Cicada Update – The Courtship Begins

Despite being absent from my blog for a week or so, cicadas are still very much a part of our lives.

The main thing we’re experiencing now is the extreme volume of the male cicadas, who are generating noises in order to attract females.

The sound is not deafening everywhere, but can get quite loud when you’re under a tree that’s particularly thick with them. The cicadas are generally only making noise during the day — it’s quiet at night (perhaps a little too quiet?)

Even when you’re not very near a tree full of cicadas, there is a kind of eerie background noise in Brookfield, similar to the sound of the alien ships in the 1953 War of the Worlds. According to its trivia page, the spaceship noises in the movie were actually created by backwards electric guitars (maybe cicadas playing backwards electric guitars?).

Your Own Personal Profanity

Do you have a phrase that has at least something profane in it, that you have adopted as something near and dear to you?

A foul phrase that you carry some affection for?

Here’s mine.

In the mid-90’s, I was puttering about on a text-based virtual world called LambdaMOO with my brother.

One of the sorta cool things about this world was that individual users could construct environments — rooms, outside spaces, etc., and have them link together, which you could then travel about as if they were real physical spaces. Keep in mind that this *was* a text-based world, so really you were just reading someone’s description of a room or place, not seeing any visual representation of it.

My brother and I were wandering around, when we came to a place where its description was not in English.

I then said: “It’s in fucking French.”

This phrase has stuck with me over the years, and makes me smile on the inside when I think it after seeing something written in French.

Anyone care to share their own pet swear words or phrases?

We Are The Village Green Preservation Society

We are the Village Green Preservation Society
God save Donald Duck, Vaudeville and Variety

We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties

Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do?

We are the Draught Beer Preservation Society
God save Mrs. Mopp and good Old Mother Riley

We are the Custard Pie Appreciation Consortium
God save the George Cross and all those who were awarded them

We are the Sherlock Holmes English Speaking Vernacular
Help save Fu Manchu, Moriarty and Dracula

We are the Office Block Persecution Affinity
God save little shops, china cups and virginity

We are the Skyscraper Condemnation Affiliates
God save tudor houses, antique tables and billiards

Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do?

We are the Village Green Preservation Society
God save Donald Duck, Vaudeville and Variety

We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties

God save the Village Green

Some Stupid With A Lawsuit

I saw this posted on SlashDot earlier this week.

Music publishers are stepping up their campaign to remove guitar tablature from the Net. Recently Guitartabs.com received a nastygram from lawyers for the National Music Publishers Association and The Music Publishers Association of America. These organizations want to stretch the definition of their intellectual property to include by-ear transcriptions of music. Guitartabs.com is currently not offering tablature while the owner evaluates his legal options.

Here’s a link to the story.

I just want you to know, if someone asks you for the main riff to Deep Purple’s “Smoke On The Water”, and you say…

e|———-|————|———-|——-
B|———-|————|———-|——-
G|–0–3–5-|–0–3–6-5-|–0–3–5-|–3–0-
D|–0–3–5-|–0–3–6-5-|–0–3–5-|–3–0-
A|———-|————|———-|——-
E|———-|————|———-|——-

…just don’t tell them you got the info from me.

YouTube As An Interesting Blog Detector

Thought I’d share what I’ve found to be a nice way of finding people with similar interests to my own. I’m not talking about finding ideological and aesthetic clones of myself (though wouldn’t that be peachy?), but rather people having similar eclectic tastes that might turn me onto new stuff, and who also might appreciate getting turned onto new stuff I might suggest.

YouTube at this point is a pretty nice warehouse for interesting video clips of questionable legality, and has the capability of acting as a connector for people interested in the same topics.

Let’s say you’re looking on YouTube for a clip of something you’re interested in — experimental filmmaker Standish Lawder’s film Necrology, for example.

There is a “Links” link you can you click on to see who has linked to the video (Jesus Christ, can someone please find me a synonym for “link” already?).

This can provide an interesting gateway into blogs you know nothing about, but whose typists most likely have interests that overlap your own.

Hey, it looks like some “isplotchy” blog links to this video. Wow, I bet whoever is behind *that* blog is quite the interesting and sexy fellow.

Top Five Or Six Shows

I’m continuing a mutant variant of a meme I already answered, but was changed by Skyler’s Dad and then propagated by Johnny Yen.

Here’s my favorite live shows I have attended, in no particular order.

1. Os Mutantes – Pitchfork Music Festival – 07/2006 – Chicago, IL
This was the last music show I attended. My folks were gracious enough to drive up to our house and babysit our kids so my wife and I could attend this full day event. I enjoyed this show for a lot of reasons. For one, it was just great to get out, have some beers and relax in the warm summer day. Another nice thing was I was able to hang out with my friend Lance, who used his vacation to leave his current residence of Japan to visit friends and family in the US. And, not to forget, Os Mutantes, a band I only recently discovered — a band that had broken up in the early 1970’s. I read somewhere that Kurt Cobain tried to cajole Os Mutantes into reforming so they could open up for Nirvana in Brazil, but alas, it didn’t happen. They put on a helluva show that night, lots of energy and fun.

2. Television – Cabaret Metro – 05/2001 – Chicago, IL
Here’s another band that was over and done before I discovered their music. I believe Ira Kaplan of Yo La Tengo was the man responsible for getting these guys together to play in Chicago. I saw Ira and the other Yo La Tengo folks up in the balcony of the Metro during the show. It was wonderful seeing Television close up, and hearing the great guitar-playing of Tom Verlaine and Richard Lloyd. Lloyd broke a string during their epic song “Marquee Moon” which eventually aborted the song. I was wondering if he was being passive-aggressive, as he had at least a couple guitars available to use. Either way, a great show.

3. Lambchop/Yo La Tengo – Cabaret Metro – 03/2000 – Chicago, IL
This was dubbed “An Evening With Yo La Tengo”. The Metro, which usually has a large open area in front of the stage, had rows of folding chairs laid out for this show. I actually went to the show more for Lambchop than Yo La Tengo. I had stumbled across Lambchop’s music in a weekly scan of the used bins at my neighborhood record store. There were over ten people on stage for Lambchop (it’s a big, country-western/Curtis Mayfield-inspired concern). They were really fantastic, humble and just having a wonderful time playing their music. Then, Yo La Tengo came out and were also in terrific spirits, with lots of interaction with the crowd, ribbing them about Chicago-related stuff. They were happy to be there, and put on a nice, casual-kinda show. David Kilgour of The Clean was playing as supporting guitarist for Yo La Tengo on their tour. They did The Clean song “Billy Two” and afterwards Ira asked David, “Who wrote that song?” to which David replied, “I did.” Near the end of Yo La Tengo’s set the guys from Lambchop got on stage and supported them on a cover of the Beach Boys’ song “Little Honda”. After the show was done, I saw Lambchop’s drummer hanging out in the lobby of the Metro. I went up and talked to him for 15-20 minutes while the bouncers were pushing everyone outside. A nice guy, a nice group of musicans, a nice night.

4. John Fahey – Unity Temple – Oak Park, IL
The Unity Temple, an impressive building designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, has concerts from time to time that are used to finance the building’s restoration and upkeep. I was lucky enough to see a great performance by guitar hero John Fahey. I can’t really adequately describe the combination of the music with the location in which I was seeing the show. It was just Fahey and his guitar in this amazing space. Jim O’Rourke was also present at a small mixing board, occasionally twiddling knobs. After the concert was over and my wife and I were headed home on the Eisenhower expressway, we were in the process of passing a crappy compact car on the right. I glanced over and saw John Fahey riding in the passenger seat. Jim O’Rourke was driving. For some reason, I screamed “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” at the top of my lungs at them, and pumped my fist out the window. Fahey gave me a little wave and we sped on into the night.

5. Low/Luna – Rod McKuen’s Birthday – St. Louis, MO
Luna was touring for their second album, Bewitched. At the time, I was attending Southern Illinois University in Carbondale. Some friends of mine and I drove up to St. Louis for the show. The club was much smaller than I was expecting. We got in very early, and grabbed a table right in front of the small stage. I mean, like literally 1-2 feet from the stage. I never was able to see my all-time favorite band, The Feelies, in person, but I sat and watched as their former drummer Stanley Demeski started carting in his drums and set them up. Dean Wareham dragged in his amp, with “GALAXIE 500” still stenciled on it. It was a great show, despite some technical difficulties that Mr. Wareham seemed greatly perturbed by. It was an intimate enough venue that my friends and I went up after the show and talked with the band members. A friend of mine mentioned to Dean that it was Rod McKuen’s birthday (Dean name-checked Mr. McKuen on the opening song on Bewitched). One of the guys with us asked Stanley what it was like being in The Feelies — he replied, “They were difficult people to work with,” and repeated this sentence several times as he was asked to elaborate on that comment.

6. Warrant / Ted Nugent / KISS – Rockford, IL
What the hell, I’ll go for six. I really loved Kiss when I was a kid, and when a coworker of mine said he had an extra ticket a couple years ago, I jumped at the chance to see them live. I rode in a minivan with my coworker (a really nice guy who is very, very funny), his sister, his sister’s metal dude husband, and two other metal dudes. It was really great being on a trip where I was sort of stepping outside of my usual experience. I stayed outside for the Sebastian Bach-less Warrant (I think Mr. Bach was on Broadway at that time, wow-ing audiences with his performance in Phantom of the Opera). I did catch the full performance of the Nuge, which was every bit offensive as I assumed it would be. A sample line — “if you don’t like [whatever stupid thing I’m saying about America], you can get the f*** out!!!” I did dig his final song, “Loaded For Bear”, which ended with him shooting a flaming arrow into his guitar. The stuff he did with the Amboy Dukes is actually pretty good. Then, Kiss! Of course it was a synchronized, rigid performance with no wiggle-room for spontaneity, but it was Kiss! Plus, Paul Stanley rode on a metal ring over my head to sing a song in the middle of the audience. WOooo!

The Finest Michael Stipe Has Been Engaged

Here’s another song, “Duck Bill M” that Tim and I did.

–>Click to hear
It’s being posted primarily for R.E.M. superfan Beth.

Tim’s on the geetar and the background vocals. I’m on lead vocals and the sound effect keychain.

We were both listening to a lot of R.E.M. at the time — mostly Life’s Rich Pageant, Green and Document. The music is an obvious swipe from Pageant’s “Swan Swan H”.

The song originated when at some point we got started talking about common words and phrases singer Michael Stipe uses, and spontaneously decided to compose a song as both a tribute and a gentle ribbing to his lyrical style.

Enjoy! (or don’t!)

Duck Bill M

I shaved my body hair
In my room
It’s beautiful to me

I can’t go anywhere
With outdoor plumbing
But I’m far too cold
To stoop to thumbing

This handle’s been frozen
In the ground
For a million years

I shrunk the world to care
And it’s not
A mean idea

This is the finest brand
Of mineral water
And though it’s dark and cold
I’m still hotter

This handle’s been frozen
In the ground
For a million years

Oh ho ho
Oh ho ho
Oh ho ho

I shaved my body hair
In my room
It’s beautiful to me

I can’t go anywhere
With outdoor plumbing
But I’m far too cold
To stoop to thumbing

This handle’s been frozen
In the ground
For a million years

Two Buck Schmuck: A Celebration

Wow, all the Two Buck Schmuck columns at my fingertips?

Yes. Yes, they are.

========================================
MOVIE REVIEWS
========================================
January 16th, 2011 – The Social Network
I have no idea what happened in this review. I went batshit crazy.

November 24th, 2009 – Couples Retreat
As soon as I recover from how bad this movie was, I’ll think of something amusing to put here.

November 19th, 2009 – Law Abiding Citizen
What did it take me to get me back to the LaGrange? Apparently, a shirtless Gerard Butler.

June 19th, 2009 – Obsessed
Beyoncé punches marital difficulties in the throat.

May 15th, 2009 – Adventureland
Contrary to popular belief, it is not a cinematic adaptation of the Atari 2600 game Adventure.

November 26th, 2008 – Eagle Eye
What’s that smell? Oh, it’s this movie.

October 28th, 2008 – Righteous Kill
Finally, a dream of mine comes true. DeNiro and Pacino in a shitty movie together!

September 24th, 2008 – Get Smart
Get Stupid is more like it. AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!!

June 27, 2008 – Iron Man
Director Jon Favreau evokes my irrational, bitchy wrath by his mere existence.

June 16, 2008 – 88 Minutes
Al Pacino hits another one out of the park. And by out of the park, I mean a foul ball that kills a stray kitten.

April 30, 2008 – The Bank Job
Not to be confused with The Italian Job or The Bank Dick.

April 12, 2008 – Juno
I didn’t like this movie. Honest to blog!

March 26, 2008 – National Treasure: Book Of Secrets
The Book Of Secrets, As Seen In A Crappy Movie

February 21, 2008 – The Golden Compass
I’m suffocating from all the whimsy!

January 31, 2008 – The Darjeeling Limited
It’s cute, it’s precious, it’s altogether wretched.

November 21, 2007 – Halloween (2007) with addendum
Look Helen, there’s a seven foot tall man wearing a mask and covered in blood, holding a big knife and walking down the street. Do you think we should call someone?

November 13th, 2007 – The Brave One
Jodie Foster’s boring as hell and she’s not going to take it anymore.

October 28th, 2007 – The Bourne Ultimatum
Most likely, this is the only review of the latest Bourne movie that starts with a magic wall guarded by a geezer and a star falling from the sky.

October 18th, 2007 – Death Sentence
Watch out, Kevin Bacon is gettin’ MAD!

October 7th, 2007 – Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
The magic of sitting in an uncomfortable seat for 2+ hours.

October 4th, 2007 – The Invasion / Transformers (partial)
A main course of vomiting pod people, followed by a small dessert of CGI robots with attitude.

September 19th, 2007 – Live Free Or Die Hard
Do you think Bruce Willis will save the day? Do we dare to dream?

September 12th, 2007 – 1408
The fear of sharing a hotel room with John Cusack for an hour and a half.

August 28th, 2007 – Ocean’s Thirteen
Some superstitious people view the number 13 with dread, which now makes perfect sense to me.

July 24th, 2007 – Hostel: Part II
Life imitates art, as the Schmuck is violently pelted with cherries.

July 17th, 2007 – Spider-Man 3
The Schmuck dons the sweat-soaked red and blue tights.

June 27, 2007 – Fracture
Wake me up for the scene where Ryan Gosling wears a Starved Rock t-shirt.

June 18, 2007 – Wild Hogs
What’s funnier than Tim Allen riding a motorcycle? Plenty.

June 13, 2007 – Hot Fuzz
The Schmuck is in luck to see a movie that doesn’t suck.

May 31st, 2007 – Shooter
Introductions, declaration of purpose, Mark Wahlberg shooting people in the head.

========================================
CAREER RETROSPECTIVES
========================================

Al “Bug Eyes” Pacino

Joel “Shitty” Schumacher

Kevin “Makin'” Bacon

========================================
BEFORE HE WAS THE SCHMUCK
========================================

Reviews at Chicago’s Davis Theater

You Can Give Up The Shutter Click

Hi, I just want to tell you, it’s okay.

You don’t have to use a “shutter click” sound on your digital camera or cellphone when you take a picture.

There are not mechanical doodads making that noise. It’s just a sound sample.

Here, try clicking on this: –> camera shutter sound
Did you hear a shutter clicking? Do you think your computer just photographed you?

Actually, in this case it did. I hope you were wearing clothes.