politics, scanners

A Democratic Rhyme To A Tengrain Post

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There have been a handful of occasions when I see something in a newspaper or magazine that is so awesome (either terribly awesome or wonderfully awesome) that I feel compelled to clip it and stick it on a wall.

Seeing this post by Tengrain jogged my memory of a clipped picture I had cherished from the Bill Clinton years.

I rummaged through an old box of things, found and scanned it.

I’m sorry about the quality — it’s a little wrinkled and yellowed with age. Still, I think the power of the photo shines through.

Click on the pic to make Bill Clinton and the head he is palming even bigger!

60 second doodle

A Doodle, I’ll Do

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…if you are the first commenter with a doodle idea.

UPDATE:

Once again I am a softy. I have doodled all your requests.

For Randal G, Bugs Bunny doodling the iSplotchy doodling (don’t forget the bill). I am assuming this is a reference to one of the all-time great Warner Bros. cartoons, Duck Amuck?

For Distributorcap, the NYPD walking Judy Giuliani’s dog and picking up the doo.

For Grant Miller, Bubs crossing the finish line.

For Tengrain, Rudy strangling the dog for revenge.

iSplotchy

Call Me Splotchy (Sleestak’s Pulp Meme)

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I peek around my blindfold. It’s slipped just far enough on my face so I can get a glimpse of a piece of sky. I see the most perfect rainbow. Just beautiful. God is frowning at me in pretty little colors. It’s one of those days.

My head is still swimming from the beatdown I got hours earlier from a couple of long-faced goons. I’m not a fighter. I write a column for a local rag under the byline “Splotchy”. Mostly it’s two-bit trash, advice to the lovelorn. I write the police blotter, too. Whatever nobody wants, Splotchy gets.

The most excitement we have in this sleepy little town is drunks slamming into lightpoles, maybe a housewife stabbing her husband with a steak knife. My life was dull as an old man’s tooth until last night beat the hell out of me.

It was around midnight when two hulking palookas in dark gray suits and matching cheek scars pushed me up against the wall outside the newspaper office. They smelled like a factory that makes things to hurt people.

“You dah eye splotchy?” the nicer one said.

“What?”

The not-nice one threw a punch to my gut. I doubled over.

“You dah eye splotchy?”

“I-“, I started. “I use that name.”

“Eye splotchy?”

“Huh?” I asked.

The not-nice one punched me in the nose. Was it broken? Did it matter? It hurt like hell.

“You getting blood on my shoes,” said Mr. Not-Nice.

“Listen,” Mr. Nice said. “We don’t wanna hurt you. Boss says he wants eye splotchy first thing in the morning. And if Boss wants it, Boss gets it. Let’s go.”

“I’m not eye-” I started, then Mr. Nice hit me once and everything went black.

***

The rainbow is disappearing, along with the feeling that I’m going to get out of this mess with all my fingers, toes and teeth intact. My head’s pounding, my hands are tied and Mr. Not-Nice is breathing on my neck like an asthmatic walrus.

I hear the voice of Mr. Nice. “Okay, let’s go. Boss wants to see the eye splotchy.”

My gut aches, and I can feel blood caked on the side of my face. With all my courage and anger, I say as loudly and clearly as I can in the direction of Mr. Nice — “Call me Splotchy.”

***

Inspired by Dr. Zaius (who also was kind enough to supply the picture above), who in turn was inspired by Sleestak.

elvis

TCB in Vegas

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That little strip of text doesn’t look like much, but it shows that Bubs has completed a half-marathon in Las Vegas. Keep in mind that his time, which is nothing to slouch at, might be affected by a planned stop to assist marrying people at the five mile mark.

Congrats Bubs!!!

holidays, splotchy says

Happy Whatever Splotchy Says Day: Your Third And Final Assignment

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Hi!

Are we already at the last assignment? Yes? Wow, my inflated sense of power and self-worth are already diminishing. Before these feelings completely leave my body, I will leave the following tasks for you. These are not required to be completed by today, but if it could happen over the next couple weeks, it would be appreciated.

Thanks.

SPLOTCHY SAYS:

Dr. Zaius, you will use your mad photoshopping skills to make me a “Call Me Splotchy” version of the pulp paperback copy you created (based on the Sleestak original). After it has been completed I will gladly contribute my own pulp story.

Bubs, you will have your picture taken in Vegas in your Elvis getup, either in a karate pose, or giving a karate kick.

Cowboy The Cat, you will find a public place in Carbondale on which you write “Splotchy Is Nifty”. It doesn’t have to be big, visible to the casual observer, and it doesn’t have to be there forever, etc. Extra points if you take a pic of it.

Tim, you will lend me your copy of Sonic Youth’s Rather Ripped.

SamuraiFrog, you will write a limerick that rhymes Carla Gugino and neutrino. An acceptable alternative to this is simply posting pictures of Carla Gugino and neutrinos (in the same post, obviously).

To the NYC bloggers meeting tonight (including FranIAm and Distributorcap): at some point during the festivities you will toast me, Splotchy!

The Idea Of Progress – you will dedicate next year’s The Idea Of Progress Day to me, Splotchy.

Tenacious S – you will add me to your blogroll! I was there before, and I will be there again!

Grant Miller – For one day, you will change your avatar to a picture of you in a Hawaiian shirt.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein – You will let me hold the Crunky.

Jin – you’re wearing my doodle. What more could I ask for?

Anandamide – You will wrap up your contest. The suspense is killing me!

The Drunken Severed Head – Three letters – DPK.

Jess – You’ll make one more taint post, for old time’s sake.

Dguzman – You will dedicate a small piece of the sidebar on your blog, where you will keep a picture of a fluffy cloud. This will potentially keep the winter blahs away for both you and your readers (well, me definitely).

To those not specifically given a task to complete, please add a comment to this post to indicate the largest mammal you believe Splotchy could physically subdue, using only his bare hands. People who have been given tasks are also welcome to comment on this as well.

Thanks to everyone who made this nonexistent holiday existent!

holidays, splotchy says

Happy Whatever Splotchy Says Day: Your Second Assignment

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Hi everyone! Thanks to everyone who completed the first assignment. To those who have not yet done so, you have the rest of the day to complete it. In case you’re wondering, yes, I am able to touch my nose with my tongue.

Anyway, now onto our next assignment. The second assignment is a little more involved than the first.

SPLOTCHY SAYS:

Write a post on your blog that is completely ROT-13 encoded. The post can be about anything, but it must be fully ROT13-encoded (excluding any links or images — a ROT13’ed link/image won’t display or function properly).

I would recommend that you type up the post in regular text (on a text editor, in Blogger, wherever), and then take the entire text when you are done writing the post, and convert it. You can use the ROT13 encoder on my right sidebar, or if you want more room, you can do the same thing here.

Do not link to me in the post you create. If someone is confused by your post, simply reply in a comment “Splotchy told me to.”

When you create your special post in honor of Whatever Splotchy Says Day on your blog, please leave a comment here so I can know to check it out.

Also, please check back later for your third and final assignment.

Trg tbvat!

rock 'n roll

A Review Of A Tegan And Sara Show From Someone Largely Unfamiliar With Tegan And Sara

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Hi kids!

I attended last night’s Tegan and Sara show at the lovely Portage Theater in Chicago. The show was sold out. What T&S megafan wasn’t able to score a ticket so that my ignorant ass could be at their concert? I don’t know. They weren’t there. Bwahahahaha!

I stopped at my friend’s house in Portage Park (he of the spare T&S ticket) and we had a beer. The opening act, Northern State, was set to start at 8:00pm. We weren’t in a big hurry, so a little after eight we then drove the ten minutes it took to get to the theater, found a parking spot and ambled in.

The Portage is a nice old moviehouse, which in my opinion isn’t the ideal venue for a rock ‘n roll show (I prefer a wide open floor). Still, there was enough space in front of the stage for the hardcore fans to get close.

Unfortunately the Portage did not serve beer, but the man at the refreshment counter indicated that would soon change. No beer, at a rock concert? Oh, man.

We went to sit down for a little bit of Northern State, which turned out to be a group consisting of three female rappers, a guitarist, some preprogrammed keyboards ‘n backbeats, and a live dude drummer. We soon got out of our seats and went down on the right side nearer to the stage, which gave us a pretty good vantage point for the proceedings.

Northern State reminded me a lot of the Beastie Boys. If I heard them correctly, one of the songs they played had actually been produced by Adrock. I didn’t dig them entirely, but there were a coupla songs that sucked me in. And hey, the last song had a bunch of swearing, and reminded me very much of my pseudo-Buddhist chant, so that was nice. We probably caught at least half their set. They seemed to be appreciative of the Chicago crowd, and retroactively unappreciative of the Detroit crowd from the previous night.

Then it was time for Tegan and Sara to hit the stage. In the two days between when I learned I was going to the show and when the show took place, I managed to listen to most of their album So Jealous. It took me several songs into the concert to really start enjoying it. I don’t know if it was them or me; odds are it was me. But by four or five songs into their set I was having a really good time (even without a beer buzz).

Here’s their setlist, more or less:

Song
Song
Song
Song
Song
Song
Song
Song
Song from So Jealous
Song
Song from So Jealous
Song
Speak Slow
Song from So Jealous
Song
Song

ENCORE
Song from So Jealous
Song from So Jealous
Song
Song

There were several songs I really, really liked, most I liked, and some that were just okay. My friend knew every song but a couple, and had a very good time.

I thought their voices were their best feature. They were very beautiful, with nice harmonies, etc., and so strong. Tegan’s voice seemed a little hoarse, though perhaps that’s what it normally sounds like. I liked it either way.

Both ladies were very tiny, cute and endearing, smart and witty, and had a really nice stage presence, telling stories between songs throughout the show. As my friend said, you wanted to take them home to play with your children.

Sara seemed to be the more outgoing one, while Tegan seemed a little shy and more sensitive. If I took a fan-created personality quiz, I would probably be a Tegan.

The show was amazingly polite. At one point as Sara was telling a story, she noticed someone in front of the stage who had apparently fainted. She was very concerned, handing a bottle of her water over for the person, asking people to make room, asking for security to help, etc. I thought to myself, if this was a GWAR concert they would have just gotten a crossbow out and shot the fan in the heart. ‘Cause that’s what rock ‘n roll is all about, motherf*ckers.

While this fainting drama was underway, a woman proclaiming herself a nurse brushed by me. She raised her hands and sauntered through the crowd. I thought to myself, “This is why she got into the healthcare field — to strut through crowds at rock concerts during medical emergencies.” As the fainter was being escorted to the side, Sara went into a story about how she had fainted onstage at Lollapalooza in Chicago during the past summer, which, if memory serves, was 160 degrees Fahrenheit that day.

So they finished their set, came back to do a generous encore, and then the show was over. Some members of Northern State were by the door hawking signed copies of their CDs as we exited the theater.

We headed out and had a couple beers at a nearby bar and that was that.

holidays, splotchy says

Happy Whatever Splotchy Says Day: Your First Assignment

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Hello everyone! Here we are, at the end of November. And with the end of November, we come to the last of my November holidays.

Hopefully this holiday will be a joyous one for all who celebrate it. Here is your first assignment.

SPLOTCHY SAYS:

Attempt to touch your nose with your tongue. You may not use your hands, or any tongue-extending contraption to assist you.

Add a comment to this post indicating whether you are able or unable to touch your nose with your tongue.

Please return to this blog later for further instructions.

Love,

Splotchy

jung vf fcybgpul?