and enchanting Rachel Weisz!
Say it ain’t so! Dr Monkey Von Monkerstein has unadopted two actors, Ashley Jensen and Cloris Leachman.
Reel Fanatic adopted the formerly crazed preacher from Deadwood, Ray McKinnon!
While he was at the orphanage, he picked up Ellen Page as well!
Bob has adopted the immeasurably charming Richard E. Grant!
After almost two months to the day of announcing an intent to adopt, Slave to the dogs has finally waded through the enormous red tape to bring home the blue-eyed , dashing, mustache-sporting Tom Skerritt!
The Idea Of Progress has adopted the scintillating Zooey Deschanel!
FRANK-ROCK has adopted the seductive and sophisticated Thaao Penghlis!
Matty Boy has adopted a second actor, Christopher Guest! Excepting their disposable drummers, only the bassist and keyboardist of Spinal Tap remain unadopted!
pezda has adopted Wallace Shawn? Inconceivable!
bigshoulders has adopted the backwards-talking nosrednA .J leahciM!
Glückwunsch, Julius Firefly! Er hat Jonathan M. Woodward adoptiert.
Holy frijoles! Is it true? It is?!!! Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein has adopted Shirley Henderson and Ashley Jensen, bringing up his total number of adoptees to four!
Give a tender round of applause to Matty Boy. He has adopted one of the brightest lights in the actorly constellation, Jeffrey Wright.
You said you’d like Hugo Weaving to leave you a message on your answering machine as Elrond of Rivendell? I dunno — you better first ask his new adoptive parent, dguzman.
Flannery Alden has reached out to the sweetness that is Tony Hale.
Doc has quietly adopted the sophisticated Denholm Elliott.
Dr. Zaius has adopted another actor, and this one has got a mouth on her — Mae West!
Jess has brought the living and the dead into her welcoming home. Give a wave and a smile to her new adoptees, Mary Wickes and Paul Reubens!
The big-hearted Johnny Yen has adopted a second actor — B.D. Wong! With the current trend of adoption of abbreviated-name actors, could R. Lee Ermey be next?
SamuraiFrog has totally adopted another actor — P.J. Soles!
I know, it’s sometimes overwhelming how many actors there are out in the cold, uncaring world. But when big-hearted bloggers like Becca announce not only one, but an additional actor adoption, don’t you feel like we’re all going to get through this? Oh, and say hello to her happy new family members — Rutger Hauer and Jason Isaacs!
If you think the only notable thing Boris Karloff did was stagger around the countryside scaring villagers, you’re sorely mistaken. Why not talk to his proud new adoptive parent, Dr. Zaius?
The Urban Recluse has adopted the larger-than-life Brian Thompson.
Coaster Punchman has given the weary spirit of Kim Walker a safe, loving home.
Romius T. assuming he doesn’t get struck down with a bolt of lightning for the questionable actorly vocation of his adoptee, or his intent to marry said adoptee, has adopted Kerry Howley. 
SamuraiFrog has adopted Clancy motherf*cking Brown. 
Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein wants to adopt a second actor, Cloris Leachman. Who am I to argue with our next President?
Big Orange has adopted the dreamy-eyed Bill Bixby.
Chris has adopted William Zabka. Take that, Ralph Macchio!
Deadspot has adopted the hard-working Corinne Bohrer.
After all this time, had no one snatched up Bruce Campbell yet? Well, it’s too late now, as Manx has adopted him.
Grant Miller has adopted leggy South African beauty Charlize Theron.
Beckeye has adopted Joe “Joey Pants” Pantoliano.
Kim has adopted the cute, unassuming, unmistakably awesome Jeff Daniels.
Frank Sirmarco has adopted the hairy-yet-undeniably-gifted Dan Hedaya.
Dystopia has adopted the eerie-eyed Udo Kier.
Justacoolcat has adopted the adorable Albert Finney.
Kelsi has adopted the crazy insane Klaus Kinski.
Tim has adopted David St. Hubbins, aka Michael McKean.
Bubs has adopted notorious ringdinger and prolific thespian Dick Miller.
Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein has adopted the lovely and talented Archie Panjabi.
Johnny Yen has adopted the lovely and talented M. Emmett Walsh.
Lulu has adopted all-around nice guy Bruce Altman.
GETkristiLOVE has (when her cat doesn’t divert too much attention from him) adopted Mark Harmon.
Splotchy has adopted the splendiferous David Patrick Kelly.
If anyone from E! is reading this, please consider hiring me for a catty male fashion commentator position.
Some examples of my work:
George Clooney – He looks okay in this, I guess.
Jake Gyllenhaal – That bow tie is kind of big.
David Patrick Kelly – You leave my boy alone!
Wow, did the previous Fantastic Four suck.
I borrowed a copy of the DVD (I knew well enough not to pay money to see it in a theater) and I could not even sit through the whole thing. I had to fast forward through it.
I was especially pissed off at how they completely crapped on the great villain Doctor Doom.
The movie was worse than Daredevil. It was worse than The Hulk.
If we can apply the Law of Movie Sequel’s Diminishing Returns, the new Fantastic Four movie will, improbable as it might seem, suck even harder.
This movie will follow you home from the theater, kill your family then take a dump on your kitchen floor. It will be that bad.
And they turned the Silver Surfer into a T-1000 (search the web for images of what they did to the surfer, you won’t find images of that cinematic travesty on this here blog)!
Bastards.
I had this fantastic idea on the train today. Many non-musical movies have been adapted into musicals in recent years.
It occurred to me that one of my favorite movies could be easily turned into a really fantastic musical.
I like this idea enough that this will be an ongoing project of mine.
As I come up with a song, I’ll post the lyrics.
Completed Songs:
“Presenting The Lord Humungus”
Sung by: Toady
Description: Introduces the Humungus character to the people of the oil-producing village.
He’s the Ayatollah
Of rock-and-rolla
Tastier than fizzy cola
Who, you ask? I thought I tol’ ya.
He’s the Lord Humungus
The greatest one among us
He’s got wisdom
He’s got grace
He’s got a hockey mask
On his face
You should listen to what he’s sayin’
He’s sick of all your tired delayin’
And if you don’t stop disobeyin’
There’ll be more than oil you’re payin’
So put away your pens and crayons…
[the Feral Kid’s boomerang flies in and chops off his fingers]
SONUVABITCH!
More songs:
Check back periodically, as I don’t know when inspiration will strike me to create some more songs.
I’m solid gold
I’ve got the goods
They stand when I walk
Through the neighborhoods
I’m makin’ it
I’ve got the chance
I’m takin’ it
No more, no more
Fakin’ it
This time in life
I’m makin’ it (ooh, ooh, ooh!)
Hello Uptown
Goodbye poverty
The top of the ladder
Is waiting for me
I’m makin’ it
I’ve got the chance
I’m takin’ it
No more, no more
Fakin’ it
This time in life
I’m makin’ it (ooh, ooh, ooh!)
Listen everyone here
This coming year’s gonna be my year
I’m as bad as they come
Number two to no one
I’ve got looks, I’ve got brains
And I’m breakin’ these chains
Make some room now
Dig what you see
Success is mine
‘Cause I’ve got the key
I’m makin’ it
I’ve got the chance
I’m takin’ it
No more, no more
Fakin’ it
This time in life
I’m makin’ it (ooh, ooh, ooh!)
Makin’ it (non-stop!)
Makin’ it (to the top!)
Makin’ it
I’m makin’ it
In my stupid driving game I just posted about, I included a few sound samples of me phonetically sounding out some street signs backwards.
Now, just because I’m reading them backwards certainly doesn’t mean that if you reverse the sound files, that they will be recognizably reciting the signage text.
Still, I was curious. I thought there was a good chance that my “Pots” sound sample played backwards would sound like “Stop”, seeing as I didn’t change the ‘o’ vowel sound or the consonants, and it was only one syllable.
Sure enough, it does sound quite a bit like “Stop”, although the ‘p’ sound ends a bit abruptly.
Click here for my reversed “Stop” re-reversed.
So, I gave a listen to the other sound files as well. For the most part, reversing the other sound samples (including No Parking) produced gibberish.
However, I was shocked to discover that my reversing of the words “No Parking” (I recited them as “Knee Crap On”) sounded quite strikingly like “No Parking”.
Click here to hear my reversing of the words “No Parking” re-reversed.
Weird, huh?
Today, I was walking to work when I saw someone riding a bike, wearing a POW/MIA shirt. Every day I pass by two post offices and a park that fly the POW/MIA flag.
It got me thinking. This flag has always bothered me deep down, ever since I first became aware of it. Now, I don’t wish to denigrate anyone that has an emotional attachment to the flag, but I think there is something troubling about its prevalence in the US.
According to the Department of Defense’s Defense Prisoner Of War/Missing Personnel Office, the flag is “a constant reminder of the plight of America’s POW/MIAs”.
Now, if this flag gives people comfort, that’s a good thing. Yet, I think there is an undercurrent of anger about the outcome of the Vietnam War in this flag, too. There are traces of hostility. If the US would have been seen as winning this conflict (what “winning” means in this context is very problematic), would this flag be flying everywhere in the US? I don’t think so.
I see the POW/MIA flag as an iconic symbol of the Vietnam War for many people — not necessarily due to the fact that they experienced a personal loss of someone during this conflict, but that the flag was some sort of representation of a psychic wound that the person felt was inflicted upon them. As Jimmy Carter infamously said, no apology was required to Viet Nam for the war because “the destruction was mutual”.
But, the POW/MIA symbol doesn’t begin to encapsulate the tragedy that the Vietnam War was. What about the people who didn’t go missing in action, but came back irreparably damaged?
For God’s sakes, what about the Vietnamese? They suffered deaths in the millions. They’re still suffering from the effects of chemicals used in the war. What does the flag have to say about that?
I don’t have a lot of optimism about the current conflict in Iraq. Again, we have invaded another country without provocation. Again, the conflict has been drawn out over several years, with drastic consequences for the US military, and far more drastic consequences for the civilian population of the country we are occupying.
I think winning, something we again seem to be having a great deal of trouble defining, much less achieving, is not a likely outcome. So, what will be the iconic symbol Americans grab hold of after this conflict finally sputters out?
I saw a lot of people generate their own seal for their blog at an Official Seal Generator website.
So, I made a seal for the aftermath of the war. Not funny, but I put some thought into it.
