movies, two buck schmuck

Two Buck Schmuck Reviews Hot Fuz

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I had the following options at the lovely LaGrange Theater tonight — 300, Perfect Stranger and Hot Fuzz.

I am not seeing 300. Okay, maybe I’ll see 300. If, 300 days from now, 300 is still playing at the LaGrange, I’ll see it. Maybe. Unless something else is playing.

I felt really, really obligated to see Perfect Stranger. I mean, it’s a surefire crappy thriller starring Halle Berry and Bruce Willis. It’s PERFECT for a cheap movie that I would be able to ridicule into the dirt. I actually had intended to see it last week, but I was wiped out and ended up going to bed at 8pm.

Now, Hot Fuzz is a movie that I actually had wanted to see when it came out in the first-run theaters. According to the marquee of LaGrange’s Theater 1, the movie they were showing was “Hot Fuz”. Still, I thought there was a strong likelihood it was the same movie.

I enjoyed Shaun of the Dead quite a bit, and was looking forward to seeing Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright’s tribute to the cop buddy action movie.

So, I saw it. It wasn’t a straight parody of cop buddy movies, just as Shaun wasn’t a straight parody of zombie movies. Pegg and Wright clearly have an affection for these genres, and aren’t attempting to be snarky and condescending to them for the sake of a cheap laugh. Instead, I got a sense they were unironically professing their love, albeit still with a large dollop of some good-natured satire.

Pegg plays supercop Nick Angel, who gets sent to a remote English village by his superiors in London because he makes everyone look bad by his own stellar performance. Nick Frost (Pegg’s slob roommate buddy in Shaun of the Dead) plays a local, incompetent constable Danny Butterman who is obsessed with action movies.

I felt somewhat relieved that the main characters in this film were nothing like the slackers of Shaun. For some reason, it really bothered me how lazy and worthless those characters were (I imagine it was supposed to bother me).

A lot of heavy hitters were in this film. Cate Blanchett has an uncredited cameo as Nick Angel’s former girlfriend. She plays her only scene completely in a surgical mask. Still, that lady has some damn expressive eyes! Some other notable perforers — Jim Broadbent, Timothy Dalton, Edward Woodward, Bill Nighy, director Peter Jackson as a demented Santa Claus… Stephen Merchant and Martin Freeman of the UK series The Office also show up, as does Steve Coogan. Very, very nice cast.

I laughed aloud quite a bit at this movie, something I don’t do that often while watching a film, even when I find things funny.

Some of my favorite parts were relatively gruesome. A man gets his head pulverized by a falling piece of stone from a church roof, and walks around a bit with the rock in place of his head before collapsing. Timothy Dalton has an especially enjoyable comeuppance as his chin is impaled on a miniature replica of a church. Unlike a normal action movie where he would promptly die, he faintly whispers that his injury hurts very much.

Now, I don’t intend to see only good movies at the LaGrange, because if I did I’d haveta stop calling myself a schmuck.

So, I leave you one little tidbit to tantalize you.
This was the “Coming Soon….” poster in the LaGrange’s lobby:

YEAH!

cicadas

A Brief Thought About Cicadas

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How many technological advances have happened since the last brood of cicadas emerged seventeen years ago?

It’s strange how the Internet, this large 800 pound gorilla, somehow just sat down in our living rooms, our basements, our offices, without most of us even realizing it was making itself at home. It was gradual enough that it all seemed rather natural.

Now we take it for granted, and we communicate on a daily basis with people (many of whom we have never met), and possibly even post our stray thoughts for strangers to read.

I did a search on Usenet for the earliest post discussing cicadas and dug up one from 1990 in the alt.horror group:

Ecology of Alien(s)

What will the world be like the next time the cicadas emerge?

word fun

Splotchy’s Synonyms, Vol 2

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More words I’ll probably never use in a normal conversation. Previous entry here.

1. abscissa
Definition: the horizontal coordinate of a point in a plane Cartesian coordinate system obtained by measuring parallel to the x-axis
Why I Won’t Use It: This word is for abscissies.
What I’ll Use Instead: Nothing! By the way, if samuraifrog says he has used this word in a normal everday conversaion, I’m going to have to cook up a new “Math Talker” award for him.

2. Scaramangian
Definition: of or relating to James Bond villain Francisco Scaramanga; devilishly ruthless; having a third nipple
Why I Won’t Use It: It’s hard to pronounce.
What I’ll Use Instead: Blofeldish

3. eponymous
Definition: of, relating to, or being an eponym
Why I Won’t Use It: Unclear what it exactly means, even after looking it up. Also, I fear if I used this word I could be mistaken for a pretentious rock critic and brutally tackled to the ground.
What I’ll Use Instead: I have no idea.

4. eponym
Definition: one for whom or which something is or is believed to be named; a name (as of a drug or a disease) based on or derived from an eponym
Why I Won’t Use It: Unclear what it exactly means, even after looking it up. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?
What I’ll Use Instead: Again, I have no idea.

5. fie
Definition: an interjection used to express disgust or disapproval
Why I Won’t Use It: I don’t work at Medieval Times.
What I’ll Use Instead: Eee-yawwwsh!

6. fisticuffs
Definition: a fight with the fists
Why I Won’t Use It: I dunno, I think I would just feel a little silly.
What I’ll Use Instead: fistfight

7. ostentatious
Definition: marked by or fond of conspicuous or vainglorious and sometimes pretentious display
Why I Won’t Use It: Using this word might make me appear ostentatious
What I’ll Use Instead: “Look at that person with a stick-up-the-butt”

8. pince-nez
Definition: eyeglasses clipped to the nose by a spring
Why I Won’t Use It: Because the French don’t support Our President!
What I’ll Use Instead: If this ever comes up, I suppose I could say “freedom nose spring-clipped glasses”

9. puerile
Definition: juvenile; childish; silly
Why I Won’t Use It: Too close to putrid.
What I’ll Use Instead: juvenile, childish, silly

10. gloam
Definition: twilight
Why I Won’t Use It: I dunno, I love this word. GLOAM GLOAM GLOAM.
What I’ll Use Instead: twilight

adopt-an-actor, david patrick kelly, movies

Adopt-An-Actor

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I call on the bloggers of the world to adopt an actor.

I would recommend you pick a character actor, as they are the unsung heroes of the entertainment world.

By adopting Character Actor X you are not expected to be an exhaustive resource on X, nor are you expected to have seen all movies in which X acted. No, none of that crap.

I would only ask that you promote the actor from time to time, and occasionally keep tabs on their progress (assuming he or she isn’t dead). If you want to do it up nice, make a l’il space on your blog where you can have a picture of them.

Now that we have that out of the way, if you’re thinking about adopting David Patrick Kelly, FORGET IT. I have adopted him.

David Patrick Kelly is the best part of a lot of movies that he has acted in. His first movie role was in The Warriors where he delivered the immortal line “Warriors, come out to play-ee-ay!”

Directors Walter Hill and Spike Lee cast Mr. Kelly on a regular basis.

He’s got this knack for being very natural, no matter how cheesy the lines he’s given, whether it’s in sorta silly sci-fi movie Dreamscape or the wonderful Ahnold movie Commando.

I had thought up until today that Mr. Kelly was the person who fired the gun that killed Brandon Lee during the filming of The Crow, but after doing a little bit of research it appears that it was another actor that pulled the trigger.

This makes me feel better.

This is the first post devoted to my adoptee, but not the last.

Go, David, Go!

rock 'n roll

I Would Like My Audition Tape Back, Please

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When the Smashing Pumpkins were getting ready to tour in support of their album “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness”, they placed an ad in the Chicago Reader looking for a keyboardist.

I wasn’t that familiar with their music — I knew a couple people who were really into the Pumpkins in college, but at that point from what had I heard of their music I didn’t strongly like or dislike them.

I thought it might be cool to play keyboards on a large tour with an established band, so I (like probably hundreds of other aspiring musicians) gave it a shot.

The instructions in the ad were to submit a demo cassette to an address, so I went through some tapes of practices with a couple bands I played keyboards for, picked out the best parts, and assembled them into twenty minutes of material.

In an attempt to make my tape pop out at them, I asked my brother, who is a very good cartoonist, to make up a cover for me. He graciously did this, and off the tape went into the mail.

Well, no call ever came. I was scanning the local papers for progress of the ongoing keyboardist search. I believe I saw a brief interview with guitarist James Iha who said that they received a lot of crappy tapes. He was kind of an a**hole about it, if I remember correctly.

I wouldn’t presume to say that my audition tape was the best tape submitted, or that I was the most talented keyboardist to try getting on this tour. However, I certainly think I would have had no problem filling their keyboardist slot. I don’t need to argue my position here, though.

The Pumpkins ended up filling the spot with Jonathan Melvoin, who in the middle of the Melon Collie tour promptly overdosed on heroin and died while hanging out with fellow drug user and Pumpkins drummer Jimmy Chamberlin.

As a result of Melvoin’s death, Chamberlin was fired from the Pumpkins (though later on Billy Corgan rehired him, and he is currently the only other original member in the newly-reformed band).

There are a few conclusions I am going to draw from this sequence of events:

1. The Pumpkins probably didn’t hear my cassette tape.
2. If they did hear the audition tape, they probably made fun of it.
3. Jonathan Melvoin, an already established professional musician, probably did not submit an audition tape.
4. Jonathan Melvoin was probably not a good choice of a keyboardist to bring on tour, unless you want a tour that involves a drug O.D. and firing 1/4 of your band.

If I, through some freak circumstance, was instead the person picked to tour with the Pumpkins, the biggest trouble I would probably have gotten into would be to eat too many cheese waffle fries. And how bad is that, honestly?

Someone I work with overheard a recent conversation with Corgan and a fan at a restaurant. Apparently there is a new album coming out in July of this year.

Now that the Pumpkins are revving up again, I feel like it’s an appropriate time for to me ask.

Can I get my audition tape back now?

Please?

career retrospectives, movies, two buck schmuck

Al Pacino, Master Thespian

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You’ve been an actor all your life, devoting yourself to your craft.

If you’re lucky, you are revered for your works and accomplishments.

If you’re unlucky, some snarky blogger with no business critiquing others will copy and paste your IMDB page and insult your career.

Congratulations, Al Pacino. You have been selected for a Two Buck Schmuck Career Retrospective ™!

Deadly Circle of Violence (1968) TV Episode
Didn’t see it.

“N.Y.P.D.”
Wuzzah? Sorry, didn’t see it.

Me, Natalie (1969)
Me, no see it.

Out of It (1969)
Me: Can I see this movie? Them: Sorry, we’re out of it.

The Panic in Needle Park (1971)
This is what put the Pachinko Radinko on the map. Didn’t see it.

The Godfather (1972)
Hey, I like this movie! Mr. Pacino shoots Sterling Hayden in the neck, speaks Italian and wears a bowler hat. He’s good in this.

Scarecrow (1973)
Supposedly a good character study with Pacman and Gene Hackman. Haven’t seen it.

Serpico (1973)
I like this movie. Al is good in this, too. He has quirky hippie clothes when he’s an underground cop, owns a cute sheepdog and sports a full beard.

I think they should issue plush dolls for this movie. Y’know, for the kids.

The Godfather: Part II (1974)
I haven’t seen this in ages, but I liked it when I saw it. A little known fact about the scene between Michael Corleone and Fredo — they tried different body parts before settling on “Fredo, you broke my heart!” There’s an easter egg on the 30th Anniversary DVD edition in which you can see deleted scenes where Michael says “Fredo, you broke my pancreas!” and “Fredo, you broke my uvula!”

Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
So starts the scenery chewing. I still like this movie. I like Pacino in this, and I like his interplay between him and John Casale, Chris Sarandon and Charles Durning.

Bobby Deerfield (1977)
Some crappy car racing movie, right? I haven’t had the pleasure.

“The Godfather Saga” (1977) (mini)
This doesn’t count. Next!

…And Justice for All. (1979)
Saw a little bit of it. It sucked. Pacino wasn’t much better.

Cruising (1980)
Haven’t seen it, but I’ve definitely snickered at stills from the movie a few times.

Author! Author! (1982)
Due to the miracles of pay television in the 80’s, I probably have seen this movie more than any other Pacino movie. Scary, huh? He’s actually not that bad in it. Something in its favor — Eric Gurry plays one of his kids. Eric G.’s next movie would be the Sean Penn prison movie Bad Boys, where he blows the face off of Carnivale and Highlander bad guy Clancy Brown with a homemade explosive. Was that a tangent I just wandered down?

Scarface (1983)
I dunno, overacting in a Spanish accent is very similar to overacting with a New Yawk accent, isn’t it? Still, haveta always catch the chainsaw scene when I come across this movie on TV.

Revolution (1985)
Probably a sucky movie. I saw a clip of Pacino pontificating and that was all I needed to see.

Sea of Love (1989)
Supposedly a bright star in Pacino’s 80’s repertoire. I — wait for it — haven’t seen it.

The Godfather: Part III (1990)
Terrible film. Performance not so good, and the crappy old guy makeup they put him in at the end didn’t help.

Frankie and Johnny (1991)
I actually saw it at a cheap theater. I guess he was okay, I guess. Skippable movie.

The Godfather Trilogy: 1901-1980 (1992) (V)
Didn’t I already comment on the Godfather movies?

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Pacino in a David Mamet-written film makes his acting a little less conspicuous. He was fine in this. This whole movie is a little too show-offy for the actors to my taste — particularly Kevin Spacey and Ed Harris. I liked Jack Lemmon, though.

Scent of a Woman (1992)
I paid to see this in the theater. Why? I have no idea. I think it’s like 5 hours long, and Pacino is really, really terrible as a blind a-hole. But, this film did give us the interjection “HOO-ah!”

Carlito’s Way (1993)
Crappy Brian De Palma movie. Sean Penn is worse in this than Pacino is. The whole movie is cliched, but Pacino isn’t awful in it.

Two Bits (1995)
A customer of my Dad’s movie auction wrote this. He was the guy who adapted the screenplay for Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho as well. Haven’t seen it, though Pacino does look a little silly in his old guy makeup (see Godfather III above).

Heat (1995)
This Michael Mann movie was a little long, but I liked it, mostly for the stuff with Robert DeNiro’s gang. Al Pacino is sucky in this as a gum-chewing cop. One of my favorite bad Pacino lines is in here. Pacino’s cop is talking to Hank Azaria’s character about his girlfriend. I can’t do the line justice in print, but he says, “She’s got a great Big ASSSSSSS! And you’ve got your HEAD…. all the WAY… UP IT!!!” Azaria just gives Pacino a “what the f*ck?” kinda expression after this. I read somewhere that this was a line Pacino had improvised, which would explain the genuine confused and disgusted look on Azaria’s face.

City Hall (1996)
Probably sucky? Didn’t see it.

Donnie Brasco (1997)
I saw this in the theater. I thought Pacino was understated, but not particularly good. This movie was boring.

The Devil’s Advocate (1997)
Al Pacino? As the Devil? Should we even ask him to tone it down?

The Insider (1999)
I haven’t seen it since its release, but I really liked it. I remember being really impressed with Russell Crowe’s performance. Pacino was okay, but the only thing that sticks in my head for him is “ARE YOU A BUSINESSMAN OR ARE YOU A NEWSMAN???!!”

Any Given Sunday (1999)
Al Pacino? As a pro football coach? Should we even ask him to tone it down? To be fair, I have only seen pictures of this movie, not the movie itself.

Chinese Coffee (2000)
Huh? What is this?

Insomnia (2002/I)
Saw it. Blah blah blah.

S1m0ne
Saw 5 minutes of it. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

People I Know (2002)
Didn’t see it.

The Recruit (2003)
Boring thriller. At one point, Pacino says “You have to admit, I’m a scary judge of talent.” I thought he should shorten it to, “You have to admit, I’m a scary.”

Gigli (2003)
I obeyed the hype and shunned this movie. It’s probably a diamond in the rough, no?

The Merchant of Venice (2004)
I saw a little of this. It was okay.

Two for the Money (2005)
I stayed away. Did you?