{"id":820,"date":"2008-07-14T14:38:00","date_gmt":"2008-07-14T14:38:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/?p=820"},"modified":"2013-05-04T01:40:28","modified_gmt":"2013-05-04T01:40:28","slug":"i-thought-i-needed-merkins","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/","title":{"rendered":"I Thought I Needed Merkins"},"content":{"rendered":"

My upcoming short film, like pretty much any film, requires preparation. Locations must be scouted. Actors must be auditioned. Props must be acquired. Wardrobe must be selected.<\/p>\n

There are a couple of brief shots where some of my actors will be bare-assed. These bare-ass shots will be outside, on the street, in an urban setting.<\/p>\n

Since I am going to have some bare-assed actors around, I need to worry about their junk showing. To be more precise, I need to worry about their junk *not* showing. They can’t wear thong underwear, because I don’t want any straps showing from behind.<\/p>\n

I was consulting with a couple people, and one of them mentioned spirit gum as a way of adhering fabric to the nether regions. I look up spirit gum<\/a> on the Wikipedia and see a link to merkins<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Ah ha! So that’s what they’re called. I need merkins.<\/p>\n

There’s a great, huge costume store on Milwaukee Avenue I’ve been to called Fantasy Costumes<\/a>. They’re a treasure chest for all kinds of costumes, for Halloween, or any day besides Halloween.<\/p>\n

On their website I pop “merkin” into the search criteria and hit the “Go…” button. Hmm. When I clicked it, it said the “Adult Costume” portion of the store was down. (however, if you type “merkin” today it provides this amusing result):<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Anyways, I call up the store and ask if they have merkins. The woman who answered my call briefly puts me on hold — I presume to get the salesperson who works the “Adult” costume portion of the store, who then picks up. <\/p>\n

The salesperson indicates they have a black one and a brown one. <\/p>\n

“I really need four,” I reply.<\/p>\n

“We may have a few more around,” she says.<\/p>\n

“Great! I’ll be right over!”<\/p>\n

So, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon I drive up Cicero Avenue. I reach the store, park on Milwaukee and head inside.<\/p>\n

“I need some merkins,” I say.<\/p>\n

The woman behind the counter gives me the faintest of looks, then reaches into a glass display case. She drops two plastic baggies onto the counter. They each contain what appears to be a mound of pubic hair (one is black, one is brown).<\/p>\n

“Whoa, whoa, I don’t need these,” I said.<\/p>\n

“These are merkins,” she says.<\/p>\n

“Then I don’t need merkins,” I say.<\/p>\n

I explain my needs to her, trying my best to sound civilized and not at all creepy.<\/p>\n

She suggests I purchase some flesh-covered material from a fabric store and fashion my own modesty garments. She sells me some “men’s grooming tape” (normally used for affixing hairpieces and such), and even draws a nice diagram to help me with the shape of the garment and strategic placement of tape.<\/p>\n

So, it’s one more step towards getting my film ready, and one more slice of innocence lost.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My upcoming short film, like pretty much any film, requires preparation. Locations must be scouted. Actors must be auditioned. Props must be acquired. Wardrobe must be selected. There are a couple of brief shots where some of my actors will be bare-assed. These bare-ass shots will be outside, on the street, in an urban setting. … Continue reading I Thought I Needed Merkins<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-820","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-adventures-in-amateur-filmmaking"],"yoast_head":"\nI Thought I Needed Merkins - SPLOTCHY<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I Thought I Needed Merkins - SPLOTCHY\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"My upcoming short film, like pretty much any film, requires preparation. Locations must be scouted. Actors must be auditioned. Props must be acquired. Wardrobe must be selected. There are a couple of brief shots where some of my actors will be bare-assed. These bare-ass shots will be outside, on the street, in an urban setting. … Continue reading I Thought I Needed Merkins →\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"SPLOTCHY\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2008-07-14T14:38:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-05-04T01:40:28+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/splotchy.com\/images\/blog\/movie\/merkinsearchresults.png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"2 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"\",\"@id\":\"\"},\"headline\":\"I Thought I Needed Merkins\",\"datePublished\":\"2008-07-14T14:38:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-05-04T01:40:28+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":489,\"commentCount\":14,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/images\\\/blog\\\/movie\\\/merkinsearchresults.png\",\"articleSection\":[\"adventures in amateur filmmaking\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/\",\"name\":\"I Thought I Needed Merkins - SPLOTCHY\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/images\\\/blog\\\/movie\\\/merkinsearchresults.png\",\"datePublished\":\"2008-07-14T14:38:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-05-04T01:40:28+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/images\\\/blog\\\/movie\\\/merkinsearchresults.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/images\\\/blog\\\/movie\\\/merkinsearchresults.png\"},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/2008\\\/07\\\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\\\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"I Thought I Needed Merkins\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/\",\"name\":\"SPLOTCHY\",\"description\":\"jung vf fcybgpul?\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/isplotchy.com\\\/blog\\\/author\\\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"I Thought I Needed Merkins - SPLOTCHY","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"I Thought I Needed Merkins - SPLOTCHY","og_description":"My upcoming short film, like pretty much any film, requires preparation. Locations must be scouted. Actors must be auditioned. Props must be acquired. Wardrobe must be selected. There are a couple of brief shots where some of my actors will be bare-assed. These bare-ass shots will be outside, on the street, in an urban setting. … Continue reading I Thought I Needed Merkins →","og_url":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/","og_site_name":"SPLOTCHY","article_published_time":"2008-07-14T14:38:00+00:00","article_modified_time":"2013-05-04T01:40:28+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"https:\/\/splotchy.com\/images\/blog\/movie\/merkinsearchresults.png","type":"","width":"","height":""}],"twitter_misc":{"Written by":"","Est. reading time":"2 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/"},"author":{"name":"","@id":""},"headline":"I Thought I Needed Merkins","datePublished":"2008-07-14T14:38:00+00:00","dateModified":"2013-05-04T01:40:28+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/"},"wordCount":489,"commentCount":14,"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/images\/blog\/movie\/merkinsearchresults.png","articleSection":["adventures in amateur filmmaking"],"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"CommentAction","name":"Comment","target":["https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/#respond"]}]},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/","url":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/","name":"I Thought I Needed Merkins - SPLOTCHY","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/images\/blog\/movie\/merkinsearchresults.png","datePublished":"2008-07-14T14:38:00+00:00","dateModified":"2013-05-04T01:40:28+00:00","author":{"@id":""},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/images\/blog\/movie\/merkinsearchresults.png","contentUrl":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/images\/blog\/movie\/merkinsearchresults.png"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/2008\/07\/i-thought-i-needed-merkins\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"I Thought I Needed Merkins"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/#website","url":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/","name":"SPLOTCHY","description":"jung vf fcybgpul?","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"","url":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/author\/"}]}},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3gWlt-de","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/820","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=820"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/820\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2906,"href":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/820\/revisions\/2906"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=820"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=820"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/isplotchy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=820"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}