I Would Like My Audition Tape Back, Please

When the Smashing Pumpkins were getting ready to tour in support of their album “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness”, they placed an ad in the Chicago Reader looking for a keyboardist.

I wasn’t that familiar with their music — I knew a couple people who were really into the Pumpkins in college, but at that point from what had I heard of their music I didn’t strongly like or dislike them.

I thought it might be cool to play keyboards on a large tour with an established band, so I (like probably hundreds of other aspiring musicians) gave it a shot.

The instructions in the ad were to submit a demo cassette to an address, so I went through some tapes of practices with a couple bands I played keyboards for, picked out the best parts, and assembled them into twenty minutes of material.

In an attempt to make my tape pop out at them, I asked my brother, who is a very good cartoonist, to make up a cover for me. He graciously did this, and off the tape went into the mail.

Well, no call ever came. I was scanning the local papers for progress of the ongoing keyboardist search. I believe I saw a brief interview with guitarist James Iha who said that they received a lot of crappy tapes. He was kind of an a**hole about it, if I remember correctly.

I wouldn’t presume to say that my audition tape was the best tape submitted, or that I was the most talented keyboardist to try getting on this tour. However, I certainly think I would have had no problem filling their keyboardist slot. I don’t need to argue my position here, though.

The Pumpkins ended up filling the spot with Jonathan Melvoin, who in the middle of the Melon Collie tour promptly overdosed on heroin and died while hanging out with fellow drug user and Pumpkins drummer Jimmy Chamberlin.

As a result of Melvoin’s death, Chamberlin was fired from the Pumpkins (though later on Billy Corgan rehired him, and he is currently the only other original member in the newly-reformed band).

There are a few conclusions I am going to draw from this sequence of events:

1. The Pumpkins probably didn’t hear my cassette tape.
2. If they did hear the audition tape, they probably made fun of it.
3. Jonathan Melvoin, an already established professional musician, probably did not submit an audition tape.
4. Jonathan Melvoin was probably not a good choice of a keyboardist to bring on tour, unless you want a tour that involves a drug O.D. and firing 1/4 of your band.

If I, through some freak circumstance, was instead the person picked to tour with the Pumpkins, the biggest trouble I would probably have gotten into would be to eat too many cheese waffle fries. And how bad is that, honestly?

Someone I work with overheard a recent conversation with Corgan and a fan at a restaurant. Apparently there is a new album coming out in July of this year.

Now that the Pumpkins are revving up again, I feel like it’s an appropriate time for to me ask.

Can I get my audition tape back now?

Please?

Al Pacino, Master Thespian


You’ve been an actor all your life, devoting yourself to your craft.

If you’re lucky, you are revered for your works and accomplishments.

If you’re unlucky, some snarky blogger with no business critiquing others will copy and paste your IMDB page and insult your career.

Congratulations, Al Pacino. You have been selected for a Two Buck Schmuck Career Retrospective ™!

Deadly Circle of Violence (1968) TVĀ Episode
Didn’t see it.

“N.Y.P.D.”
Wuzzah? Sorry, didn’t see it.

Me, Natalie (1969)
Me, no see it.

Out of It (1969)
Me: Can I see this movie? Them: Sorry, we’re out of it.

The Panic in Needle Park (1971)
This is what put the Pachinko Radinko on the map. Didn’t see it.

The Godfather (1972)
Hey, I like this movie! Mr. Pacino shoots Sterling Hayden in the neck, speaks Italian and wears a bowler hat. He’s good in this.

Scarecrow (1973)
Supposedly a good character study with Pacman and Gene Hackman. Haven’t seen it.

Serpico (1973)
I like this movie. Al is good in this, too. He has quirky hippie clothes when he’s an underground cop, owns a cute sheepdog and sports a full beard.

I think they should issue plush dolls for this movie. Y’know, for the kids.

The Godfather: Part II (1974)
I haven’t seen this in ages, but I liked it when I saw it. A little known fact about the scene between Michael Corleone and Fredo — they tried different body parts before settling on “Fredo, you broke my heart!” There’s an easter egg on the 30th Anniversary DVD edition in which you can see deleted scenes where Michael says “Fredo, you broke my pancreas!” and “Fredo, you broke my uvula!”

Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
So starts the scenery chewing. I still like this movie. I like Pacino in this, and I like his interplay between him and John Casale, Chris Sarandon and Charles Durning.

Bobby Deerfield (1977)
Some crappy car racing movie, right? I haven’t had the pleasure.

“The Godfather Saga” (1977) (mini)
This doesn’t count. Next!

…And Justice for All. (1979)
Saw a little bit of it. It sucked. Pacino wasn’t much better.

Cruising (1980)
Haven’t seen it, but I’ve definitely snickered at stills from the movie a few times.

Author! Author! (1982)
Due to the miracles of pay television in the 80’s, I probably have seen this movie more than any other Pacino movie. Scary, huh? He’s actually not that bad in it. Something in its favor — Eric Gurry plays one of his kids. Eric G.’s next movie would be the Sean Penn prison movie Bad Boys, where he blows the face off of Carnivale and Highlander bad guy Clancy Brown with a homemade explosive. Was that a tangent I just wandered down?

Scarface (1983)
I dunno, overacting in a Spanish accent is very similar to overacting with a New Yawk accent, isn’t it? Still, haveta always catch the chainsaw scene when I come across this movie on TV.

Revolution (1985)
Probably a sucky movie. I saw a clip of Pacino pontificating and that was all I needed to see.

Sea of Love (1989)
Supposedly a bright star in Pacino’s 80’s repertoire. I — wait for it — haven’t seen it.

The Godfather: Part III (1990)
Terrible film. Performance not so good, and the crappy old guy makeup they put him in at the end didn’t help.

Frankie and Johnny (1991)
I actually saw it at a cheap theater. I guess he was okay, I guess. Skippable movie.

The Godfather Trilogy: 1901-1980 (1992) (V)
Didn’t I already comment on the Godfather movies?

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Pacino in a David Mamet-written film makes his acting a little less conspicuous. He was fine in this. This whole movie is a little too show-offy for the actors to my taste — particularly Kevin Spacey and Ed Harris. I liked Jack Lemmon, though.

Scent of a Woman (1992)
I paid to see this in the theater. Why? I have no idea. I think it’s like 5 hours long, and Pacino is really, really terrible as a blind a-hole. But, this film did give us the interjection “HOO-ah!”

Carlito’s Way (1993)
Crappy Brian De Palma movie. Sean Penn is worse in this than Pacino is. The whole movie is cliched, but Pacino isn’t awful in it.

Two Bits (1995)
A customer of my Dad’s movie auction wrote this. He was the guy who adapted the screenplay for Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho as well. Haven’t seen it, though Pacino does look a little silly in his old guy makeup (see Godfather III above).

Heat (1995)
This Michael Mann movie was a little long, but I liked it, mostly for the stuff with Robert DeNiro’s gang. Al Pacino is sucky in this as a gum-chewing cop. One of my favorite bad Pacino lines is in here. Pacino’s cop is talking to Hank Azaria’s character about his girlfriend. I can’t do the line justice in print, but he says, “She’s got a great Big ASSSSSSS! And you’ve got your HEAD…. all the WAY… UP IT!!!” Azaria just gives Pacino a “what the f*ck?” kinda expression after this. I read somewhere that this was a line Pacino had improvised, which would explain the genuine confused and disgusted look on Azaria’s face.

City Hall (1996)
Probably sucky? Didn’t see it.

Donnie Brasco (1997)
I saw this in the theater. I thought Pacino was understated, but not particularly good. This movie was boring.

The Devil’s Advocate (1997)
Al Pacino? As the Devil? Should we even ask him to tone it down?

The Insider (1999)
I haven’t seen it since its release, but I really liked it. I remember being really impressed with Russell Crowe’s performance. Pacino was okay, but the only thing that sticks in my head for him is “ARE YOU A BUSINESSMAN OR ARE YOU A NEWSMAN???!!”

Any Given Sunday (1999)
Al Pacino? As a pro football coach? Should we even ask him to tone it down? To be fair, I have only seen pictures of this movie, not the movie itself.

Chinese Coffee (2000)
Huh? What is this?

Insomnia (2002/I)
Saw it. Blah blah blah.

S1m0ne
Saw 5 minutes of it. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

People I Know (2002)
Didn’t see it.

The Recruit (2003)
Boring thriller. At one point, Pacino says “You have to admit, I’m a scary judge of talent.” I thought he should shorten it to, “You have to admit, I’m a scary.”

Gigli (2003)
I obeyed the hype and shunned this movie. It’s probably a diamond in the rough, no?

The Merchant of Venice (2004)
I saw a little of this. It was okay.

Two for the Money (2005)
I stayed away. Did you?

Cicada Update – The Courtship Begins

Despite being absent from my blog for a week or so, cicadas are still very much a part of our lives.

The main thing we’re experiencing now is the extreme volume of the male cicadas, who are generating noises in order to attract females.

The sound is not deafening everywhere, but can get quite loud when you’re under a tree that’s particularly thick with them. The cicadas are generally only making noise during the day — it’s quiet at night (perhaps a little too quiet?)

Even when you’re not very near a tree full of cicadas, there is a kind of eerie background noise in Brookfield, similar to the sound of the alien ships in the 1953 War of the Worlds. According to its trivia page, the spaceship noises in the movie were actually created by backwards electric guitars (maybe cicadas playing backwards electric guitars?).

Your Own Personal Profanity

Do you have a phrase that has at least something profane in it, that you have adopted as something near and dear to you?

A foul phrase that you carry some affection for?

Here’s mine.

In the mid-90’s, I was puttering about on a text-based virtual world called LambdaMOO with my brother.

One of the sorta cool things about this world was that individual users could construct environments — rooms, outside spaces, etc., and have them link together, which you could then travel about as if they were real physical spaces. Keep in mind that this *was* a text-based world, so really you were just reading someone’s description of a room or place, not seeing any visual representation of it.

My brother and I were wandering around, when we came to a place where its description was not in English.

I then said: “It’s in fucking French.”

This phrase has stuck with me over the years, and makes me smile on the inside when I think it after seeing something written in French.

Anyone care to share their own pet swear words or phrases?

We Are The Village Green Preservation Society

We are the Village Green Preservation Society
God save Donald Duck, Vaudeville and Variety

We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties

Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do?

We are the Draught Beer Preservation Society
God save Mrs. Mopp and good Old Mother Riley

We are the Custard Pie Appreciation Consortium
God save the George Cross and all those who were awarded them

We are the Sherlock Holmes English Speaking Vernacular
Help save Fu Manchu, Moriarty and Dracula

We are the Office Block Persecution Affinity
God save little shops, china cups and virginity

We are the Skyscraper Condemnation Affiliates
God save tudor houses, antique tables and billiards

Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do?

We are the Village Green Preservation Society
God save Donald Duck, Vaudeville and Variety

We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties

God save the Village Green

Some Stupid With A Lawsuit

I saw this posted on SlashDot earlier this week.

Music publishers are stepping up their campaign to remove guitar tablature from the Net. Recently Guitartabs.com received a nastygram from lawyers for the National Music Publishers Association and The Music Publishers Association of America. These organizations want to stretch the definition of their intellectual property to include by-ear transcriptions of music. Guitartabs.com is currently not offering tablature while the owner evaluates his legal options.

Here’s a link to the story.

I just want you to know, if someone asks you for the main riff to Deep Purple’s “Smoke On The Water”, and you say…

e|———-|————|———-|——-
B|———-|————|———-|——-
G|–0–3–5-|–0–3–6-5-|–0–3–5-|–3–0-
D|–0–3–5-|–0–3–6-5-|–0–3–5-|–3–0-
A|———-|————|———-|——-
E|———-|————|———-|——-

…just don’t tell them you got the info from me.

YouTube As An Interesting Blog Detector

Thought I’d share what I’ve found to be a nice way of finding people with similar interests to my own. I’m not talking about finding ideological and aesthetic clones of myself (though wouldn’t that be peachy?), but rather people having similar eclectic tastes that might turn me onto new stuff, and who also might appreciate getting turned onto new stuff I might suggest.

YouTube at this point is a pretty nice warehouse for interesting video clips of questionable legality, and has the capability of acting as a connector for people interested in the same topics.

Let’s say you’re looking on YouTube for a clip of something you’re interested in — experimental filmmaker Standish Lawder’s film Necrology, for example.

There is a “Links” link you can you click on to see who has linked to the video (Jesus Christ, can someone please find me a synonym for “link” already?).

This can provide an interesting gateway into blogs you know nothing about, but whose typists most likely have interests that overlap your own.

Hey, it looks like some “isplotchy” blog links to this video. Wow, I bet whoever is behind *that* blog is quite the interesting and sexy fellow.

Top Five Or Six Shows

I’m continuing a mutant variant of a meme I already answered, but was changed by Skyler’s Dad and then propagated by Johnny Yen.

Here’s my favorite live shows I have attended, in no particular order.

1. Os Mutantes – Pitchfork Music Festival – 07/2006 – Chicago, IL
This was the last music show I attended. My folks were gracious enough to drive up to our house and babysit our kids so my wife and I could attend this full day event. I enjoyed this show for a lot of reasons. For one, it was just great to get out, have some beers and relax in the warm summer day. Another nice thing was I was able to hang out with my friend Lance, who used his vacation to leave his current residence of Japan to visit friends and family in the US. And, not to forget, Os Mutantes, a band I only recently discovered — a band that had broken up in the early 1970’s. I read somewhere that Kurt Cobain tried to cajole Os Mutantes into reforming so they could open up for Nirvana in Brazil, but alas, it didn’t happen. They put on a helluva show that night, lots of energy and fun.

2. Television – Cabaret Metro – 05/2001 – Chicago, IL
Here’s another band that was over and done before I discovered their music. I believe Ira Kaplan of Yo La Tengo was the man responsible for getting these guys together to play in Chicago. I saw Ira and the other Yo La Tengo folks up in the balcony of the Metro during the show. It was wonderful seeing Television close up, and hearing the great guitar-playing of Tom Verlaine and Richard Lloyd. Lloyd broke a string during their epic song “Marquee Moon” which eventually aborted the song. I was wondering if he was being passive-aggressive, as he had at least a couple guitars available to use. Either way, a great show.

3. Lambchop/Yo La Tengo – Cabaret Metro – 03/2000 – Chicago, IL
This was dubbed “An Evening With Yo La Tengo”. The Metro, which usually has a large open area in front of the stage, had rows of folding chairs laid out for this show. I actually went to the show more for Lambchop than Yo La Tengo. I had stumbled across Lambchop’s music in a weekly scan of the used bins at my neighborhood record store. There were over ten people on stage for Lambchop (it’s a big, country-western/Curtis Mayfield-inspired concern). They were really fantastic, humble and just having a wonderful time playing their music. Then, Yo La Tengo came out and were also in terrific spirits, with lots of interaction with the crowd, ribbing them about Chicago-related stuff. They were happy to be there, and put on a nice, casual-kinda show. David Kilgour of The Clean was playing as supporting guitarist for Yo La Tengo on their tour. They did The Clean song “Billy Two” and afterwards Ira asked David, “Who wrote that song?” to which David replied, “I did.” Near the end of Yo La Tengo’s set the guys from Lambchop got on stage and supported them on a cover of the Beach Boys’ song “Little Honda”. After the show was done, I saw Lambchop’s drummer hanging out in the lobby of the Metro. I went up and talked to him for 15-20 minutes while the bouncers were pushing everyone outside. A nice guy, a nice group of musicans, a nice night.

4. John Fahey – Unity Temple – Oak Park, IL
The Unity Temple, an impressive building designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, has concerts from time to time that are used to finance the building’s restoration and upkeep. I was lucky enough to see a great performance by guitar hero John Fahey. I can’t really adequately describe the combination of the music with the location in which I was seeing the show. It was just Fahey and his guitar in this amazing space. Jim O’Rourke was also present at a small mixing board, occasionally twiddling knobs. After the concert was over and my wife and I were headed home on the Eisenhower expressway, we were in the process of passing a crappy compact car on the right. I glanced over and saw John Fahey riding in the passenger seat. Jim O’Rourke was driving. For some reason, I screamed “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” at the top of my lungs at them, and pumped my fist out the window. Fahey gave me a little wave and we sped on into the night.

5. Low/Luna – Rod McKuen’s Birthday – St. Louis, MO
Luna was touring for their second album, Bewitched. At the time, I was attending Southern Illinois University in Carbondale. Some friends of mine and I drove up to St. Louis for the show. The club was much smaller than I was expecting. We got in very early, and grabbed a table right in front of the small stage. I mean, like literally 1-2 feet from the stage. I never was able to see my all-time favorite band, The Feelies, in person, but I sat and watched as their former drummer Stanley Demeski started carting in his drums and set them up. Dean Wareham dragged in his amp, with “GALAXIE 500” still stenciled on it. It was a great show, despite some technical difficulties that Mr. Wareham seemed greatly perturbed by. It was an intimate enough venue that my friends and I went up after the show and talked with the band members. A friend of mine mentioned to Dean that it was Rod McKuen’s birthday (Dean name-checked Mr. McKuen on the opening song on Bewitched). One of the guys with us asked Stanley what it was like being in The Feelies — he replied, “They were difficult people to work with,” and repeated this sentence several times as he was asked to elaborate on that comment.

6. Warrant / Ted Nugent / KISS – Rockford, IL
What the hell, I’ll go for six. I really loved Kiss when I was a kid, and when a coworker of mine said he had an extra ticket a couple years ago, I jumped at the chance to see them live. I rode in a minivan with my coworker (a really nice guy who is very, very funny), his sister, his sister’s metal dude husband, and two other metal dudes. It was really great being on a trip where I was sort of stepping outside of my usual experience. I stayed outside for the Sebastian Bach-less Warrant (I think Mr. Bach was on Broadway at that time, wow-ing audiences with his performance in Phantom of the Opera). I did catch the full performance of the Nuge, which was every bit offensive as I assumed it would be. A sample line — “if you don’t like [whatever stupid thing I’m saying about America], you can get the f*** out!!!” I did dig his final song, “Loaded For Bear”, which ended with him shooting a flaming arrow into his guitar. The stuff he did with the Amboy Dukes is actually pretty good. Then, Kiss! Of course it was a synchronized, rigid performance with no wiggle-room for spontaneity, but it was Kiss! Plus, Paul Stanley rode on a metal ring over my head to sing a song in the middle of the audience. WOooo!

The Finest Michael Stipe Has Been Engaged

Here’s another song, “Duck Bill M” that Tim and I did.

–>Click to hear
It’s being posted primarily for R.E.M. superfan Beth.

Tim’s on the geetar and the background vocals. I’m on lead vocals and the sound effect keychain.

We were both listening to a lot of R.E.M. at the time — mostly Life’s Rich Pageant, Green and Document. The music is an obvious swipe from Pageant’s “Swan Swan H”.

The song originated when at some point we got started talking about common words and phrases singer Michael Stipe uses, and spontaneously decided to compose a song as both a tribute and a gentle ribbing to his lyrical style.

Enjoy! (or don’t!)

Duck Bill M

I shaved my body hair
In my room
It’s beautiful to me

I can’t go anywhere
With outdoor plumbing
But I’m far too cold
To stoop to thumbing

This handle’s been frozen
In the ground
For a million years

I shrunk the world to care
And it’s not
A mean idea

This is the finest brand
Of mineral water
And though it’s dark and cold
I’m still hotter

This handle’s been frozen
In the ground
For a million years

Oh ho ho
Oh ho ho
Oh ho ho

I shaved my body hair
In my room
It’s beautiful to me

I can’t go anywhere
With outdoor plumbing
But I’m far too cold
To stoop to thumbing

This handle’s been frozen
In the ground
For a million years

jung vf fcybgpul?