First, let me begin this review with a warning. If you think Coyote Ugly is nothing but one and a half hours of a tightly-clad Tyra Banks jumping up and down on a bar while shaking foam from a beer bottle, think again.

This movie is a pretty damned awful story of a small-town girl who goes to the big city with big dreams and a guitar and BLAH BLAH BLAH. There's only ten seconds of Tyra Banks hopping up and down, maybe even less.

There are a few cameos to help this film lurch forward, Alex Borstein (Mrs. Swan from MAD TV), Ellen Cleghorn (one of the significantly less-talented alums from Saturday Night Live) and country feminist sensation LeAnn Rimes.

Hey, did you ever wonder what happened to Harold from the 1970's cult hit, Harold and Maude? Well, his name is Bud Cort, and he's fat, balding and in Coyote Ugly, playing a bit part as a short order cook. How the mighty have fallen!

Did someone say fat? John Goodman plays the heroine's father, and damn if he isn't fatter than a Kansas ham. Goodman's character winds up in the hospital in the latter part of the film, but it's for a minor traffic accident instead of the heart attack the audience is logically expecting. He looked like Jabba-freakin'-Hutt in his hospital bed. I was waiting for him to say something insulting about Han Solo.

Okay, this film was bad, but perhaps my opinion was affected by the quaint Davis atmosphere on this particular evening. Cell phone calls, people chewing popcorn with their mouths open directly behind me, and how could I forget the eighth graders smoking cigarettes in front of me? How am I supposed to focus on the plot points of this film when I'm in a secondhand-smoke induced nicotine stupor?

See you at the movies. Save me the unstained seat.